A Commenter Has Queried Me

...and that makes me feel like Da Bomb...

Oh Great Zube girl - please empart your married knowledge on mine head.

If my family lives there (400+ miles away) and his family lives here... Do I dump my plans of ever living near my beloved family and stay with him or dump him and take the risk of never finding a goodie again?

Damnit!!!

- So confused

I responded that I'd devote an entry to answer the question, and Confused offered up a little more clarifying info:

Awesome, I am excited for your post!

Although, for me it is no rush. I recently bought a house with said boyfriend (complete with joint bank account) so it will be a longish sticky process to disengage if that is what I eventually decide to do.
And you are great!

- Still confused.

p.s. to clarify, he won't move from here.

Firstly, THANK YOU for calling me great. I'm a sucker for that shit.

Much like you two, Zube Boy and I lived together, bought a house, and had the joint bank account thing going on all before we got married, and I always kind of thought, "Eh, what's the big freakin' deal about being married? It can't be all that different." And in some ways it wasn't. I mean, I knew that he likes to eat ice cream in the bathtub and leave his dirty ice cream dish next to his dirty towel, and he was well aware of my peculiar and annoying habit of leaving my bras on any and all surfaces within the vicinity of the television and the computer.

However, in other bigger ways, it was different. One of the biggest things on my mind was giving up the notion of every living in Jersey again. It is good that you are weighing the compromises you’ll face now, while things are surely tangled, but do not require months in family court to disband.

First off, let me say that if you love Mr. Confused and are happy sharing your life with him, house and bed and finances and all that shit, you've got a wonderful thing going on. One I'd not be inclined to pass up.

I do wonder after reading your question, though, why he would not move from where the two of you are currently residing? Is it because of a great job or an undying love for the locale? Or is it because he would be remiss to move away from his family? And maybe this is just me, but if my beloved weren’t able to even consider making the same sacrifice I am willing to make for them, I’d eventually come to resent that.

One cool thing is that 400 miles isn’t SO, SO bad. Take that with a big ole grain of salt, because I’m 2000 miles away from my clan. A visit with them involves either 34 hours in a vehicle or hours tossing back adult beverages in various airports all over this great country. 400 miles is, what, about a seven hour drive? So, it’s not too, too bad.

I hope that doesn't sound patronizing. I have a friend, or used to, from New Zealand. I eventually refused to discuss our respective families with her because it always ended with her saying, "At least YOUR family doesn't live halfway around the world like MINE does." I don't mean to dismiss you like that. Any distance is tough if you genuinely enjoy the company of your family.

I think I'd encourage you only to think about the reasoning behind his 'no moving' stance. And, if you can live with whatever that reason may be, then fucking rock on!

I'll leave you with a bit 'o knowledge I've gleened from living far away for six years. If I lived back in Jersey again, I have a feeling that I'd just, well, get used to everyone being around, you know? The way things are now, when I go home for a visit, it's a BIG FUCKING DEAL, and cousins and aunts and uncles and all the rest have an excuse to get together and enjoy one another's company. I think it was Hoot who once told me she loves it when I come home because EVERYFUCKINGBODY crawls out of the woodwork and she gets to reconnect with them, too.

If I lived there, I'm sure I'd eventually slip into the woodwork just like everyone else. Doesn't mean I don't wish I could be on Hoot and Bro's pool league team, but it helps a little.

Good luck!