Once upon a time, I was little. I bet my Mom wished I'd never grow up. When I look at this picture of myself, I'm compelled to imagine my own not yet conceived children. Damn potential little shits, all strutting their stuff with a fair bit of respect for their Mom, but not enough to live by her word for the rest of their lives. Little pieces of my heart outside of my own chest cavity, experimenting with dangerous substances and falling in and (hopefully) out of love with assholes.
I'm just dying to have kids, but I'm frightened by the prospect of my kids not being kids anymore. I know that eventually, any babies I have will fucking hate me when they're teenagers, because damn straight, I'll know when they're high. Can't slip that shit by me. But, it will only be because I fucking love them that I'll be the pain in the ass Mom who is always up their ass wanting to know their friends' parents' phone numbers. Same as my very own pain in the ass Mom and Dad.
I don't know how the hell they did it. And, while I'm on the subject of Moms and Dads, I'd like to thank mine for forbidding me to hang out with those Riverside boys. I was pissed off, and even snuck out to cruise around with them one night, only to sneak back home and thank my lucky stars I was forbidden to hang out with that lot of assholes.
I worry that someday someone will throw a hoagie or a TV remote at my precious grown up baby's head, or tell them that they're crazy, only to have them believe that they are. I'm sure they will be; at least a little bit, because the apple doesn't fall far from the kooky tree.
But still. I'm a bit frightened about the whole offspring gig. I just know that they're going to break my heart a little bit.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Little Shits and Love...and Worry...
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20 Leg Humps:
It is the primary function of children is to drive their parents to the edge of sanity, one inch at a time. This allows us to overcome our fear of death.
You see? You see? I don't even know how many times I've typed 'is' anymore.
you're going to be a fabulous mom.
and you look damn happy in that pic! Wheee!
You'll be a great mom. No doubt in my mind.
I like what kyknoor suggests though, how having our kids drive us crazy helps us overcome our fear of death. There's a lot of truth in that. Not that I have my own to know; but I see what I did to my mom!
I saw a fabulous movie recently, The Sum of Us. The point of the movie was that our children are the sum of their parents, and they are the sum of their parents before them. You invest all your hope in them, and all the hope of all the parents before you. It's you, living on forever. And your parents as well. It's only natural to think about what your parents gave you and to be frightened of what the future holds, but you have generations and generations of love and hope within you, to give to your child. You will be fine! And Baby Zube will make for even funnier tales.
Excuse me, I've exceeded my sweet quotient for the day and now must purge.
That's my biggest fear about having children also. It used to be the physical act of birthing the child but you know...with drugs and such, I think I can swing that just fine.
Its the fact that ONE DAY they will think they are smarter than I am and that they will think that they can get away with shit because OH MY GOD they can't. I will know.
But mostly I'm afraid that somehow I will become a mother they don't think they can tell the truth to and so they will lie to me because they think that I won't love them the same if they tell me the truth. Because that's how I felt about my parents.
But you will be a wonderful mother, because I think that the difficulties we go through in life make us the people we are. And they make us more compassionate and understanding. And they make our hearts grow so that when there are little pieces of our hearts floating around in the world outside of our bodies, they will always know that they are part of another person, that we are always out there rooting for them and loving them so much it hurts. Even when it does, literally, hurt.
You will be a wonderful mother, because you've already, "Been there, done that". And yes, you will be told, "I hate you", you will hear the screaming and the forever sounds of slamming doors, you will also hear, "You're ruining my life", or "My life is over!" And, at times you will want let them do what they want, even though you know you shouldn't, just to keep from hearing all that, but you can't, because you are a Mom. You will know it's all worth it, when, while they are asleep(no matter what age), you will look in on them, and find yourself smiling, and know.....you did good.
You summed up right where I am with my own daughter nicely. She is now 7, toothless, and much wittier than I ever gave her credit for. She's also beginning to get the whole "That's not cool, Mom" face whenever I tell her something.
It's worth every bit of it though. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I'm willing to bet that you will feel the same way.
I'm a little more free with her than some other parents (she asked me the other day what sex was, and I replied "what men and women do to create babies and entertain themselves"), but the way I look at it, this is the world she's going to have to live in, so keeping her sheltered won't do much good.
I am a complete Nazi about "where are you going" and "who will you be with" and "no way, chick- I don't know her Mom." I do try and keep a leash, but I'm lucky- she's a good kid with a lot of sense, and I guess I'm just going to have to trust her.
And if she fucks around and tries to get away with shit later, she's screwed, because there isn't one damn thing I didn't do first. I'm not sure I'm going to tell her that, though.
The point is... you're NEVER ready. I'm surprised every single day. Truth is, though, there is nothing better in the world. I am filled with such pride every time I hear "Daddy, shut your piehole."
If you think you want it, go for it- every day after can be a roller coaster ride.
Kyknoord- So, you are saying that is is a problem for you? :-)
Storm- I certainly hope so! I do look pretty happy! Probably because I'm in Bermuda. Whee.
Casseopeia- I actually kind of like the idea of that, too.
Librarian Extraordinnaire- I *must* see that movie. Zube Baby will certainly make for even crazier stories, I'm sure.
PaintingChef- See, I'm kind of scared of the same thing, too. I hope I find the fine line where I'm able to maintain the hard-line parent role, while also being enough of a friend. I think too much of either would not be a good thing.
It's all about the fine line. Which, um, I'm usually terrible at finding!
TXSM- I just think of all the times my parents must've cried, both for me, and because of me. I'm sure I'll love being a parent, even with all of the shit that comes with it.
Bonanza Jellybean- 'The point is... you're NEVER ready. I'm surprised every single day. Truth is, though, there is nothing better in the world. I am filled with such pride every time I hear "Daddy, shut your piehole."'
That is the rockingest statement about parenthood. Thank you!
Courtney- It is scary. I always say that I hope I fuck up my kids in little ways, like my parents did me. I mean, no one is perfect, and in fact I think the little ways I'm fucked up make me more interesting.
I just hope they're little, and not big ways, you know?
I've always heard that when you have your own kids that they dish out what you did to your own parents but worse. I'm just not ready for that much trouble.
I think I'll just keep dressing my dog in tiny clothes.
It's all part of life. You hate your parents at the time you are a kid or teenager, but as an adult you thank them for what they've done. That is, if they were good parents. I am very thankful my parents taught me manners, encouraged us all to read and go to college, not to waste our money on trivial plastic crap, etc, although at the time I was a child, I did not want to say "please" and "Thank you" and thought I would absolutely DIE if I did not get some piece of crap in the store. I am also glad we were encouraged to read and go to college. X. is very educated and smart,and after many long years of doubt, I found there WERE men out there that value intelligent women. (Hint: They're Asian).
I think you and Zube Boy will be FINE parents. Just that fact that you are mature and so concerned is a plus.
And then one day they'll come home from high school singing "Hineylicker, hineylicker, hiney, hiney, hineylicker"
Then you're really screwed . . .
My nieces are my instant birth control. I was just blogging how I'm still in my selfish stage and can't bare to be a surburbia mom.
I just asked my mom if she could raise my kids for me. she gave me a nasty stare.
I've known forever that I don't want kids, but I only discovered recently that it's probably better that my mom was so strict with me when I was younger. She and my dad were much looser with my younger bro, and he hasn't exactly turned into a responsible adult because of it.
Chickie- That is SO what I'm afraid of!
Juenebee- That is exactly how my parents were.
Dutch Oven- Heh. I'd have to join in the singing if that were ever to happen.
Mona- Yes, yes. Moms so have that look, don't they!
Daria- Same as you, I'm so glad that I was raised with strict parents. I guess they could have let up a teeny bit, but giving a twenty year old a 9PM cerfuw and telling her she'll have to pay rent makes her gather up dinero to move the fuck out. I am forever grateful to them for that!
Totally. I dread the teenage years. My high school partner-in-crime has a little girl just six months older than my older daughter, and we are shaking in our combat boots, thinking about all the crap we pulled in high school, knowing that it will come back to haunt us.
Kind of like you said about marriage in your 100 things...if you're not a little bit frightened by the prospect of raising another human being, then you're not taking it seriously enough. And it sounds like you are taking it plenty seriously.
Mother Goosemouse- You are so right about being frightened to have kids. Makes perfect sense.
"shaking in our combat boots..."
That made me giggle!
Beautifully written words on the worries of having kids... I am a parent of two, boy and girl, and even though Holly is four months old I worry everytime I make her laugh!
Nice blog. Stressors, burn out, worry, anxiety, all that stuff is all too often just a sign of our times. For some free relief, try the free subliminal MP3 at www.mindmint.com. It really works for me!
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