Thursday, August 04, 2005

You Want Out? I'll Show You the Door...

Alexander and Zoey are spoiled fucking brats. Seriously. And, I've got no one to blame but myself. They are both so damn vocal, and no matter how many times I tell them cats are to be seen and not heard, they fail to grasp the concept. They MEOW their asses off when they want in and out, which between the two of them is just about every 15 minutes. Alexander is fond of sitting outside the kitchen window, and staring at me, while serenading me with MRRRROOOOOWRRRRRR's. Having been a cat translator in the past, this means, "Hey. Human. Let me in. I want me some kibble. NOW!"

It drives me fucking nuts, and for that reason, I let him in. Well, actually once in a while, I'll stand at the sink, fill a glass with water, and throw it through the window screen laughing wildly as he nearly flies around the side of the house. Hee.

Being the permissive kitty Mom that I am, when they're winding themselves around my legs whining to be let out, in the name of actually being able to make dinner, I stomp self-righteously to the laundry room proclaiming, "I fucking hate you all," and open the back door. It would give me GREAT pleasure to assist their departure from the house with a swift kick in the ass. I get all tingly thinking about it. But you know what? They're too goddamn fast!

I end up losing my balance all cartoon style because whilst my foot is still gaining momentum they're halfway across the fucking yard already, and I end up kicking air. Or, on a really bad day, I kick the door which I've only opened a teeny bit in the hopes of actually pulling off foot to cat-ass contact. Ouch.

Nothing gets me pissier than kicking something that's not there, or even worse, something I did not intend to kick at all, so I head back inside, pick up the phone, and order myself some Chinese. For some reason, this gets me feeling smug.

17 Leg Humps:

Anduin said...

Too funny! My cat is just as obnoxious. Cries to be let out, turns around and cries to be let back in. What the hell? Love the little pain in tbe ass though.

Storm said...

Ordering Chinese food makes me smug too.

Mine meow to get out too. Unfortunatly for them, I don't trust them to be smart enough to not run into the street (we live on a fairly busy road on which a high number of teenagers drive). After all, they're not smart enough to learn that I am queen of the house and they are not. I don't know why they don't get it. Seems perfectly obvious to me...

Storm said...

Yeah, and 'zander looks pissed. Ya might wanna let him in before he decides to take revenge. :)

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Cats are supreme beings, didn't you know that? They're just gracing us with their style and beauty...

That's why I have dogs.

Don't laugh too much about the Chinese... It's really Korean you want. We had a friend in the Olympics in Seoul and he told us about getting over there early and seeing the authorities going around to restaurants making them hide the dog and cat so as to not offend the westerners.

Another fun thing to try is fill a squirt bottle with water. We actually have one named the Bad Kitty Bottle, and it's IMMENSELY satisfying to shoot them when they're annoying the piss out of you.

Zube Girl said...

Anduin Andorian- Yeah, I love 'em, too, despite myself. Dangit.

Storm- Yeah, mine would not be allowed out if we lived near a street. And Zander does look pretty pissed off, eh? Little shit.

Bonanza Jellybean- Oh my god, ewww! I don't know why I just couldn't imagine eating cat/dog but a cow is okay. Huh.

And, we're going to get a water gun. Or I am. I figure it should keep all kinds of things in line. Cats...Dogs...Husbands...

zazzafooky said...

You need a CatFlap! :-)

I can't stand the incessant meowing so I put in a catflap and a bottomless feeder and said "You're on your own kids. Leave me alone."

I water them once a week and we live in harmony.

Blog ho said...

you may have my cats, as well.

jules said...

My cat pukes on our bed. She's not aloud in the bedroom anymore, except for when we're sleeping and even that is risking it! Ew!

junebee said...

Well then you would really hate martial arts because we spend LOTS of time kicking something that's not even there so that in case we ever DO have to kick something that IS there, we kick it good and hard.

We also learned a kick which is perfect for ushering cats out the door. You point your toes outward and kick with the heel and inside edge of your foot. Since it's a low kick, it's extremely useful for hastening the exit of errant cats. I myself employ it from time to time.

And that kitty in the pic looks pretty darn forlorn. Maybe he needs a letter to admonish him for his spoiled behavior.

Lastly, my dad used to say that his cat was always on the wrong side of the door. Sounds like you have the same problem. Just wait till you have kids!
Wah-ha-ha-ha (diabolical laughter).

Bonanza Jellybean said...

The spray bottle does work on husbands... Dutch Oven has been "Bad Kittied" more than once. He runs from the room just like the cats do. :)

kyknoord said...

Chinese? LOL. I wonder what that "reason" could be? My mother keeps a charged super-soaker on hand to indicate to her cats when she is tired of playing musical doors.

PaintingChef said...

Luna is an inside cat but every now and then she sneaks out. She never makes it more than five or six steps and then she just FREEZES. But I've been letting her out on the back porch with me when I water the plants. She's growing a pair slowly but surely.

Mmm...Chinese...that's what I ordered for dinner last night!

Zube Girl said...

TJ- Oh my gawd, do I want a cat flap! Seriously.

BlogHo- Well shit, then I'll just ship 'em back to ya!

Jules- Oh, that's gross. Our cats aren't allowed in the bedroom ever. Zube Boy is a little allergic, so I let him sleep in peace. But not LIVE in peace!

Junebee- I must learn that kick! And your Dad sounds like a very smart man.

Bonanza Jellybean- Good to know...

Kyknoord- A super soaker would rock! And besides, I love shopping for toys.

PaintingChef- I tried to make Zoey an inside cat, but seeing her big brother go outside made it impossible. She was not havin' that shit!

mothergoosemouse said...

You're killing me...I remember all the times I tried to kick Cleopatra and missed, which just made me angrier. We never got her fixed (long story that will entail much ranting on my part) and her hormone supply never ran out, so she continued to go into heat regularly. And she behaved just like that stupid cat of Cartman's on South Park. Meow...meow...meow, all fucking day. She'd look up at you like you actually gave a shit and then skitter away. Or she'd get all up under your feet such that you'd step on her every time you turned around. I usually only tried to kick her when I caught her scratching something (again, never declawed, stop me now before I rant). What was really funny was when Tacy started giving her hell too. It's a riot to hear a two year old racing after the cat, yelling "Bad cat, Cleopatra! You don't scratch the rug!"

Zube Girl said...

Mother Goosemouse- Ooh, they are such a pain in the ass! Perhaps I need myself a little Tacy! Heh. I'd love to hear that!

A Rose By Any Other Name said...

HA HA, my cat just talks constantly. it's no like he really wants anything he is just letting you everything that is going on with his life. being a cat translator yourself i am sure you understand. Meow, Meow, Mrow... look at me damnit. Merow, mmmeeeeeooow, I can lay on the floor. Meow, row, i am so cute. meow meow mew mew i totally rock. he just talks like that all day. and i swear when he yawls it sound just like he is yelling MOOOOOOOOOM!!!! ask my roomy it freaks him out. ha ha

Zube Girl said...

Rose- Seriously, they are pains in the ass! How do I manage to love them so!

 

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