Sunday, October 23, 2005

I Spy With Mine Own Eye

I kind of wish we had a bigger yard. For lots of reasons, not the least of which being that if we had a bigger yard, I think I could really be a spy. I guess that's the sort of sacrifice you make when you live in a pretty beautiful place where the only reasonably affordable houses are on .1 acre.

Anway, in the event that we ever move up the real estate food chain, I would like a nice big back yard where I can practice my spy rolls. As it is, I've got to practice them in the living room. Sometimes I hit my head on the coffee table or land on a cat, and with obstacles such as that, I'm never going to get good at them.

I mean, I know that when I'm a real spy, I'm going to have obstacles in the way. For example, when I leap from the rooftop of one building to another, deftly avoiding the flock of pigeons flying by, I'll need to make sure I spy roll around the big metal vent thingy that the bad guys always hide behind, but right now it's all about technique. I need to get my technique down before I go challenging myself with obstacles, you know?

I think that being a spy is, like, the sexiest job EVER! Except, when you go to cocktail parties and shit, it's not like you can say, "Oh, I'm a spy," when someone asks you what you do for a living. That would kind of suck. The whole point of being a spy is that it's a secret.

Maybe being a spy wouldn't be such a glamorous job after all. But fuck it. I just want to wear the sexy leather uniform spy chicks always have on. In which case, I'll need a boob job, too.

A boob job and a bigger yard. Le sigh. I have big dreams, you guys.

15 Leg Humps:

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

I think you have seen True Lies one too many times. (And I think we girls can all admit we wanted to be Jaime Lee Curtis stripping however clumsily for our country like she did.) Or is it Alias that now inspires people? Hopefully it's not Top Secret or Gotcha.

Who or what would you be spying on? The crazy neighbor?

Phil said...

The biggest problem about having a big yard to do your spy rolls in, though, is that you must make absolutely certain you clean up after your dog on a very regular basis. Which is why I would never dream of doing spy rolls in my back yard.

And why can't you tell people you're a spy? Haven't you ever seen "Gross Pointe Blank"? The main character has no problem telling people about him being a professional hit man, so why would a spy be any different? Especiallys since it's not like anyone would really believe you were actually a spy. :)


Bonanza Jellybean said...

I SO get you. I always wanted to be Catwoman. Not quite a spy, but the same kick-ass attitude. Except, I can't roll worth a shit anymore. Or jump. I even had Catwoman underoos, and even though everyne else had Wonder Woman and wanted to be her, I always liked my Catwomans better. I wish I had some now...

And NOT the Halle Berry version.

I wouldn't mind being a Bond girl though. For Brosnan or Connery. The others were wusses.

LaLa Lisa said...

Ok, so my heart dropped when you mentioned high real estate prices. We're hoping to move out to CO Springs and have had a few people mention high housing costs. I figure coming from the DC Metro area, nothing other than San Fran/NY/L.A will be worse to us. However, we had this dream of being able to buy a bigger house with lots of backyard for Baden to run around in. Are we so in lala Land?

zazzafooky said...

I fall in the plants whenever I do my spy-duck thing to avoid detection. Even worse is at night when I tell everyone in the house that we have to turn ALL of the lights off for an hour while I peep the neighbors.

Like that really works!

Chickie said...

When I was in high school and worked in the local library I'd sneak around the bookshelves, spying on patrons. Lots of fun.

Zube Girl said...

Librarian- Ah, but the crazy neighbor has left for good I believe. He only returned to go to court. I was kind of afraid to type that out loud, lest he return.

I think I would spy on The Dudes that live across the street.

Phil- Well shit. Quite literally, eh? See, what the hell kind of spy would I be? I hadn't even thought of that shit!

Bonanza- If you were Cat Woman, we would totally go out and pick up guys at the bar together. I'd spy good ones for you, and you would claw to death any bad ones.

Of course, we'd have husbands and all, so it would just be one big game. :-)

Lala Lisa- Actually, where we live is pretty pricey because it is a ski resort. I don't think Colorado Springs is so bad, though. Just a warning, knowing that you're a liberal sistah of mine, Colorado Springs is VERY Christian conservative. Think, home base of Focus on the Family. Anyway, just a heads up. But, they're are tons of cute suburbs around Denver. If you need me to get you any info, PLEASE feel free to e-mail me!

TJ- *snort* We are so the same that way. If nothing else, I am a nosy shit.

Chickie- Spying is ALWAYS cool. Love it.

mothergoosemouse said...

Moving out here I thought we could get a bigger yard than this. It's as if there are two extremes available - .10 acres (and very little of it covered with actual grass) or 10 acres (with barns and other shit that I don't want to maintain).

junebee said...

Take Hapkido. We learn several different rolls. They are also useful if you find yourself falling off your bike...

Courtney said...

I spy on my neighbors all the time, but then they make it easy by having dramatic fights in the hallway directly outside of my door.

You crack me up. :)

PaintingChef said...

I have that same fantasy...being top secret super agent badass woman going around saving the world and catching the bad guy...

Am dork. Will shut up now.

Kjersten said...

I ALWAYS wanted to be a spy. Living in DC totally ruined it for me. They have the highest concentration of real-life spies in the world and I have yet to see anything cool come out of these 'so called spies'. Perhaps I'm just not hanging out in the right places.

Weary Hag said...

Well well my little Zube friend. Long time no see. (my fault, my fault)

I don't want to BE a spy - I just want to have all those cool spy gadgets. You know - like a pen that writes in disappearing ink, a key chain that squirts poison in the eye of your enemy (everyone but me), and a way cool car that has huge cannons where the headlights should be.

You could keep the leather suit too... if I ever got into it, it'd split up the side and all my junk would fall right out. I just know it.

Great to read you again.

Zube Girl said...

Mother Goosemouse- Maybe it's just up in the foothills and mountains that things are more expensive? I don't know why I'm thinking that the suburbs of Denver are less expensive? You're in the mountains, if I recall correctly? Hmm..

Junebee- That sounds AWESOME! I really should take karate. How cool would that be?

Courtney- It is so fun to spy! Especially when neighbors make it easy. :-)

PaintingChef- If you're a dork, then so am I. We could be a spy team. That would rock.

Kjersten- Oh, I'm so bummed to learn that real life spies are lame! Dang!

Weary Hag- I bear some fault, too! It is good to see you again. I want all the cool shit, too. And with the leather suit, well, suffice it to say that just as being a spy is a dream, so is looking gorgeous in that get-up. :-)

Anonymous said...

Spying on patrons at the library?

You're a fucking LOSER.


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