Getting Stoned...

The other day my coworker sauntered into my office to get something out of the filing cabinet adjacent to my desk. I happened to be playing with a small stone one of my other coworker's kids must have left on my desk and forgotten about. It was a cool little stone, too. All shiney and greenish. They prolly miss it. But you know what? It's mine now, bitches! Finders, keepers. Because deep down inside I really am twelve.

Anywho, as my coworker stood pilfering innocently through files, a brilliant idea did stir in mine mind. I saw the opportunity to make a funny.

I threw the stone at him. It hit him in the head.

He looked at me, a little surprised. Okay, maybe a lot surprised. Possibly the same look I'd have had if someone threw a stone, unwarranted, at my head.

Zube: "Dude, you just got stoned."

Maybe you had to be there...

CAWOW!

I realized today that it's about time I cleaned up after my birthday party since, well, my birthday was in July. I had an excuse that evening and perhaps the next day because my honey was all injured and shit. But four months and the change of a season later is a little ridiculous.



CAWOW! time again. Just like last week, I took this photo, and then blindly pointed to a word in the dictionary.

tran·scen·den·tal (trăn'sĕn-dĕn'tl) - adj.

1. Concerned with the a priori or intuitive basis of knowledge as independent of experience.
2. Asserting a fundamental irrationality or supernatural element in experience.
2. Surpassing all others; superior.
3. Beyond common thought or experience; mystical or supernatural.

My homework: Use transcendental in a sentence describing the above photo.

Despite Zube Girl's assertion that to live in a clean environment will lead to a more tanscendental life experience, her lack of housekeeping prowess proves she really couldn't care less.

Your turn! Can you use this week's word to describe the above photo? This was so much fun last week, I've decided to do the CAWOW! this way from now on.

Oh yeah, need advice? Well you're in luck because we need advisees.

CAWOW! And Are Those Ear Plugs?

This is what happens when your husband is an electrician with too many fucking pockets in his work jacket, and you decide to be a nice wife and wash his shit...



A new take on the CAWOW! I randomly opened up the dictionary, and pointed to a word with my eyes closed. Here 'tis:

per·ni·cious - adj.

1. Tending to cause death or serious injury; deadly: a pernicious virus.
2. Causing great harm; destructive: pernicious rumors.
3. Archaic. Evil; wicked.

Can anyone come up with a caption describing the above photo using the word pernicious? I'm too fucking lazy to do it myself. You know, having had to WASH the WASHER and all. I just can't be bothered.

Kitten Syndrome and CAWOW!

It has been brought to my attention by me, that the "Cool Ass Word of the Week!" might as well be called the "Cool Ass Word I Pull Out of My Ass Whenever the Hell I Feel Like It!" because the weekly rendition is just not a'happenin. However, CAWIPOOMAWTHIFLI! is WAAAAAAAAY too long of an acronmym, so I'll stick with CAWOW!; be it a misrepresentation of the truth or not. This week's word is:

am·bu·la·to·ry (ăm'byə-lə-tôr'ē, -tōr'ē) pronunciation - adj.
1. Of, relating to, or adapted for walking.
2. a. Capable of walking; not bedridden: an ambulatory patient.
b. Designed for or available to patients who are not bedridden: ambulatory care
c. Moving about; itinerant.

I've been thinking about this word quite a bit lately. See, I am a 30-year-young, or twenty-ten-year-old (if you adhere to the flawless logic of Librarian Extraordinaire), woman in reasonably good health, and being that I do not suffer any circulatory or nervous system ailments, you might assume that my ambulatory nature is quite unimpeded. That's what I assumed. Until a few months ago. Right around the time of Kitten Acquisition, I started to realize something odd. I was unable to walk normally. My heretofor ambulatory legs were not as, uh, ambulatory as before.

I stumbled about the house like a toddler just learning to put one foot in front of the other. And my stumbles were often accompanied by a strange squeaking, not unlike the sound of a kitten meowing. After weeks of study, I've discovered what ails me. Kitten Syndrome.

While it is not a rare condition, it often goes undiagnosed because, well, I fucking discovered it! Duh. Anyway, I've taken some photographic evidence of this condition because words can be so confining, and it is best displayed in photographs anway.







I am happy to inform you that this ailment does not last forever. In fact, the duration of Kitten Syndrome can be shortened by a few swift but gentle kicks of the offending kitten across the room. Hardwood floors are a godsend as they aid in lofting kitty even further, giving the sufferer an extra 1.2 seconds to get in two unhindered steps. If you're quick. And eventually, the kitten will clue in. If yours is dumb, it may take a little longer.

If you've found that you are less ambulatory these days, I'll list some other symptoms so you might make the proper diagnosis.

-Tiny scratches on your body just about anywhere, but primarily on the arms and feeet.
-If you find that your trouble walking is pronounced even further when you are wearing shoes with floppy shoelaces, you can be fairly certain that you are suffering from Kitten Syndrome.
-A kitten in the house. This is a surefire way to make a diagnosis.

If Kitten Syndrome is something you are living with, don't fret. I'm thinking of starting up a support group. Hang tight, and keep kicking kittens. It will eventually help.

In other news, I have a bit of a crying hangover. Thanks to each and every one of you for your love and hugs. You rock like that.

CAWOW!

I watched The Ring Two today:


As I've said before, having an afghan over your head is the most propitious way to watch a scary movie. Notice it is daytime. Zube Boy and I actually argued about this. I refuse to watch scary movies at night anymore. I LOVE scary movies. Don't feel quite the same about the nightmares.

I really shouldn't watch them at all. I'm always sorely dissappointed in the evening when Zube Boy refuses to allow me sleep UP his ass. What a husband, eh?

This week's word is brought to us by Kjersten from Mezmerotonous. Thanks Kjersten!

ex·i·gent - adj.
1 : requiring immediate aid or action
2 : requiring or calling for much : DEMANDING
- ex·i·gent·ly adverb

So, I'm off to attend to the exigent care of my wisdom-toothless husband. Sweet dreams all!

CAWOW!

I have been horrendously negligent of the CAWOW! Series. Apologies for that. Last edition's word was quite difficult. I managed to use it. In my head anyway. You just can't CALL a woman pulchritudinous. Out loud, at least. Unless you hate her. And if you hate her, why in the fuck would you want to pay her such a fine compliment?

Thanks Dutch Oven (Bonanza Jellybean's sidekick) for presenting the challenge, though. It was fun to imagine actually calling a woman that.

There was a wedding at my work, and as the bride passed the front desk on her way to the ceremony, I seriously gasped and thought immediately, "Oh my GAWD, she looks pulchritudinous." I told her, though, that she looked beautiful. What can I say? I like getting paid, and I figured that 15 minutes before she was to exchange vows with the lucky fellow was not the right time to be tearfully explaining that, "It IS a compliment, I SWEAR!!! Wait here, I'll go get a dictionary..." Anywho, she wore an elegant dress that neither made her boobs all squoosh up under her chin, nor squeezed her chest so tight as to cause a serious case of quadri-boob.

Have you ever seen quadri-boob? It's fucking weird and I wouldn't have believed it was possible until I saw it firsthand. Typically the guilty garment is a strapless dress and it rests right above the victim's nipples. Did I say rest? That's not really what I meant. There is not much resting going on as the dress actually seems to be clinging for fucking dear life, seemingly aware of the importance of its job of keeping the nipples from popping out during the 'I do's' and such. Anyway, this clinging has the affect of creating another line, not too different from that of the cleavage, horizontally across both breasts. Magically, there appear to be four boobs. Crazy shit.

It's sad how some brides seem to think the point of wearing a wedding dress is to be able to smell their tits without bending their neck. Either that, or I'm misunderstanding, and they don't really want to get married and are hoping to suffocate themselves in their cleavage. Who can know for sure? Or maybe I'm just jealous because I could never have a case of quadri-boob. Any attempt at it would be met with its not so sexually flattering opposite: completely flat-ass boob.

What the hell was I saying? Ah yes. The CAWOW! Pulchritudinous...pulchritudinous...Aha! There was the pulchritudinous lady...Ah nevermind. I was too busy picking up Zube Boy's jaw and hurrying him to the ice cream aisle to comment on her pulchritudinousness. Heh.

This week's word was suggested by Junebee.

propitious- adj.
1. presenting favorable conditions
2. favorably inclined; kindly

Thanks chica! And, a gentle reminder...I NEED SOME MORE FREAKIN' SUGGESTIONS BITCHES! Huh? Oh yeah, subtlety is SO not my middle name. ZUBE is, and don't you fucking forget it!

Well, I'm off like a prom dress. Or, uh, not my prom dress. How about, I'm off like that freaking ho-bag's prom dress who sucked face with MY date ALL FUCKING NIGHT while her date leered at me and I found twenty million ways to cross my legs and avoid eye contact. "Holy shit! Did we just pass a, uh, something...anything that will make you stop staring at me FUCKER?! Look, it's a fucking McDonald's!!! You look like you like McDonald's."

I mean, is it just me, or is leering at a girl whose prom date just ditched her for one of your limo mates not the most propitious of situations to hope at getting your hands up her dress. Humph.

CAWOW!

Yesterday, as I was lulled by the dulcet drone of neon lights in the dentist's office, interrupted only every other millisecond or so by the SCRAPE, SCRAPE, SCRAPE of metal against plaque, I had an epiphany. I'm going to be a better person. However, I haven't made any promises I can't keep in order to achieve this goal. I feel that is conducive to failure, which makes me grumpy, which will make me the antithesis of a better person.

Why can't I just be me? But better? I couldn't think of a good reason, so there you have it. Typing this post today is the new and improved, better Zube Girl! Now with less plaque. Yay!

A special thanks to Texas Soccer Mom for participating in the fun this week and using dulcet in an entry. I'd like to ask folks if you all wouldn't mind leaving me a comment if you use the CAWOW! on your blog. Sometimes, the two brain cells I have left start to fight, and this causes me to have difficulty remembering shit because I can't seem to get either of them to do my memory bidding for me.

This week's word was brought to us by Dutch Oven who, while he doesn't have a blog, is funnier than shit and married to the lovely Bonanza Jellybean. Here 'tis:

pulchritudinous - adjective
-used of persons only; having great physical beauty
-"pulchritudinous movie stars"
-beautiful
-delighting the senses or exciting intellectual or emotional admiration

I'd like to insert a reminder here. HELP! I need suggestions for next week's word. Perhaps you all want me to come up with my own words, I don't know. But, remember the story about the two brain cells. I'm already up against the world here, people. Some more suggestions are in order.

Well, I'm off to play. Take care of yourselves, you pulchritudinous bunch!

CAWOW!

Okay folks. It is now time for our second edition of CAWOW! I've got to give mad props to my friend Chickie over at Skittering Thoughts for playing along. Her pooch-a-roo is oh so twee in her pink digs.

I managed to use the Cool Ass Word of the Week!, though I was driving, so sadly there were no witnesses. Well, it was warm and the car window was down, so maybe someone heard me. I can say with certainty that it was not heard by the dumb bitch to whom it was yelled.

I was driving down Main Street and came to a stop at a pedestrian crosswalk to let some pedestrians cross the street, 'cause I'm a law abiding citizen like that. I lost my temper a wee bit and yelled out, "If you would take your twee ass little bichon frise and shove it up your ass, you might actually get across the street what with all the pink-poochie-hair-bow picking up that would NOT be going on! I know you're a tourist and shit and this is your vacation and you can dawdle all you want, but I've got to FUCKING go to WORK! Now cross the street!"

Hee. I dig the affect of using twee along with my most favorite adjective. Ass.

The new word this week:

dulcet - adj.
1.
a. Pleasing to the ear; melodious.
b. Having a soothing, agreeable quality.
2. Archaic Sweet to the taste.

A huge thanks to Kyknoord for suggesting it. Dulcet may prove to be a very fun word indeed. Remember guys and gals, I'm open for suggestions, so if you've got a word you're just dying for me to yell at someone, give it up!

Have fun with this week's word. I'm off in search of something sweet to the taste. Heh. And I'm not talking beer people. For once.

Cool Ass Word of the Week! (CAWOW!)

I am a bit of a language buff. Presently, I’ve got three of them under my belt. English (duh), Spanish, and American Sign Language. I’d like to add French to that list, but I have yet to actively pursue learning it. Someday. Perhaps when our house is done. HA! As if. I'll be all retired and shit and won't be interested in learning anything what with all the beer consumption going on.

Anyway, I also dig words in general. I’m a huge fan of expanding my vocabulary and am constantly looking up words that catch my interest. I’ve decided to start doing some homework I assign myself to give a little structure to the endeavor of learning and using new words. Each Sunday, if I can manage to stick to a routine, I’ll pick a new word, which I’ll post here. I’m open for suggestions, so feel free to toss some good ones out there.

The assignment will be to use that word throughout the week. On the following Sunday, before I post the next Cool Ass Word of the Week (hereafter called CAWOW!) I’ll let you know how and when I used it. Y’all can also join in on the fun of that, if you’re so inclined. I know you’re super-duper excited, so let’s start with this week’s word:

adj 1 : twee --> affectedly dainty or refined (adj.all)
Synonyms: dainty, mincing, niminy-piminy, prim, twee

similar: refined

I fucking love the word twee for some reason. But, twee is mine...Hee.

The trouble with this assignment will be using the CAWOW!s in a manner that doesn't sound too contrived, because I hate getting caught using fancy words on purpose. We shall see. I'll be sure to let you know if anyone rolls their eyes at my usage of a fancy word.

Inner Turmoil

Dear Dorky Self,

There are so many selves trying to live within this Zube Girl, and I think we do a fine job of getting along most of the time. It seems, though, that you and I are most often at odds. I manage well with Intelligent Self, Political Self, and Clean Freak Self. It is you, though, that seems to squelch my ultra-coolness. It's really not fair.

For example, yesterday, Clusterfuck Self was out and about at the grocery store. Clusterfuck Self is annoying, and makes being cool difficult, but not impossible. So, Clusterfuck Self had Zube Girl at odds with another shopper. They were walking towards one another, and Zube Girl was having quite a time of stepping in the way of the other shopper. To the left, and to the right. Eventually, Zube Girl and the shopper stopped.

Enter stage right, you. Let me emphasize that you should allow me to do the talking in situations such as this, when coolness is at risk. I was about to have Zube Girl say something like, "No, you go ahead," and then beam one of her charming smiles, until you butted in with, "Wanna dance?" As if the person whose path Zube Girl's repeatedly stepped in is gonna think dancing even comes close to adequately defining the clusterfuck that just occurred! I mean, really.

I'm betting they don't wanna dance. They wanna shop, and they want Zube Girl the fuck out of their way. So, Dorky Self, please step back when things get a bit messy. I don't complain when you happen to be around in the morning, and have Zube Girl all thinking that she should wear that pink cookie monster t-shirt. Let me make it a bit easier for her almost 30-year-old ass to at least SOUND cool even though she's wearing such a display of abysmal taste.

I'll be petitioning Zube Girl for a stronghold on dialogue, but I'm sure it'll take a while with all of the appealing of god damn Political Self. But, until then I ask that you be seen and not heard. And seen, you know, as rarely as possible.

Really, We're all in this together,

Cool Self

The CAWOW! Series

CAWOW! stands for Cool Ass Word of the Week! Supposedly, each Sunday I choose a new word. It's actually a little more sporadic than that, but fuck it.


The Original: Twee
Dulcet
Pulchritudinous
Propitious
Spinky starring Chickie
Ambulatory
Pernicious
Transcendental

Enjoy, you smartasses, you!