The ski resort opened yesterday. Only, I couldn’t care less, and opening day of the ski resort marks the beginning of me being inundated with incredulous looks and disbelieving queries of, “What do you MEAN you live at a ski resort, but don’t ski or snowboard?!?!”
Since inquiring minds seem to want to know why I’m not a ski bunny, I’ve composed a list. Sort of a top ten, if you will, of the reasons why I do not hit the slopes.
10. Did I just say that I don't hit the slopes? That's a fallacy. I do hit the slopes. Most often with my ass or my face. Matter of fact, I seem to hit the slopes with anything BUT my snowboard. I don’t need to be hitting shit, unless, well, I’m married to it.
9. Now that I’m an adult I don't like doing things I suck at. I’m thirty and I rule at everything I do. Fuck the things I don’t do. Somebody else can rule those.
8. I look SO much cuter in my gear sitting at the bar sipping on gin and juice than I do face down in the snow. And you know what's weird? Even if I end up face down, I always seem to manage to have copious amounts of snow up my butt crack. I think it's the pre-faceplant rolls that cause this, though I can't be bothered to figure it out for certain.
7. Unless we're talking about shoes, I don't do well with activities that put something in between my feet and the ground and make me move faster than a snail's pace. Actually, even shoes are arguable. Well, I used to roller skate when I was like sixteen. But really, that was more of a cover to sneak out with boys Mom and Dad didn't like and drink Schlitz, so that doesn't count.
6. Zube Boy tried to teach me when we first started dating and he was so fucking SWEET and PATIENT. It was cool. Five years of being together has made the sweetness and patience fade. There are plenty of naturally occuring incidents that make him say, "Jesus H, honey! Quit yer freakin' whining!" I don't need to create more.
5. All of my friends are AWESOME skiers and snowboarders. This means that when I go with them, they usually lap me about three times before I make it bruised and battered to the bottom of the run. Or worse, they insist on keeping me company and end up doing circles around me and sighing a lot.
4. Tourists. They're every-fucking-where during the winter, but their primary hangout is at the ski area. I deal with them ALL. DAY. AT. WORK. Even I need a break from insanity once in a while.
3. Hot chocolate is JUST as yummy after a day of lounging in my warm and cozy house as it is after a day of riding. I'm sure of it. And, unless you forgot to put on your slippers over your socks and fall flat on your ass playing with the dog on the hardwood floors, you're not nearly as sore. Fucking hardwood floors.
2. It's so much easier to pee when all you have to pull down are your flannel pajama bottoms. Who wants to pull down wet undies, wet long underwear, more wet long underwear, wet sweatpants, and freezer burnt snow pants to pee, only to have to pull the wet undies, wet long underwear, more wet long underwear, wet sweatpants, and freezer burnt snow pants back up? Not me.
And the number one reason why I don't ski or ride...
1. I'm hot AND sexy. Hot and sexy people shouldn't fuck it up by making asses out of themselves. Did I also mention that I'm DRIPPING with sarcasm. No? Well, I am, lest you all think I'm a conceited twit.
Pssst...Make sure you check out the entry below. It's fucking important. Seriously.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
And So It Begins...
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15 Leg Humps:
I used to love skiing! We started going skiing when I was in high school with our church youth group. We went 2 years in a row until my best friend and I ruined it for everyone by getting drunk with a bunch of A&M guys that were staying next door....they've never taking a group since...but boy where those boys hot!!!!
Madbull- Heh. I bet you do.
TXSM- I once attended twelve weeks of cadechism in high school just so I could go on a ski trip. It's crazy what we'll do to hang out with boys at a young age.
But then, the boys on the trip saw me ski into a fence. Needless to say, I didn't get any play that week.
Do copious amounts of snow up your butt cause chapped ass?! And pre-faceplant rolls, well, wouldn't spy rolls come in handy here?
Anyway, I have never once in my life been on skis, nor do I have any desire to. For one thing, I HATE snow. That's why I moved to FL.
You're like me. I live in FL but I rarely drink orange juice and I never go to Disneyworld. When the Branch and Blossom are old enough, hopefully some of their friends will go to Disneyworld and we can just foot the bill.
It's, wait let me check, yeah 82F and I just got back from the beach. It was nice and sunny. Worked a little bit on my tan. Did I mention, it's nicely sunny. Lotsa nice asses there too.
Now that the Hurricane season is over for this year, I couldn't care less of you guys. As far as I am concerned you can freeze your ass off! Plus, I hate The Avalanche! What kind of professional sports team has a name that's not plural? That's retarted!
Although, I might stop by doing some skiing there, but then I will expect some VIP treatment and hot cocoa!
I'll get back to you regarding to donations, when next hurricane season kicks in. As it may be, I could be also the next time I get some you-know-what!
Tell snowman I said hi! Suckers! ... on a serious note; I'm bored, I need to find some college girls to do my "chores". Did I take all the space already? b'bye!
I fell flat on my face (after the pre-requisite rolling, of course) in the snow on my vacation. It was, like, the only piece of snow in a 50 mile radius. And I wasn't skiing. Only been skiing 3-4 times in my life. Kinda liked it, but haven't really had a huge desire in the 15 or so years since my last trip. Mostly because I don't really want to have a bunch of ski bunnies see my fat ass in a ski outfit, especially since fat asses tend to roll down hill rather quickly.
Phil
http://nomadechoes.blogdrive.com
I so agree with point 9. My favorite thing about being a grown up is doing (or not doing) what I want to. When the boys ask why I get to have soda a cold pizza for breakfast and they don't I explain it's a perk of home ownership.
Junebee- You know, I'm sure that skiing is probably pretty cool. If you like it and are good at it. But, I have no desire to do it. Hee. And that's funny about Disney World.
Rockyjay- I am fucking JEALOUS! Please curl your toes in the sand for me, would ya? Oh, and if you ever want to ski, HELLO, I work at a hotel.
Phil- You're killing me. Hahahahaha!
Chickie- That's infallible logic right there. The boys just can't argue with it.
Damn I would give anything to live there in the winter.
I'm envious....I could snowboard all day every day for the rest of my life or until arthritis sets in.
This is like the second advice blog someone has started recently hope you are better than the last guy who asked me to give him a word press blog, which I did and then asks for questions and when I sent him one which was related to sex he didn't answer it. I prefer them not so politically correct.
Luck with it all and enjoy the tourists.
I agree whole-heartedly with you about the skiing. Though, I would include on the list that the very word "skiing," with more than one i in a row, looks as ridiculous as I would on a slope. My rule is that if I were to fall (which I do sometimes) and I could hurt myself pretty severely, then I will not do it. I consider sex dangerous sometimes. Skiing doesn't involve orgasms, so there is NO CHANCE of risking bodily injury for something without much of a payoff.
Cheap thrills! No altitude! Rules I live by!
Wow. I have to say I'm thrilled to have found your blog. You seem to be sane (eg: no skiing or snowboarding) and very funny.
I'll keep checking back to make sure I'm not mistaken.
LMAO, Sunny. Zubegirl sane?!?! Whatever gave you that impression? ;)
Phil
http://nomadechoes.blogdrive.com
Alice- Well, Breckenridge is some good skiing, from what I hear, particularly if you enjoy it! :-)
And, not to be cocky, but I'm SURE the advice blog will be funny. Anything is game, sex questions and all. And PaintingChef and Bonanza Jellybean are HILARIOUS and curse a lot. Heh. Thanks for visiting. :-)
Librarian- That's RIGHT! What the hell kind of sport is spelled with two i's together? I don't trust it.
Dutch Oven- Yes with the wet undies. I HATE that! And I'm hoping your frame of reference is from wet swim trunks. ;-) I feel a little better now having been advised by another hot and sexy person. It IS okay to make an ass of yourself sometimes. :-)
Sunny- Thanks! I'm perhaps teetering on the edge of insane, but I'm smart enough to fake sanity. :-) Thanks for stopping by.
Phil- It takes one to know one! Ahem, where's my coffee because that was the stupidest comeback ever! ;-)
I asked Dutch Oven this morning if I was hot and sexy afetr he told me he commented abou tit, and he said "no."
So I kicked him hard in the shin, and he took it back and said I was the hottest and the sexiest.
Just wantde to let you know how healthy you help us keep our marriage! :)
Bonanza- Kicking them in the shins almost always works. If that doesn't, well, you kick them somewhere else. Which is why the shin usually does the job.
AAHHHH! Zube, you really are a bitch! Living there and no skiing? I was out in Denver several years ago for work and drove up to Breckenridge to ski over the weekend. It was honestly the best skiing I've ever done.
So if I come out there, you wanna babysit while I ski? ha ha, after a day with my kids you'll be begging to ski so you can get away!
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