Thursday, October 06, 2005

Sometimes I Talk to Myself...Just Not Out Loud...

No dude. Come on. Don’t Google him. It always bums you out.

Yeah, I know. But it’s like I…I don’t know…

Why do that to yourself?

Well, I kind of want to make sure he’s not successful.

You checked a couple of years ago, and he wasn’t. Can’t we just keep on thinking that?

But, it’s a little bit like a power trip, too. You know? I can look him up and see what he’s up to anytime I want, and he probably doesn’t even remember my name.

Fine. Go ahead.

Okay…Here goes…

Huh. Same shit. The band’s still not together.

Wait a minute. What’s this?

Woah. He changed his name and joined a new band.


Well, they haven’t done anything in a year and a half.

Yeah, but still. Hmm…New search.


What have we here?

Their website hasn’t been updated in a while.

Yeah. Hey, check this out.

Dumb bitch.

I can’t believe she’s bragging on a message board that she made out with him. Like he’s some kind of big star or something.

Wouldn’t it be funny if we responded.


“Like, oh my god, you made out with him, but he raped me. Does that make me more special? *winks*”



That wouldn’t be funny at all.

I know.

Besides, she doesn’t know.

You’re right.

Can we stop this now?

Yeah. I’m kind of upset. I just hate seeing his picture.

I told you.

It’s like I can’t help it though.

You’ve been thinking about this shit kind of a lot lately. You okay?

I don’t know. It’s just been on my mind.

It might be getting’ around that time again.


You knew last time when you left counseling that you’d probably end up going back after a few years.



Katie Holmes is fucking pregnant.



“Blah Blah Management, this is Zube Girl…”

16 Leg Humps:

Anduin said...

Geez, that really sucks. I would do the same thing too though. You just hope he's a miserable bastard that will take his own life some day. Did anything happen to him after it happened? Just curious.

PaintingChef said...


So cheesy, I know.

And she's PREGNANT! Can you BELIEVE that shit? I almost DIES when I read that.

Storm said...


I hope he's utterly miserable.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I am WAY creeped out about the Katie Holmes thing... I bet David Crosby's the dad there, too, because I have my doubts abut Tom.

And about Googling, we all do it with people from our past. It's OK. And we all feel crummy afterwards... I can't imagine not checking on something like that- it means you have a heart.

Kjersten said...

I had never thought about that before. I just tried googling and didn't get any results... and I'm so extremely glad and relieved... and especially surprised that I remembered his name after blocking it out for all these years... actually, I don't think I have ever spoken or written his name. I don't like thinking that he's real.

I'm very sorry that it works for you, he should be erased from the internet. You shouldn't be able to access information about him so easily, I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Maybe you could go in for a couple quicky counseling sessions. I always feel better after talking to somebody about it... especially somebody that understands.

Zube Girl said...

Anduin- I didn't go to the police or anything like that because I was young and kind of stupid. I didn't want to believe for a while that he'd really raped me. After a while, though, I did write "RAPIST" on his cd's with lipstick whenever I saw them in music stores.

PaintingChef- Thanks for the hugs! FOR REAL! I don't even care about celebrities, but for some reason this just grossed me out.

Storm- Thank you. Me, too.

Bonanza- I'm glad I'm not the only one who looks for information they really don't care to find. I just can't resist. And I really appreciate your comment about me having a heart. Seriously. Thanks for saying that.

Kjersten- You are ABSOLUTELY right! I wish I couldn't find him at all, almost. However, I did write an anonymous letter years ago in counseling and I mailed it to a friend in another state who mailed it to him (so he couldn't figure out who it was from). The letter went to his band's fan mail address. I still get a good snort out of imagining the look on his face when he opened it up.

Phil said...

I truly don't know what to say that hasn't already been said by others. So, I'll just offer a {{hug}}

zazzafooky said...

We all do it, you're not wierd in any way and we all hope for said bastards misery and disconent, at minimum - perhaps one fine day you'll Google the bastard and find he was #3 in a triple homicide, but brutally tortured first.. but to the world he's John Doe, but you'll know.....

I need to stop now! You have an amazing sense of humor, I admire you for it.

LaLa Lisa said...

I was too young to remember the name of the man...he was some family "friend". I guess on the one hand, I'm glad that I don't have the option of finding out info about him. If I were to find out that he had a wife or kids, I would just torture myself wondering if they were safe or being put through this emotional warefare.

You're such a brave woman and the humor and strong spirit that you possess are inspirational. Thanks for sharing and providing a place where the rest of us feel safe to do so too.

Courtney said...

You're amazing, Zube. Just keep on keeping on...

txsm said...

You're not the only one...I've done the same thing. I thought I saw him one day at one of my baby brother's hockey games, and totally freaked! I broke out in a complete panic and ran to the girls restroom and wouldn't come out until my bro's game was over, then the nightmares started again. So, I googled him and then some, found out it wasn't him, but he is married w/ he does the same to his wife as he did me.....feel sorry for her and the kids.....
Love you Zube...Survivors Rock!

Zube Girl said...

Phil- Thank you for the hug. :-) Don't ever underestimate the power of those things!

TJ- Ooh, I can only hope. Sometimes I worry that my sense of humor is a bit too perverse, but hell, it gets me through the day, right?

Lala Lisa- Wow. For you to say that I've given a safe place for others to share...that's just more than I EVER could have hoped for. Thank you so much for sharing and all of the compliments you've given me...right back atchya. Here's to us all feeling a little less alone, eh? :-)

Courtney- As always! :-) It's the Zube way. Thanks.

TXSM- I SO know the feeling. For a few years I would fly into a panic attack every time I saw someone who looked even remotely like him. Thankfully, he's unusual looking. And yes, we totally rock!

mothergoosemouse said...

Dude. It's so hard to resist that masochistic urge.

And I'm sad for Katie's baby - whomever the father might be.

Amy said...

Hey Zube! You are the best - and it's awesome that you share all of this with people, I know it has to help others who have been through similar experiences.

It's so great to have you back.

Katie Holmes... ick. Double ick... triple ick. Just read an article on it over at - Christian Scientists recommend a "silent birth" - idiots.

LaLa Lisa said...

Zube- I'll drink to that! :) You really have somehow created a safe zone. I haven't touched this issue on my blog. Not sure why....maybe because it just sort of feels like opening Pandora's box. But how you're coping with it is very inspiring. I just love it when you encounter a Kick Ass Chick. :)

Anonymous said...

Okay, just starting to type this is bringing tears to my eyes...we're exactly alike in a million ways (but my red hair is natural)...I don't know where to start, and honestly I'm at work so I probably shouldn't start listing the eery similarities in our experiences, I just couldn't do it now, maybe because once I start to share then it all becomes real and comes back so hard and so fast...okay, regaining composure...
I've read so many of your posts this morning (I just found you~!) but now after seeing you google him too....Probably once a month I just get this crazy idea that I HAVE to find him, I HAVE to know what he's doing, where is he......It's like an uncontrollable compulsion.....I've been exactly in the same place...I still am...don't know how to stop it...
thank you...for telling me i'm not alone...


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