Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Lunchtime Love Notes

Just in case animals ever start going to school and I need to pack lunches for them, I've composed a few little love notes I would tenderly tuck in their brown bags.

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Dear Alexander,

For lunch today, I have given you a mouse. Please be sure to finish it and dispose of it at school because leaving that shit by the front door is just nasty, and makes Mommy shriek. And we both know how much Daddy hates when I do that. I know you get to feeling all proud of your prowess, but color me unimpressed with the gifts you give me.

Maybe you could, I don't know, paint me a picture in art class or something. Have a good day at school. Remember: Just Say No to Catnip!

Love,
Mommy

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Dear Zackary,

I'm sorry I yelled at you to, "Get on the damn bus already," this morning. I know you were just upset because Zoey and Alexander got to ride the regular animal bus, and you have to go on the blue one. But, seriously, mornings are not my thang, and all I wanted was for you all to leave so I could have a cup of coffee in peace.

Oh yeah, hurry home after school. Your teacher told me that we need to buy you a helmet so you don't hurt yourself barreling down the hall.

Hope you enjoyed the remote control I packed for your lunch today. It's brand new, but I figured I'd give it to you before I got too attached to it.

Love,
Mommy

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Dear Zoey,

What do you think of your lunch today? Yeah, I know you don't actually EAT spider plants but you sure as hell tear the shit out of them to the point where they are deader than even a Mommy with a green thumb can fix. Lest they die in vain, you better EAT ALL YOUR LUNCH. Dammit. Why do you do the things you do?

I've written a note to your teacher forbidding you to participate in gym class because if you were any faster and spriter, I might have to use my superhuman powers to turn you into a rock. And I'm not about the idle threats.

Love,
Mommy

15 Leg Humps:

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I'm sure they would appreciate their notes when they opened their little lunchboxes, btu like all cool kids, they'd just roll their eyes when you asked if you found them.

And yes, I'm sure your kids are cool. Even the one with the helmet. :)

Storm said...

arg, that was me, storm, NOT Belial. Sometimes Blogger sucks, especially when I'm not paying attention.

I don't know if you get your comments emailed to you or not. If you don't, I basically said that I hate it when my plants die in vain. The least the cat could do is consume what they've killed. And I laughed somewhere in there too, I think.

Dutch Oven said...

Bonanza would have to go ahead and pack a piece of her new car since they have already decided it tastes better than anything else on the other 12 acres they have to choose from.

They touch my truck and they'll be in a bag - a body bag.

Courtney said...

I freakin love your posts. You crack me up. I read the first note out loud to my husband. It has to be really funny for me to disturb his tv watching time. :)

kyknoord said...

Those poor 'kiddies are' so gonna get beaten up.

PaintingChef said...

Aw...isn't it fun to have kids that have four legs and love you unconditionally (well...dogs do that anyway, cats, you just never know.)

So clever!

OldGuy said...

Good ones !

zazzafooky said...

I love this!!! I would have packed up their little vomit piles I find all over the house and told them to enjoy it again :-)

txsm said...

You never cease to amaze me the things you post....love it!!!!

I agree with 'TJ', I would have also included one of their wonderful HAIRBALLS...ewwwww!

junebee said...

Too damn funny!

Chickie said...

They'd probably rip the hell outta the notes before they had a chance to read them.

I fucking LOVE it when my cat leaves a mouse outside. There's nothing that makes my heart swell with pride more than almost stepping on a mouse carcass in the middle of the night. And then the thrill of scooping it's ant-riddled body up the next morning with a shovel to toss it away while the neighbors watch just can't be beat.

Blog ho said...

that's so cute i'm dying on cute overdose. you may have my children. j/k. you can't have them.

mothergoosemouse said...

That is too fucking funny. You are much nicer to your animals than I ever was. I always threatened to break Cleopatra's little white kneecaps if I caught her scratching the rug again. And I'm not about the idle threat either...

junebee said...

Is the blue bus similar to the short bus for humans?

Zube Girl said...

Bonanza Jellybean- Helmets are cool!

Storm- No worries! And yeah, I wish she would just eat them.

Dutch Oven- Oh my God, death would ensue if that happened on our .1 acre!!!

Courtney- I rarely ever do this interrupting husband tv watching either! I'm glad you got a laugh! I hope he did, too!

Kyknoord- Don't tell me that, because I'll be the embarrassing Mom who kicks the other kids' parents' ass. Seriously!

PaintingChef- Cats, for the record, don't want you to know anything. Really.

Old Guy- Thanks!

TJ-Ah yes, that will be for their second day of school.

TXSM- Thank you!

Junebee- Hee. And with the blue bus, I was going a little more the the psycho delinquent aspect. I envision a military school bus as blue. But, I'm really not sure!

Chickie- Ooh, it's best when the neighbors watch.

Blog Ho- Your kids are missin' out. Well, not really.

Mother Goosemouse- I only wish you could tell *them* how nice I am!!!

 

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