Monday, May 23, 2005

Brad is Crazy, Y'all.

I heard a rumor that Brad Pitt visits a friend of his in our ski town. Sometimes when I'm at the bar playing pool I think how suave I'd be if he happened to walk in. I'd wait a few minutes for the crowd around him to dissipate. Then I'd saunter up while suggestively holding my pool stick. I'd order a cosmopolitan, and wave towards Brad when the bartender brought it over, all oh he's got this one...

ZG: Hey, so I hear you're my biggest fan.

Brad: Well, I wasn't until you just said that.

ZG: Yeah, I know. That was like, a really cool thing to say, wasn't it?

Brad: You are totally hot.

ZG: I know.

Brad: And cool.

ZG: So I hear.

Brad: Wanna hang out?

ZG: Oh no. I already have a husband.

That would be the beginning of the end, so to speak. He would be so enthralled with me that he would start showing up wherever Zube Boy and I were having dinner, and peeking in my windows while I was getting dressed for work. It would be a bit of a thrill in the beginning to be 'Celebrity Stalked' but then it would just get old.

Zube Girl: Honey.

Zube Boy: What?

ZG: Brad is at the window watching me put on my pajamas again.

ZB: Goddamnit! This is getting really old. How many fucking times do I have to beat up Brad Pitt before he realizes you're my hot wife? Geez.

You know, that would be kind of annoying.

I think that instead of being all coy and sexy if I ever see Brad, I'll wield my pool stick like a lampoon, glare at him, and say, "Dude, you're fucking nuts! Stay the hell away from me you crazy stalker!"

'Cause I just don't have time for stalkers. Even celebrity ones. I mean, I'm happily married, Brad. Get over it. 'Kay? And I don't even fucking like cosmopolitans anyway. I'm just not ready for Hollywood.

2 Leg Humps:

Anonymous said...


Only one thing. Brad is too busy stalking me and I'm not ready to send him away yet...

Anonymous said...

you have the same sense of humor as every teen-age girl born of the late 80's.....this is not a compliment.


designer : anniebluesky : / graphics : AmyD :