Friday, October 14, 2005

A Commenter Has Queried Me

...and that makes me feel like Da Bomb...

Oh Great Zube girl - please empart your married knowledge on mine head.

If my family lives there (400+ miles away) and his family lives here... Do I dump my plans of ever living near my beloved family and stay with him or dump him and take the risk of never finding a goodie again?


- So confused

I responded that I'd devote an entry to answer the question, and Confused offered up a little more clarifying info:

Awesome, I am excited for your post!

Although, for me it is no rush. I recently bought a house with said boyfriend (complete with joint bank account) so it will be a longish sticky process to disengage if that is what I eventually decide to do.
And you are great!

- Still confused.

p.s. to clarify, he won't move from here.

Firstly, THANK YOU for calling me great. I'm a sucker for that shit.

Much like you two, Zube Boy and I lived together, bought a house, and had the joint bank account thing going on all before we got married, and I always kind of thought, "Eh, what's the big freakin' deal about being married? It can't be all that different." And in some ways it wasn't. I mean, I knew that he likes to eat ice cream in the bathtub and leave his dirty ice cream dish next to his dirty towel, and he was well aware of my peculiar and annoying habit of leaving my bras on any and all surfaces within the vicinity of the television and the computer.

However, in other bigger ways, it was different. One of the biggest things on my mind was giving up the notion of every living in Jersey again. It is good that you are weighing the compromises you’ll face now, while things are surely tangled, but do not require months in family court to disband.

First off, let me say that if you love Mr. Confused and are happy sharing your life with him, house and bed and finances and all that shit, you've got a wonderful thing going on. One I'd not be inclined to pass up.

I do wonder after reading your question, though, why he would not move from where the two of you are currently residing? Is it because of a great job or an undying love for the locale? Or is it because he would be remiss to move away from his family? And maybe this is just me, but if my beloved weren’t able to even consider making the same sacrifice I am willing to make for them, I’d eventually come to resent that.

One cool thing is that 400 miles isn’t SO, SO bad. Take that with a big ole grain of salt, because I’m 2000 miles away from my clan. A visit with them involves either 34 hours in a vehicle or hours tossing back adult beverages in various airports all over this great country. 400 miles is, what, about a seven hour drive? So, it’s not too, too bad.

I hope that doesn't sound patronizing. I have a friend, or used to, from New Zealand. I eventually refused to discuss our respective families with her because it always ended with her saying, "At least YOUR family doesn't live halfway around the world like MINE does." I don't mean to dismiss you like that. Any distance is tough if you genuinely enjoy the company of your family.

I think I'd encourage you only to think about the reasoning behind his 'no moving' stance. And, if you can live with whatever that reason may be, then fucking rock on!

I'll leave you with a bit 'o knowledge I've gleened from living far away for six years. If I lived back in Jersey again, I have a feeling that I'd just, well, get used to everyone being around, you know? The way things are now, when I go home for a visit, it's a BIG FUCKING DEAL, and cousins and aunts and uncles and all the rest have an excuse to get together and enjoy one another's company. I think it was Hoot who once told me she loves it when I come home because EVERYFUCKINGBODY crawls out of the woodwork and she gets to reconnect with them, too.

If I lived there, I'm sure I'd eventually slip into the woodwork just like everyone else. Doesn't mean I don't wish I could be on Hoot and Bro's pool league team, but it helps a little.

Good luck!

16 Leg Humps:

Chickie said...

If you really have found "the one" you shouldn't let a little relocation keep you apart!

I miss being near my family too but Zube Girl's right, when I go home now it's a big ol' party!

Storm said...

hmm.. Well, I only live about 250 miles away from my family, and odn't feel like I get to spend enough time with them. I used to live about 400 miles away. I don't ever want to live that far away again. Seriously, if my mom moved to the other side of the world, well, I'm afraid I might just have to move right along with her.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but anybody who has ever read my blog knows that things aren't all peaches and cream all the time. I don't know how it would be if I felt like we were soul mates.

Personally, I think that when two people are involved with each other, compromises must be made. It is up to each couple to decide where and how to compromise. Zube girl has it right though, I think I'd come to resent any one who wasn't willing to make the same sacrifises for me that I make for them.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

This may be a bit of a wet blanket, but if she's bought a house with a joint checking accoutn, it might be a little late to reconsider without a big mess. Aren't I a party pooper? :)

And I love the beginnings of a new column here: ASK ZUBE. It'll be the next big thing!

Zube Girl said...

Chickie- Don't you LOVE that when you go home?! I feel like a big ole bundle of celebration.

Storm- See, you're the same as me.

Bonanza- I'd thought about that, but I guess maybe I'm thinking it could be amicable, you know? I don't know who I'm talking about, but it is possible.

And ASK ZUBE would just be fucking scary. Heh. I like to pretend this big thing on my neck ins't just a hat rack, but I think if I were giving out tons of advice, it might just grow and grow and grow until it was too big for hats.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I'll come up with a DOOZY under an assumed name to get you rolling... :)

Zube Girl said...

B- Oh shit. What have I gotten myself into?! What say we don't see who can come up with the most bizarre question for the next edition of ASK ZUBE?


This will surely lead to my demise. I owe it all to you Bonanza!

Amy said...

I kinda agree with Bonanza, Zube. You gave some really sound advice there. I agree with you 100%

Phil said...

I'm still laughing at the "Oh Great Zube girl" bit. The vision of Zubegirl waving her arms & speaking into a microphone "Never mind that girl behind the curtain! I am the great and powerfull Zube!" just had me rolling. :)

But seriously, good advice. I think. I dunno. Never been remotely close to that situation, so what the heck do I know?


mothergoosemouse said...

I'm on board with Ms. Jellybean as well.

And I have to interject that while Kyle and I both enjoy our families immensely, neither one of us wants to live anywhere near them. But that in itself is a commonality that your commenter and her beau don't necessarily share.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I'm still working on my question... it's coming. :)

LaLa Lisa said...

Move over Dear Abby...There's a new gal in town! :) Just don't turn into Miss Manners.

Fabulous advice my dear!

kyknoord said...

Congrats, ZG. You've become a local deity. And one that answers prayers, too.

zazzafooky said...

No kidding, Dear Abby's got nothing on you! :-)

I made the same sacrifice and I secretly hold on to bitter resentment like a dear friend.

I hate LA.

Phil said...

BTW, Zube, since I'm in a rather evil mood this morning, you've been tagged ;)


Anonymous said...

Hello! This is anonymous.

What you said is so TRUE:"if my beloved weren’t able to even consider making the same sacrifice I am willing to make for them, I’d eventually come to resent that." I know this works both ways and that is the hardest part of all.

Zubemaster of aweseomeness, I sincerely appreciate your advice, though I'm sorry to say that this situation came to a head before I was able to read your words.

Turns out Mr. Confused loves me more than I'll probably ever understand. He decided to move with me so that I can finally be near my family.
(They kick ass all around the house. Five times.)

I do have my fears that he may hate it there, that he may build resentment for me, that it may not be constant sunshine and sugar cubes. But, I came to realize that this is something I have to do... with or without him.

When you said it is such a celebration in those times that you do go back to see family, I agree. It is a wonderful, crazy time that you treasure ever second of. But I crave the lazy sunday lunch with mom. An unrushed girl gibberjabber time. I crave to be in on Bro's bad movie night. This, THIS would make me happy.

The annual Christmas get-together and hour long phone calls aint' cuttin' it no mo'!

I am so glad he will be there with me. The only thing I can hope is that he's made the right decision for himself. This whole situation is something I will have to take day by day with (get ready for it...the most tired phrase of em' all....) open communication.

Thank you so much for being the coolest. Thank you for taking the time to share your views with me and the roaring sea of zubephiles!

---Ms. Not so confused anymore.

Zube Girl said...

Amy- Thanks!

Phil- Heh. That imagery had me giggling, too.

Mother Goosemouse- See, I did feel the same as you when I moved out here six years ago, so I'm sure if I were to move back home I'd probably feel much the same.

Bonanza- Take your time dahling!

Lala Lisa- I don't think you've got anything to worry about me turning into Miss Manners! I'm just thinking that probably wouldn't happen.

Kyknoord- So, you know, if I can answer prayers why not my own? I'd really like to be rich.

TJ- See, that's why I think it's a good thing that NEITHER of our families live here. I just wouldn't be able to stand it if one of us had family around and the other did not.

Phil- You fiend!!! Thanks for the heads up!

Not So Confused- I wish you all the BEST! I hope that you are both happy with the new situation, and I'm sorry that I didn't respond sooner. My brain is acting like a two year old and not doing or writing what I want it to. :-)


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