Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Did You Know That Idiots Ski, Too?

I work at a ski lodge. I LOVE my job, I really, really do. And though I might be known to utter the word 'gaper' under my breath while driving behind the yahoo whose navigating icy roads whilst videotaping the mountains, I'm, for the most part, nice to tourists. They pay my paycheck even in a roundabout way if they don't stay at my hotel and make my town a nice place to live with all of the tax money they bring in.

What's that? Oh, a gaper? What's a gaper you say? A gaper is a tourist round these parts. I don't know exactly where the moniker was derived from but it's rumored that they are called such because they gape at the mountains or at the locals skiing like maniacs. Something like that.

Despite my self-professed appreciation of tourists, they can be dumb as shit. Which I suppose a larger part of the population is, so I'm not too surprised. Here's what I mean...

The Scene: I'm at the front desk and Dizzy Broad is attempting to go to her room with her skis just after checking in.

Z-Girl: Um, excuse me. Ma'am. Hi. We have free ski lockers in the garage, let me get you a lock for one. Skis aren't supposed to be brought to your room.

Dizzy Broad: Well, that's stupid. I want them in my room.

Z-Girl: I'm sorry, you can't do that.

Dizzy Broad: Why?

Z-Girl: They scratch up the hallways and ruin the carpets.

Dizzy Broad: Well, I'll be careful.

Z-Girl: It's not really an option to be careful. See that sign right next to the elevator that says, "No skis allowed in units. Please see the front desk for a free ski locker." If you want to bring your skis to your room, EVERYONE will want to bring their skis to their room.

Dizzy Broad: *whining* But they'll get COOOOOOOOOOOLD.

Z-Girl: *actually rendered speechless*

I never said another word. The reason being, I was afraid if I parted my lips even in the slightest, "You fucking idiot, I hope you have really LONG extension cords to plug into your precious wussy skis to keep them warm while you ski tomorrow because the SNOW you are skiing on is going to make your skis COLD as SHIT!" would escape.

Yeah, she got an idiot pass. And, might I add, you're not supposed to keep skis at room temperature because then when you ski, the first few minutes kind of suck because snow collects on your skis. But, fuck her. I hope she had the equivalent of two supine mammoth snowmen on her fucking feet. HA!


The Scene: A mother is towing her three young children into the hotel lobby.

Frazzled Mom: Will you kids hurry up?! I have GOT to get out of this altitude.

That's right, the hotel is pressurized. We're technologically advanced like that.


The Scene: It's early fall with not much snow on the ground yet. I'm in the grocery store parking lot, and a very confused couple approaches me.

Mr. Confused: Excuse me, but do you live here?

Z-Girl: Yep.

Mrs. Confused: Well, we have a really stupid question.

Z-Girl: Fire away.

Mr. Confused: Okay, see that big spot of snow over there? We can't figure out why it's only snowed in one spot.

Z-Girl: *stifling her laughter* Well, that's man-made snow since we invariably don't get enough of the natural stuff in the beginning of the season. They make it on that one run because that's the first run we open up.

Mrs. Confused: Ohhhhhh. Another question. Was that the stupidest question anyone has ever asked you?

Z-Girl: Nope. And you prefaced it by saying it was probably stupid. That saved you.

Mr. Confused: Whew, thanks.

Z-Girl: No problem.


But you know, there's something to be said for the fact that I'm happier when I have something to bitch about. So thanks, I guess, to idiots everywhere.

33 Leg Humps:

t~ said...

hmm i can see myself coming up with stupid questions like that couple. that would be soo me. Thanks for cluing me in before i have to encounter it... lol there should be a catagory dedicated to that... stupid tourist questions.

Hoot said...

Oh do I remember some of those stupid questions when I lived there and the one about getting out of the altitude always makes me laugh. Thanks sis for amusing me this morning.

Tessa said...

The 'dizzy broad' story made me slap my forehead.

My lawyer will be contacting you for appropriate reparations for my injuries in due time.


Zube Girl said...

T~ Now you know! If you ever visit a ski resort in October, you won't have to ask. :-)

Hoot- Good morning Sis! Yeah. I can't remember if you got any doozies, but the questions are BY FAR dumber in the winter than in the summer, so you were a little lucky.

Tessa- See, blogging CAN be dangerous! And expensive. Heh.

txsm said...

That made my morning, and I was having a pretty crappy one...thanks Zube Girl for the laugh....big laugh!!!!!

PaintingChef said...

I'm happier bitching too. Because SERIOUSLY...when people aren't stupid in my vicinity, what the HELL would I say to the internet?

RockyJay said...

I checked your slopes and peaks 7 & 8 seem kinda worth "walking". Do you have heli-ski?

On another note; you ain't heard nothing yet. Wait when my entourage (Floridians) arrive(s??). I'm probably only one who can actually ski (and damn pretty well, if you ask me) and probably the only one with skis.

Then you have to totally re-write your TOP 10 idot questions, EVER list! Plus, we're gonna wreck the place. Do you have spacey hot tub and is there an escort service in town, or should we bring our own? Not me, my buddies that is.

Dutch Oven said...

I worked at one of the top 15 Subways in the world while in college. The best advice on our customers I ever got was from my manager:

"They're donkeys. Dumb as shit."

Wait in line for 5 minutes and get up to order only to realize that the big sign behind me actually had items of food that could be put between different breads with cheeses and meats. Holy Cold Cut Combo Batman, what should I order. I don't know Boy Blunder, let me check my utility belt.

Oh and don't ever eat the Cold Cut Combo (Trio). The juices from that packaging would actually clean my yellow fingernails (yellow from handling banana peppers and mustard). YIKES!!

Zube Girl said...

TXSM- No problem!

PaintingChef- For real. Because husbands only provide so much entertainment, sometimes we have to laugh at others.

Rocky Jay- Okay. I'm scared. It's official. ;-)

Dutch Oven- EW! Thanks for the warning! And yes. People are dumb as donkeys for the most part.

Phil said...

One of my teachers in HS had this fabulous idea that there should be a "stupid tax". Any time you witnessed someone doing/saying something utterly stupid, you should be able to demand $5 from them. Sounds like you could get enough to retire within, like, 5 years. :)

And wow, did my eyes deceive me or am I actually in the same comment block as the lovely Hoot? I'm almost speechless. Y'know, Zube, you still haven't given me her number. lol ;)


hoot said...

Well phil, zube is not the one you have to ask the number for, it's me.

lysie6211 said...

DO- I knew there was a reason I just didn't eat at Subway.

Yeah I hate stupid fucking tourists. I have them here in FL. You know the butt white northerners with their tube socks and shorts.

RockyJay is coming out to ski huh> hehehe, have fun Zube! Take pictures and start saving for the bail money!

Zube Girl said...

Phil- I would be FILTHY rich. Seriously. Then I'd invite you all to live with me and we could sit around bitching about people while drinking martinis. It would be awesome.

Hoot- Heh.

Lysie- Seriously. I'm scared. As if I don't get into enough trouble on my own.

junebee said...

Phil, I actually thought about instituting an Asshole Tax years ago. That was when I worked in a photo lab/gift shop while in college.

Well NOW I know if I am ever stupid enough to try skiing I know not to drag my skis into the hotel so the employees don't say, look at that dumbass from FL. She should use a locker for the skis.

The part about them getting cold was comical. It'd be like not wanting your suntan lotion to get warm in FL.

Amy said...

Ok, that was freaking hilarious! I'm impressed you were able to keep your cool with the twit and her "cold skis."

Phil said...

Well okay then, Hoot. So can I have your number? ;)

Zube Girl said...

Junebee- You will have been primed on how to be the best ski resort guest ever by the time this year is out!

Amy- It was not easy, but like I said, I love my job and go to great lengths to keep it!

Phil- What a bunch of hos I have on this blog 'o mine!

Phil said...

Zube, did you just call Hoot a ho? Shame on you. ;)

Crazy Lady said...

Living in Vegas, the mecca for many a dumb tourist, I can relate on the stupid questions people ask. "Is that the real Eifel tower?" WHAT!?!
At least I am not in the hospitality industry any longer. I may miss my awsome views at times, but when I am stuck in this windowless office I have one comforting thought. I am much harder to find - thus the stupid people are weeded out before the get to me!
Remember - when dealing with the dummies - deep cleansing breaths

Anduin said...

Comedian Bill Engvall does a thing about stupid people and how they should all wear signs so we know what to expect when we meet one. Here's your sign.


RockyJay said...

I'm SO taking my skis inside my room. Old habits die hard. I sleep with my skies on bed, as they just might be the only hard thing on that bed...

lysie got one thing right; start saving money.

Al said...

Ha Ha, I'm near SF and all their tourists. It's hilarious eavesdropping on the dumbass comments sometimes.

I think my next job will be at Alcatraz, I'd lock up the dumbasses and sail away...well, hmmmm maybe not. I don't think there are enough cells!

mothergoosemouse said...

ZG, you are killing me. As usual.

I can (and will) write a post about the stupid fucking gapers in New York who act as if they've never before seen a building over three stories. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY - I'M LATE FOR WORK!

And speaking of work - how about working in a building where they conduct tours?

I feel your pain. But I had to laugh at it too.

Zube Girl said...

Phil- I'm allowed to. I'm related to her. ;-)

Crazy Lady- I am SO glad that I'm not a front desk agent anymore. I'm group sales, so I have a bit of a buffer between myself and the crazies!

Anduin- PaintingChef was talking about giving them hats with blinking lights on them. Heh. I've seen that comedian. Good stuff!

RockyJay- THAT is a new one. Thus far we've not had anyone who sleeps with their skis for luck!

Al- *snickers* It is ALWAYS fun to eavesdrop! No matter when!

Mother Goosemouse- I know, you've gott a love it. :-) I know I always felt like such a moron when I visited NYC. Okay, having tours in my building would get pretty old!

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Have you considered tacking a 10% aggravation fee onto their rate? Just wondering... You might add another 10% for stupidity and skim it just for having to deal with that!

zazzafooky said...

You are such a beligerent riot. Thank goodness 'cause you crack me up! :-)

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

Well, shit, if my neck of the woods is infested with morons, and YOUR neck of the woods is infested with morons, where on earth can we go to escape them? Can we all get together and create our own anti-moron society? I swear, I think it's because of our leader. What a lame ass role model he is. Oh, and thanks for the hearty laugh. Your morons are just as dumb as mine.

Zube Girl said...

Bonanza- Hmmm...I wonder if the boss would go for it???

TJ- Hey, nice to see ya checkin in from your trip. You've got one hell of a nice room now!

Librarian- Can I be police chief in Anti-Moronville? I just think people who aren't morons can handle their drugs, and not get into too much trouble, so my job would probably be cake.

kyknoord said...

It must be the bracing mountain air. You seem to have the best quality morons in the whole world.

Zube Girl said...

Kyknoord- I've got to agree with you on that point!

Nancy said...

That's hysterical. I can totally relate -- we have so many tourists here in DC. (our word for them is "tourons" -- combination of tourists and morons)

dena said...

I love the gaper word! I live in touristy beach town. We still just call them tourists, but I bet people here will love calling them gapers. I'll have to start dropping that word, and see how quickly it catches on. It would work soooooo well around here - espcially the way the male tourists gape at the girls on the boardwalk.

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