Bonanza Jellybean, Yo!

I am happy to present to you, Bonanza Jellybean. She is a RIOT! For real. Would I lie to you? Well, okay, fine. But not about this. I SO wish I'd had her guest post while I was in North Carolina because I NEEDED some damn forewarnings from a seasoned Southerner. The "Git 'er Done Fer Jesus!" bumper sticker nearly made me lose my cool, calm and collected composure. Nearly.

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Bonanza Jellybean here, filling in for ZubeGirl while she’s on vacation and having the time of her life with no husband or job or pets or anything to take care of. Bitter? Me? No. NOT ONE BIT.

See, I’m missing Zube pretty badly right now. I miss her humor. I miss her wonderful artwork. Mostly I miss her because I volunteered to guestblog for a day, thinking “Oh won’t this be fun and I will come up with something so great and witty and wonderful...” and IT’S JUST NOT COMING.

If Zube was at home (or at work) like the rest of us, I wouldn’t be sitting in the suffering that I am COMPLETELY IMMERSED IN right this very second because she would be right there at her computer coming up with the normal things that make us all come back and I wouldn’t have to. Instead, you’re stuck with me, who has spent the last six days trying to think of something to write. Not a great trade.

Here are the topics I considered:
• Zube and I both write about our husbands a lot. They’re usually easy targets, but I don’t know ZubeBoy and my own is being fairly boring right now. For the first time in about 4 years.
• Zube and I both have pets that we love very much. Somehow I don’t think my beagle chasing a baby mouse and me rescuing it in heels before work and stepping in dog poo is a worthy endeavor. Dog poo needs to stay in the family.
• Zube is very big on the letter Z, so I considered doing something cool with that, but all I could come up with was “Zippitydoodah,” and then that song got stuck in my head and I could get no further. “Zsa Zsa,” the only other one I could come up with, wasn’t too good either. Too much makeup and cop slapping does not make for a good guest entry, at least not without research. Zoo? Zebra? FUCK.
• Because Zube is visiting the south on her vacation, I thought about giving her some warnings about scary rednecky things she might encounter over here, but then I realized she’d be in NJ by the time mine went up, and well, New Jersey just ain’t the south. And judging from her comment, she’s already seen just what kind of parallel universe it is over here. And in case anyone was wondering, it is perfectly acceptable in the south to use your car’s bumper to witness for the lord.

So here I sit, knowing I have to get something done, and all I can think of is Zippity-Fucking-Doo-Dah. And then to make it worse, I checked to see what the other guestbloggers were doing, and dammit, they’re great. Bitches.

So, this is the best I could do, in honor of our very own ZubeGirl:

ZUBE-A-DEE-DOO-DAH

Zube-a-dee-doo-dah, zube-a-dee-ay
Fuck shit, Bonanza’s got nothing to say
Zube’ll wish she picked another to play
Zube-a-dee-doo-dah, zube-a-dee-ay

Bonanza’s ass is on her shoulders
It’s the truth, it’s actch’ll
All the others were satisfactch’ll
Zube-a-dee-doo-dah, zube-a-dee-ay
Zube’ll be back in just a few more days!

I don’t think this what Zube had in mind when she agreed to let me do this.