Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Big Bucks? No Such Luck.

It has always been a dream of mine to win the lottery. Yeah, yeah, I know. So unoriginal. I have other more original dreams, like eating at Pizzaland with James Gandolfini and being an extra in a taping of the Sopranos, but that's for another day. Another post.

Anyway, if I won the lottery, I have big plans for the money. They are as follows:

-Open up a savings account for any little Zube's college education, should they so choose to further their education. If they so choose not to, perhaps the money could go towards the down payment on their first house or something. However, their first car *must* be a piece of junk. A safe piece of junk, but preferably one they save up for and purchase themselves. And the little Zube's wouldn't know we were rich. It is paramount to their upbringing and character that they think we're just getting by. Anyway, I know how many times I scrunched up my face and said, "What, did your Daddy buy you that car?" No one's gonna say that shit to the spawn of my loins.

-Donate money to Planned Parenthood, NARAL, the Democratic Party, various soup kitchens, and other organizations that do good, but are not affiliated with a religious organization.

-Pay off our house and remodel.

-Buy a nice little house, not much bigger than the one we have now because big houses make me uncomfortable, but one that isn't a rancher and has a bigger yard. Remember? It's all about the spy rolls. Oh, and there must be neighbors for me to spy on in the vicinity, otherwise I would die of boredom. Possibly. Maybe I would buy a house across the street for The Dudes to live in, because they're entertaining as hell.

-I'd probably quit my job, but I'd work for Habitat for Humanity or some other organization volunteering. Again, with the dying of boredom. A Zube Girl must be doing something at all times. Whenever I tell anyone this, they always say, "Oh no you wouldn't!" Pffbt. "Uh, yes I fucking would!"

Hmmm...I think those are the most salient lottery winning objectives. I mean, sure, there are some silly ones, too. Like, I'd go back to Jersey and buy the $9 pink kitty collar with the fake jewels on it that My Belle and I found for Zinnia. And, I'd find one in red for Zoey. I couldn't bring myself to buy it when I was home because first of all, it was $9 bucks, and second of all, Zoey would have been like, "Oh no you ditn't, bitch, buy HER a new collar and not ME!" And explaining that they didn't have any in red which is Zoey's collar color just would have been futile.

But, I really don't know why I dream about winning the lottery at all, because, guess what? I never fucking buy lottery tickets. You wanna know why? Heh. I don't buy lottery tickets because it scares me. Lottery tickets don't scare me, but the process by which they are obtained scares me. I always start stuttering when I try to buy them, because I don't know how the whole deal goes down, because, well, I NEVER fucking buy them. So now I'm like, scared of it. Is that fucking weird? Wait, do I really need to even ask?

Seriously. Some day I'll post about social interactions that scare me such as toll booths, fast food window drive-thrus...

13 Leg Humps:

PaintingChef said...

Toll booths and buying lottery tickets cause me mass amounts of panic and anxiety too!!

Baba said...

I know what you mean about buying lottery tickets. I'm clueless. It took courage and guts the first time I decided to buy one (the last time too). Everyone in the queue infront of me knew exactly what to do, and I was like blubbering "and, and, what's a 'lucky dip' again?". A bonafide lottery dumbass. NEVER AGAIN! I didn't even win.

Zube Girl said...

PaintingChef and Baba- I can't even tell you how RELIEVED I am to know that I'm not alone! Wow. It's nice to know you're not the only weirdo.

I'll go into 7-11 with every intention of buying a lotto ticket when it's a big one, then by the time I get to the register, I'm all flustered and get a pack of gum instead.

Phil said...

Around here, to buy a Lotto ticket, you gotta use an automated machine. Makes it even harder, because if you have questions, you gotta ask another customer.

Lotto things on your list (haha! did you like that pun?) are on mine, too. If I played the lottery, that is. But one of the first things I'd do is buy an RV and tour the country. Just so I could say I did it.


Amy said...

That is a very cool list! I agree with you on the lottery ticket thing, I never do it either. I also have a list of things that make me incredibly nervous as well, like taking my car in to have it repaired or even have the tires rotated, doctor's appointments (my blood pressure shoots up and my heart starts pounding), and I have caller ID on my phone so I never have to answer the phone and be caught off-guard by who is on the other end, making phone calls other than for social reasons makes me so nervous that it takes me several minutes to work myself up to picking up the phone. I'm very strange... I know.

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

Ah-ha! I was frightened of the lottery, but while I was in WIsconsin on a road trip, the Power Ball was at like $150 million! SO, I did what I always do when I'm in a zone I'm unfamiliar with. I walked up to the desk and said, "Hi, my mom, the lottery addict, sent me to get her Power Ball tickets and I've never bought one in my life. How's this go?" And despite the fact that it was Wisconsin and I can never get a decent set of directions from anyone in Wisconsin EVER, she helped me and I bought $10 worth of tickets, which, obviously, didn't win.

Blame it on someone else! Say you don't partake of this, but someone sent you! It's a failsafe!

t~ said...

lol I just read librarian's response, and I sooo totally do that too! but i also do it when i'm dissatified with something but afraid to speak up... For example:

A while back I bought a cake that looked like it had been thrown on the floor. I paid for it silently and left... The next morning, i called and made a fuss saying that i had sent my daughter in to pick it up for me, and her not knowing better just took it. I went on to explain how appalled i was and yada yada... lol well, it worked that time... but i always use the excuse that i'm there for someone else when i'm uncomfortable with something....

Zube Girl said...

Phil- Oh, the RV thing is a dream of mine, too! Great pun. I'm a big fan of puns. In fact I'm wishing I could make one right now, but...eh, nothings coming to me. :-)

Amy- I can't stand calling people either! And I HATE doctor's appointments. But, with calling people, I get all flustered and feel stupid when I'm trying to order food over the phone. I usually end up trying to make lame jokes that fall flat on their face, and when the delivery person finally comes around with whatever I managed to successfully or unsuccessfully order, they kind of back away slowly...Heh.

Librarian- That I am going to have to try! I can't get Zube Boy to buy the lotto tickets because he things they're stupid, which, well, they kind of are. But I mean, the possibility of winning millions and only putting forth $10. I hate passing it up.

T~ I have done similar things! I am SO nonconfrontational when it comes to customer service. I think it is due to having been a waitress, a cashier, and now working in a hotel, I'm fraught with fear at the thought of being *THAT* customer. The one I myself hate.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I'd be better off if I DIDN'T know how to buy lottery tickets, because I always always always lose. However, if I buy one for my daughter to scratch off, she wins. I'm trying to figure out how to get her to buy a Powerball since they have the age limit and all....

And if I won, I'd just quit working a lay on the couch for about a month. Just so I could have some time without 50 people needing shit from me all the time. Dutch Oven would have to keep working, though- just to keep him out of the ouse while I'm relaxing.

I would also buy a helicopter to take Lil Cowgirl to school in the mornings that I could land on the soccer field. Then she wouldn't be late all the time.

zazzafooky said...

I thought I was the only who was more than a little freaked out by the whole process. It seems so confusing and nonsensical, not to mention a little embarassing; kind of like asking where the porn section is at the video store. Also I get real flippin annoyed at the jokers who take twenty minutes in the 7-Eleven line trying to pick out their lotto crap.

Seems like more effor than its worth :-)

Good plans though for if you do win. Very sensible.

junebee said...

Ok, guys, the phone calls are not that hard. For example, you want to find out if a store or restaurant is open, so you call the store or restaurant, and someone answers the phone. Of course, it's stupid to say:"Uhhh, are you open?" So instead you say "What are your hours today?" Easy enough.

I like the non-religious charity thing. I didn't know there were any.

Zube Girl said...

Bonanza- You want a helicopter, I want a snow cat. That's the snow grooming equipment. I could just ride right the hell over people who were driving too slow.

TJ- Yeah, it is an awful lot of trouble. And I would just never win. Ever.

Junebee- Yeah, the Red Cross is non-religous I'm fairly certain, Doctors Without Borders, and there are others. I'd have to do a bit of research but I know they're out there.

Courtney said...

I second, third, fourth-whatever you're at now- the idea that buying lottery tickets (or really anything unknown when other people are watching) is scary as all hell. I think that my biggest fear must be looking like an idiot, because I will do just about anything to avoid situations where I might look dumb, weak, or otherwise incompetent. When Derek (husband) made me call our landlord to see if he could hold our rent check for a few days, I cried because I was so nervous and upset that I had to do it. Yup. Big anxious freak over here. :)


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