Monday, September 05, 2005

A Zube By Any Other Name Is...Is Pissed Off As All Hell

MRS. ZUBEBOY'SFIRSTNAME ZUBEBOY'SLASTNAME IS NOT MY FUCKING NAME!!! I mean, I may in fact BE a little nuts, but it doesn't mean that I've actually GROWN a pair since our wedding day, which makes addressing an invitation to Mrs. Michael Whatever all kinds of fucking weird. Thanks for the honor of adding an 'S' to Mr. Otherwise I might've thought you were sending a letter to my husband. You're a champ.

When I see things addressed to this Mrs. Michael person, I feel like I've been swallowed up by the institution of marriage. And have suddenly been bequeathed with a pair of balls. Which, fuck that. If I've got to bleed once a month, I could do without the sacs. I just can't be bothered with chafing and worrying about letting it hang to the left or the right when I've got, oh I don't know, CRAMPS from hell every two out of 28 days. Mmmmmkay?

It's bad enough that my fabulous Zube surname had to take a backseat and become my middle name, which in case anyone wanted to know, people NEVER bother to include though I ask them to very nicely. Middle fucking initial my ass. How about I squeeze my middle fucking NAME in that there box. It's only four letters bitches, and I can write real small when I'm so inclined.

Hillary Rodham Clinton rocked three names for years. Why the fuck can't I? Okay, so I'm not the wife of a former President or anything, but I have a sceptor and a tiara and I make one hell of a margarita. I've got credentials coming out of my ass.

Even the reporter who asked me how I wanted my name printed in an article about ME forgot the Zube. I said, "Please make sure you include Zube in the article." Hello! That whole story you wrote about me? The girl who survived that horrid shit and lived to tell, had the surname ZUBE. Did it EVER occur to you that maybe, just maybe, I wanted to make sure that folks who knew me way back when I was a heap of depressed shit puking and crying into a toilet at a frat party, could google search my sorry ass only to discover that I'm doing pretty damn okay nowadays? Print my damn name the way I requested. Fucker.

I cut a little slack for old people who address mail to Mrs. Hisfuckingfullname, because that's the way they've been doing it for, oh, maybe eighty years. But if you're in your twenties or thirties, you can feel free to address any mail that's coming my way to MY PROPER FUCKING NAME thankyouverymuch.

Did I mention that I'm having major regrets about changing my name at all? No? Well, I am.

16 Leg Humps:

Phil said...

Damn girl, you need to chill out. Deal with it. Learn to accept the way things are and should be. Zubeboy needs to put his foot down and make sure you know your place. You are his wife, and that's all you should be known as . . . Mrs. Hisname. Women don't get their own identities. Next thing you know, they'll be wanting to vote and own their own blogs and shit.


(running away and hiding before the wrath of Zube hits me) lol

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I hyphenated mine, but that doesn't stop MEMBERS OF MY OWN FREAKIN' family from ignoring that fact and calling me just be the husband's last name.

I went from a very cool and easy English name to the surname of a Russian defector. Dutch Oven didn't even keep his own real first name- he had to change it when he was a kid so people could say it. And his mother still calls him by the old one, which in American pronunciation sounds like "Sever", as in a limb.

Here in SC, it's $50 and an afternoon downtown to change it back. I'm considering it.

You should have seen the battle when I tried to have Lil Cowgirl have my last name... that's the only fight I have lost so far.

Storm said...

*snorts* If I ever send you an invitation for anything, I'll be sure to put Mrs. and Mr. Yourfirstname Zube.

I feel your pain.... At least as much as I can whilst not married. I've always been a bit sad about the thought of giving up my last name in the future... After all, I fucking chose it. Long story. Suffice it to say I didn't want to have the same last name as my father.

On another note, my grandpa took my grandma's last name. Really forward thinking of him, huh? Of course, his last name was Titts. When I changed my last name, I took my mom's maiden name, which was my grandma's maiden name. If Grandma had taken Grandpa's "maiden" name, I would have been named Stormy Titts.

Phil said...

Speaking of funny names, I once worked with a lady who hyphenated her last name after marriage. Lemme tell you, if you last name is Grooms and you marry someone named Cox, do NOT hyphenate. And yes, it's a true story. lol


Chickie said...

I still have my maiden name on some things due to laziness. Don't feel like spending 2 hours at the courthouse to change it. On my license it's Chickie MadienName HisName, on one credit card I use his last name but at work and on my bank account everything's in my maiden name. I guess I need to decide what I want to be called and change everything to the same name.

The main reason I kept my maiden name was it was such a pain in the ass to get it back when I got a divorce. I said I'd never go without it after that.

The only thing I don't like seeing in the mailbox is stuff addressed to me using my old married name or anything to Sweety's exwives.

junebee said...

If it makes you feel any better, the Citizen X. gets junk mail addressed Ms. X. Sxxx. I wonder if that is meant for me or if it's just that marketers haven't done their homework, because if they did, they would know that X is a Chinese male name.

BTW I took the Citizen's surname after I married because my maiden name was one of the most common names in the US. I got my 2nd degree belt with the married name on it before I legally changed it. Funny, he (martial arts master) still introduces me by my maiden name even though my married name is RIGHT THERE ON THE BELT, DAMMIT! He, my dad, and my brother still have a hard time remembering my married name.

No matter what you do, not everyone is going to get with the program.

Courtney said...

I didn't mind losing my last name but I hear you on the losing your identity part. It reminds me of a wedding ceremony my friend went to and told me about later. Apparently they did the whole candle lighting thing and after they had lit the candle representing their unity, the priest BLEW OUT their individual candles. Does this always happen?? Can it be any more obvious that you're saying that you are no longer your own person when you get married? Argh. Pissed me the hell off. And I wasn't even there.

Anyway, back to the Mrs. I hate Mrs in general. It makes me think I'm his mother. And I am not an extension of my husband. Argh.

kyknoord said...

Apart from the insultingly casual assumption that you are little more than an appendage of your husband, I think the whole 'Mrs Darth Vader' business just plain silly.

zazzafooky said...

I adore these hard core rants of yours!!! My husband and I are Teddy & Eddie and both of our last names suck so I didn't give a rip but with a kick ass name like Zube, you have to put your foot down and make him change HIS name!

Zube Girl said...

Phil- At first I was reading your comment, and I was like, "Oh my god! Phil has a death wish." Hee. Don't tell him I said this, but I think Zube Boy likes that I don't know my place. Keeps things interesting. :-)

Bonanza- So, when we do the kids thing, our eldest son gets Zube Boy's first name as a middle, but the next kid/s are getting Zube as a middle. See, if my brother doesn't have a son, our string of Zube's dies off. That's kind of sad to me, because it is a totally rare and unique last name.

Storm- Hee. Stormy Titts. You're grandfather was a pretty progressive guy, though, to not just pick a new name altogether!

Chickie- Ah, yeah. I've changed some stuff but not others. I meet people at conferences and introduce myself by my maiden name even though my nametag has my married name (which is always missing Zube, of course). I've done a half-assed job at the name change, at best.

Junebee- I think I might not have had such a problem if my name weren't so different. It's almost like my first name. That's what a lot of people call me, and how most of my friends introduce me. Some people who know me as "Zube" don't even know my real first name!

Courtney- YES, they do that with the candles! I just think they should leave all of them burning. I'm a firm believer in being your own person in marriage is essential. It's too difficult to be someone's 'other half'. What a huge responsibility, you know?

Kyknoord- You know though, I might not mind so much being Mrs. Darth Vader. :-)

TJ- I WISH he'd be a Zube!!! He really didn't care if I changed my name or not, but many other people got visibly upset when I mentioned not changing it. So, I caved. But, one of the things that made him truly understand what I was going through was to ask him, "Imagine changing your name to mine...How would you feel about that?" He's cool. He got it.

PaintingChef said...

I didn't actually change my name. Not yet anyway. I mean, I GO by his name but I haven't changed it legally...

malfouka said...

I kept my name. Hell! as an adopted person, I feel pretty damn lucky to have gotten the name in the first place--long & boring story! However, I would have kept my name regardless. My husband was going to change his last name to mine, but received all sorts of crap from his brother and mother. My family was actually pretty pleased that I kept my name though some still don't quit get it (after 13 years) and refer to me as Mrs. malfouka mylastname-hislastname.

Kari said...

I am with ya! I hate the Mrs. Man ManLastName crap I get in the mail. Frequently, it is even worse because they will address various joint-decision things ONLY to my husband, as if he has the final / only say on various vendors. (Like mortgage / refinancing things. The public records have both our names on the house, why solicit only my husband?)

I didn't change my name for reasons many commenters have touched on and you mention in your post - the person who went through all the pre-wedding stuff deserves to still be part of your post-wedding identity.

There are several members of my husband's family who continue to refer to me as Mrs. HisName, possibly in protest because in their eyes it is a rebellious thing that I did by keeping my name.

It wasn't meant to be a slight on his family; rather, it was meant to be a tribute to mine. But given their reactions to my decision, I am glad I don't share their name.

Erik Mann said...

another great blog from you guys. i'd point you to mine but it isn't yet the way I'd like it. i do have a website that I think is cool, kind of almost about art golden martial studio

Anonymous said...

please SHUT UP, you are not funny or entertaining in the least.

Zube said...

WHAT?! You mean not everyone absolutely adores me?! Color me shocked! Because that's what I was going for. Really, Anon. :-)


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