Friday, August 22, 2008

Wherein I Appall Even My Most Feverish of Admirers...

Ahem, Brad, might I suggest that at this point you step away from the keyboard and mozy on over to the nursery to snuggle your two beautiful babies right now? I mean, it's terribly annoying to be repeatedly calling 911 after you've fallen out of a tree YET AGAIN peeping through my window at my flannel pajama clad babeness, but it's sorta like how that guy Cliff, on Singles, had barbecues no one attended because of the noisy planes near his house, but when he moved he missed the noisy planes bunches and, well, it's like that with me and you. I'd miss you stalking me. And I promise, if you read this, you will totally and absolutely NOT be infatuated with me anymore. And while Z-Boy would be pleased to not have to deal with me screeching, "YOU AGAIN!?!?" on a semi-regular basis, well, I think he'd kinda miss beating you up, too. Adrenaline rush and all.


Dear Universe,

If you're going to be all fucked up and unfair and assault me with a Mount Everest sized pimple on my cheek that would send Heather Chandler running to the kitchen for a drain cleaner fueled wake-up drink at the ripe old age of thirty-three whilst also bestowing me with random black hairs I must pluck out of my chin every other week or so (I mean, the chin hair seems a little premature, no? As long as I'm still dealing with pimples?) would you at least find a morsel of kindness in your shriveled up, cold, black heart and not place the pimple in such a spot that it blocks my view in the mirror of the aforementioned black hair I'm trying to pluck?

Seriously, asshole.


6 Leg Humps:

Crys said...

ah, the joys of being a woman!

rebturtle said...

Probably all the hormones we ate in beef and chicken growing up. I hate the thought of all the militant Vegans and people who insist on organic foods being right. I still like good old-fashioned cheap hot dogs. I figure with all the crap I eat, they won't have to bother embalming me when I go.... :)

Miss Cellania said...

You can't be assaulted with one type of blemish at a time, they have to gang up on you. It's Mother Nature's way.

AmyD said...


Here here!

Remember when I had that humongous zit a few years ago? It was on my cheek and it made my eye swell closed. I got teased for not posting pictures!!!

Don't put hydrogen peroxide on it. I did that and it turned it WHITE. OMG....

sorry. Shutting up now.

Crazy Lady said...

Stupid mother nature - she has a crappy ass sense of humor!

Effortlessly Average said...

Dear Zube-

Now where would the fun be in that?! I mean, you should be happy I didn't make the hemorrhoids permanent.

Warmest Regards,
The Universe


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