And Jesus Said, "Stop Following Me!"

I'm going to let you all in on a little family correspondence.

Dear Zack,

I came to realize something very disturbing, and I wanted to touch base with you about it. The other day, I was outside calling and calling you. Screaming "Zack!" very loudly at the ass crack of seven in the morning, 'cause I had to go to work, and couldn't leave you roaming around outside for eight hours unnattended.

After a few unsuccessful rounds of "Zack, come here," I threw up my arms in exasperation and yelled, "Jesus Christ, where are you?" And, you know what? You came bounding around the corner. I didn't think much of it until I was heading to work.

I thought about all the times Zube Boy and I have said the following:

"Jesus Christ, you got into the garbage again!"

"Jesus Christ, get off the couch!"

"Jesus Christ, get off the bed!"

"Jesus Christ, inside or outside! Make up your mind!"

I'm afraid you might think you are Jesus Christ, and, well, don't get me wrong...You're a great dog, but walk on water, you do not, my friend. I'm just saying.

Love,

Mom

*****************************************

Dear Mom,

Who is this Zack character? Anyway, I'm assuming the letter you wrote was for me, because you left it on my dog bed.

Do you think I'm an idiot? For Christ's sake, no pun intended, I'm not stupid, Mom. Give me a break. You didn't even yell, "Jesus Christ, where are you?" the other day, but that's besides the point.

Now, don't get your panties in a twist because of what I'm about to tell you, but I think you're just getting old. I mean, you are almost thirty, and that's like, I don't know, 5,000 in dog years.

Get off my back, lady. Sheesh.

Love,

God Dammit

PS- Holy Shit and I were wondering about something. Is Little Shit his sister? I said yes, because they have the same last name. He says no way in hell, but I think that's just because he likes kissing on her. Anway, we'd appreciate if you could clear this up for us.