Monday, August 08, 2005

Never Fart Outside When You Think You're Alone

Because odds are, you're not.

The other night, I was sitting outside, staring up at the sky, feeling that all was right with the world. Except for the fact that I had to fart something fierce. So, I looked around with my piercing x-ray eyes that have obviously lost their acuity since my days as a detective fighting evil.

I could see no one. So, I got her done. Let it rip. Cut the cheese. It was pretty nifty sounding; echoing throughout the neighborhood. I giggled a little because I felt so free and the stars looked so pretty and I REALLY felt as though all was perfect with the world.

Until, I saw the shadow of a figure and the undeniable lit end of a cigarette on my neighbors porch. Zube Boy calls these neighbors The Dudes. 'Cause they're dudes dude. Seriously, dude. They're always hanging out on the porch smoking cigarettes and peeling their vehicles up and down the street, duding it up. I should have known one of them would be out there dammit.

I mean, it's funny when Zube Boy pokes fun at The Dudes, but I've shot any bit of dignity and sneering down my nose at them to bits. Last night, Zube Boy said, "Dude, The Dudes are all fighting and shit." Instead of my usual turning-off-the-lights-and-running-to-the-window-cause-I'm-a-
nosy-as-shit-neighbor routine, I got all sheepish instead.

I replied, "Dude, whatever."

16 Leg Humps:

Anonymous said...

Sneer away, I say, You think they don't ever fart?

I always told Dutch Oven that I don't it comes out my ears. I think he believed this for years, as I do not have the same gas quotient he does. Hence the nickname...

Anyway, one little poot doesn't change them. Have at being condescending! :)

Storm said...

hee.. I know exactly how you feel, having had the exact same experience abour four years ago when I started going out with Steve... In my case it was his neighbors that I'm sure heard me.

It's not the farting, its the astounding loudness of the fart.

Phil said...

"Never Fart Outside When You Think You're Alone"

Because it's always more entertaining when you're not alone, right? ;)


Anonymous said...

Better out than in I always say.

I could write reams about the art of farting and enjoying it, but I'll let it pass for now. If you can't fart in your own back yard, what can you do.

junebee said...

Guess you told THEM! Ha ha. BTW I'm a Mrs. Kravitz neighbor too. Due to crime and all that.

The Chinese have a saying, the stinkiest fart is one that is not heard. I read this in a book by Amy Tan and X. confirmed it's a traditional Chinese saying.

Imagine, all those SBD's (Silent But Deadlys) in crowded China.

And who knows, the Dudes may even respect you for "telling it like it is!"

Zube said...

Bonanza Jellybean- Heh. If it comes out of your ears, what do they sound like? ;-)

Storm- Yes! It was the loudness and the echoing. And then me giggling.

Phil- Ha! Good one. It most certainly makes for a better story!

Dutch Oven- Yes. I only hope that someday I'll have a back yard that isn't on top of someone else's back yard.

Junebee- Ooooh! SBD's are the worst! There's just no warning.

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

My boyfriend says (and I'm starting to believe it) that if a fart doesn't make a ton of noise, it's going to stink like hell. Why? Because farts want to be noticed. One way or another.

I love that I'm with someone who encourages me to let it rip and then tells me I'm a great farter. Because I am, I just never thought someone might appreciate that.

Zube said...

Librarian Extraordinaire- It is wonderful when you find that love. Seriously! :-)

I think your boyfriend is right. Farts do want to be noticed. This means that Zack is a farts dream. Our dog never lets his farts down. At least I don't think he does.

PaintingChef said...

Sometimes, you just have to let them rip. Otherwise, I think you might explode. I'm a morning farter but I usually wait till Patrick is gone, no need to put him to shame because my ass gas is so much more melodic than his.

Erika said...

Man, you aren't supposed to fart indoors you aren't supposed to fart out of doors. Where the hell are you free to let her rip? I say we all unite and take back the world. We should fart where ever we please. Inside, outside, at dinner in church you get the picture. On the count of three now! One...Two...Oops! I couldn't hold it till three.

Chris & Cheryl said...

How about when you are in a store and you're the only person in that aisle and you let one go thinking no one will know, then it turns out to be stinky and then a cute guy turns the corner right afterwards?

Of course, that's NEVER happened to me. Not!

Amy said...

Here is what I think is super funny about this post... once again we have something whacky in common (ass monkey being the other) - my husband and I nickname all of our neighbors! - In fact, that will be the subject of my next post!!

Julie Marsh said...

Zube Girl, just wait until you've been pregnant. Then you will have no compunction whatsoever about letting one rip.

That said, I'll admit that I was a bit embarrassed myself when I inadvertently broke wind during Pilates class last week.

Zube said...

Painting Chef- You are such a sweet wife.

Erika- Hee. I can never hold it either!

Anduin Andorian- Zube Boy always drops ventrilifarts when we're shopping, and then walks away. I usually don't notice the smell until someone is walking by giving me a nasty look.

Amy- All of our neighbors have nicknames, too! Pooflinger. Nice Old Guy. Heh.

Mother Goosemouse- I have a feeling I'm going to be dangerous when I'm pregnant.

zazzafooky said...

This right here is so what I love about you!! (I flip out the lights to spy too!) :-)

Zube said...

TJ- I just have to know EVERYTHING everyone is up to. But, when I fart, I prefer no one catches it. ;-)


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