Sunday, October 30, 2005

Kitten Syndrome and CAWOW!

It has been brought to my attention by me, that the "Cool Ass Word of the Week!" might as well be called the "Cool Ass Word I Pull Out of My Ass Whenever the Hell I Feel Like It!" because the weekly rendition is just not a'happenin. However, CAWIPOOMAWTHIFLI! is WAAAAAAAAY too long of an acronmym, so I'll stick with CAWOW!; be it a misrepresentation of the truth or not. This week's word is:

am·bu·la·to·ry (ăm'byə-lə-tôr'ē, -tōr'ē) pronunciation - adj.
1. Of, relating to, or adapted for walking.
2. a. Capable of walking; not bedridden: an ambulatory patient.
b. Designed for or available to patients who are not bedridden: ambulatory care
c. Moving about; itinerant.

I've been thinking about this word quite a bit lately. See, I am a 30-year-young, or twenty-ten-year-old (if you adhere to the flawless logic of Librarian Extraordinaire), woman in reasonably good health, and being that I do not suffer any circulatory or nervous system ailments, you might assume that my ambulatory nature is quite unimpeded. That's what I assumed. Until a few months ago. Right around the time of Kitten Acquisition, I started to realize something odd. I was unable to walk normally. My heretofor ambulatory legs were not as, uh, ambulatory as before.

I stumbled about the house like a toddler just learning to put one foot in front of the other. And my stumbles were often accompanied by a strange squeaking, not unlike the sound of a kitten meowing. After weeks of study, I've discovered what ails me. Kitten Syndrome.

While it is not a rare condition, it often goes undiagnosed because, well, I fucking discovered it! Duh. Anyway, I've taken some photographic evidence of this condition because words can be so confining, and it is best displayed in photographs anway.

I am happy to inform you that this ailment does not last forever. In fact, the duration of Kitten Syndrome can be shortened by a few swift but gentle kicks of the offending kitten across the room. Hardwood floors are a godsend as they aid in lofting kitty even further, giving the sufferer an extra 1.2 seconds to get in two unhindered steps. If you're quick. And eventually, the kitten will clue in. If yours is dumb, it may take a little longer.

If you've found that you are less ambulatory these days, I'll list some other symptoms so you might make the proper diagnosis.

-Tiny scratches on your body just about anywhere, but primarily on the arms and feeet.
-If you find that your trouble walking is pronounced even further when you are wearing shoes with floppy shoelaces, you can be fairly certain that you are suffering from Kitten Syndrome.
-A kitten in the house. This is a surefire way to make a diagnosis.

If Kitten Syndrome is something you are living with, don't fret. I'm thinking of starting up a support group. Hang tight, and keep kicking kittens. It will eventually help.

In other news, I have a bit of a crying hangover. Thanks to each and every one of you for your love and hugs. You rock like that.

23 Leg Humps:

Phil said...

"If yours is dumb"

Isn't that a given? Has there ever been a recorded incident of a non-dumb cat? Prove it. ;)


Zube said...

Phil- I hereby decree that you are going to fall head over heels with a woman who has like, five cats. You better watch out, too. Just ask Librarian Extraordinaire. I have mad voodoo skillz. ;-)

PS- Hoot has three cats. :-)

Chris & Cheryl said...

This is too funny! And those pictures had me lauging out loud. I've noticed that after you've stepped on them a few times, the kitten syndrome seems to go away. Thanks for the laugh.

Have you ever heard of the black cat lying in your path in a dark room syndrome? I think it may be new too.

The little buggars.

Phil said...

LOL Zube. Actually, I can handle living with cats (grew up with 2 in the house). I'm just not overly fond of them. But 99.9% of my criticisms of 'em are just jokes. Y'know, kinda like my jibes at blondes and chauvanistic comments. Even if they are all true, they're still just meant in fun. ;)


P.S. Guess Hoot better get a couple more, otherwise I won't fall head over heels for her in accordance with your curse. :)

Storm said...

ah, but after the Kitten Syndrome, there is often a lingering problem known as the Hungry Virus, often with the same symptoms as Kitten Syndrome with the notable difference that ambulatory difficulties are not constant and in fact usually happen in the morning when one is stumbling around anyway, and sometimes when one gets home after several hours of being away, such as work. I have yet been unable to document said disease for lack of coherant thought in the morning, but the effects are often much worse, sometimes even causing the sufferer to trip. Strangely enough, the best cure is to put food in a dish. Go figure.

I hope that although you have a hang over (you're drinking lots o' water, right?), you feel a bit better for having cried it out.

Anonymous said...

Zube Girl, you never cease to amaze I'm thinking our cats have things in common! Frisco, our Siamese, does the same damn thing! I can't even clean the house without him right there, following me. I even did as you one day, took pictures of him everytime he followed me or underfoot!!! Too funny!! Glad you seem to be feeling better!!

junebee said...

Sometimes Kitten Syndrome develops into full-grown Cat Syndrome, and, as Storm noted, often occurs in the morning. A can of 9-Lives is useful for relieving morning symptoms of both Kitten and Cat Syndrome.

Zube said...

Anduin- I have the 'black cat lying in your path' too! Imagine that!

Phil- Hee.

Storm- You are right. Woe is me for I suffer both of these aflictions!

Ah, and, while I am drinking lots of water, it really is just a crying hangover. Not a *real* hangover. Me and Sad and Alcohol were friends for years and always hung out together. It was ugly. So, when Sad is around, I tell Alcohol I'll see it another time. Ideally when I'm hanging out with Happy. :-)

TXSM- Okay, now I don't feel like such a dork for having taken pictures while trying to walk. By the way, aren't my slippers cute?

Junebee- I've got it all here! But, it is a self-inflicted ailment, isn't it? :-)

Anonymous said...

I can use your word in a sentence even.

If one attempts to ride a horse all weekend after only riding twice in the last year, they will not be ambulatory 24 hours after the attempt. Like me. :)

The pictures are HYSTERICAL. I like your slippers!

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

Sometimes I miss having cats. Like now. Because I have a dog who likes to run up and down the stairs next to you when you're trying to walk up or down them. (Can't tell you how many times he's body-checked me and I've taken a tumble.) Then he stands on the stairs and looks down at your sprawled body, proud and excited, like he started a game of It and you've just been tagged. Talk about ambulatory problems!

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

Oh, and yes, the Zube voodoo power is strong. Defeating a Dingdong with political aspirations takes talent. Hey, Zube Girl, where were you in 2000 and 2004 when the biggest dingdong was seeking more political power?


Anonymous said...

Yes, I love the slippers!!!! And, just for you, the next time I clean house, I will not only take pics of Frisco and his 'obsession' with being up my butt, I'll post them on my blog in your honor!!!!

Zube said...

Bonanza- I must confess, your condition sounds worse than mine! Mine does not involve pain, well, unless I fall!

Librarian- In 2000 and 2004, my voodoo powers were yet unclaimed. Obviously. Because there is no way I would have let what happened happen. ESPECIALLY in 2004.

TXSM- Heh. I look forward to seeing them!

Anonymous said...

I'll say a prayer for you - I'm so sorry... I'm sending you a hug and a big thank you for making me smile everyday even when you are in pain.

Amy said...

LOL - oh my gosh, love your slippers and your pajama pants... I guess we both have an addiction to flannel pj's just something else we have in common! Great slippers and VERY COOL TILE!!!

Is there such a thing as "Dog Syndrome"?
Zander the Dipshit Chaweiner won't stay out from under my feet when I am in the kitchen and a couple of weeks ago I barely avoided stepping on him and launched myself into and over the kitchen table.

Anonymous said...

Your kitty is also exceptionally beautiful to me today- enjoy her around your feet. Give her a hug for me too.

Crazy Lady said...

We have a stain of kitten syndrome in our house. It is puppy syndrome. Symptoms are much the same, but usually include uttering "friggen Dog" frequently.

Zube said...

Hope- Thank you. :-)

Amy- Yummy! Flannel pants. My favorite! :-) Did I know you had a dog named Zander??? I don't think I knew that. And yes. This syndrome does have a similar manifestation of the canine sort.

Bonanza- I will give her extra hugs. That just fucking sucks for you guys, and I'm sorry. Fucking wild dogs. I'm mad as hell for you and for Smoke.

Crazy Lady- Mmm...Friggen dog. I am familiar with this phrase. Yes I am.

kyknoord said...

It's the whole 'nine lives' thing. Kittens really get off on guilt. They WANT you to step on them, because they know they'll survive, but you'll feel terrible.

Zube said...

Kyknoord- I think you are definitely onto something!

PaintingChef said...

So THAT'S why the walk in clinic was called "Ambulatory Care". I just figured it had something to do with ambulances.

Zube said...

That'd be right! I hadn't known that either.

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