Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Shit and, uh, Other Nonsense

-Someone popped a squat in the stairwell at work and let loose their bowels. And I'm not talking about a dignified solid shit. I'm talking ass spray. All over the metal heater thing and the floor, covering about a square foot of area. People are fucking disgusting.

-Zack's runner (leash thingy that lets him prance about the yard semi-impeded but unattended) goes from our back porch around the back of the house. The snow has gotten so high that he's been refusing to ascend it. So. He's started doing his business right on the porch. Lazy ass dog. This morning I didn't bother putting him on the runner. If all of the neighbors dogs get to poop in our yard, he can poop in theirs.

-I've been talking to my uterus lately. I think she's scared. I get my most soothing voice going, and say, "It's okay, honey. I know that when we had a visitor a long time ago it was a bad thing, but this time it's okay. You don't have to kick the visitors out, all right?" I hope this open communication works.

-Nope, I'm not knocked up. I'm just talking to my uterus, 'kay? I mean, what else am I supposed to do to make her feel better? Surprise her with a day at the spa for a massage and a mud bath? I think not. Heh. That would make for an interesting phone call, though.

-I think I'm going to try snowboarding again this year. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

-I have to go to court today as a witness in a custody battle. I'm REALLY fucking nervous. I've never done anything like this.

-Oh yeah, I had a dream last night that Zube Boy and I bought a digger (one of those yellow one-seater construction things that digs holes) from some crazy dentist guy. Anyway, I got dropped off to pick it up and, well, I don't really know how to drive stick so I was having a little trouble, and the crazy dentist guy was chasing me with a needle. I was running late for court because I couldn't get the damn thing to move. The chase was pretty funny, like that scene in Seinfeld where George is being chased by all the old people on the mobile chair things? I was all lurching in my digger and the dentist was all old running real slow after me with the needle drawn. Heh.

Anyway, after I finished telling Zube Boy about my dream he said, "Huh, that's weird. I had a dream we had a digger, too, and I was driving it around the ski area." HOW FUCKING CUTE IS THAT?! We both dreamt we got a digger. Awww.

15 Leg Humps:

lysie6211 said...

That shit thing is just nasty. WTF?!

Aww you both dreamed of a digger...how...romantic. LOL

Storm said...

eeewwwww, I hate people. gross. The spray suggests emergency, but damn! Why just leave it there?? fucker.

good luck in the custody battle, I hope it gets resolved as it should.

good luck snowboarding too. masochist.

that's really odd, the two of you dreaming about diggers together. you're like, all connected and stuff. It's so sweet.

Vic said...

Shit in the hallway! Oh my! That's just awful!

Keep talking honey. It took several miscarraiges, some drugs and about 3 years, but now I have two precious girls to yell at in the morning that if they don't "hurry up we'll be late for school AGAIN!"

Diggers? Well, I just don't know about that one.

Phil said...

My very first job was at a service station, and included having to clean the bathrooms. You wanna talk disgusting?

And don't be calling Zack lazy! You know damn good and well that if you had to climb a snowhill to get to your bathroom, you'd be doing your business on the porch instead, too. lol

Good luck on the snowboarding attempt. And in court. Both can be equally fun & intimidating.

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

wallofdenial said...

I have no comment on the shit as I dont think I can add anything to that, at least I hope not.

But the dream sounds like you your dentist is a money digger

Chickie said...

Shit spray in public = fucking "ew".

How odd that you'd dream about the same kind of construction equipment on the same night.

I'm sure the soothing talk will help your uterus relax and get ready for company.

Crazy Lady said...

Shit spray, huh? That is just nasty.

here is a uterus cheer for you (because I am just in a cheerin' mood - ok!)
You can do it, yes you can! Goooooooo Uterus! *insert some cheerleader type kicks and claps here*

junebee said...

Aww, isn't that sweet, matching dreams. Is a digger like a Ditch Witch or is it more like a back ho'? (Sorry, couldn't resist). One big shovel or lots of little ones on a chain?

Someone crapped in the stairwell in a HOTEL? For cryin' in a bucket. That would make a great "caught on tape" episode.

We're all hoping for your uterus to put out the "Welcome" mat! I heard that people who get involved with Big Brothers/Big Sisters or adoption suddenly get pregnant when they've been trying for years. Wierd.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

You know how icky it can feels when you're ummm, using the facilities and some water jumps up and splashes you? Can you imagine if it was ICE? Poor puppy- I think you might need to move here. :)

Amy said...

OK... what kind of people are staying there?!?!?!! Ewww ewww ick ick!!!!!

Poor Zack... what if he lifted his leg and the whole stream froze up instantly, adhering him to the ground, forcing him to become a really strange lawn ornament? What if?!!?!? How embarassing... no wonder he won't leave the porch.

I dreamt I kicked Mike in the nuts... on purpose. Now that I think of it, it's funny, but not so cute. ;o)

kyknoord said...

Sometimes your life is simply surreal.

justdawn said...

I wonder what the significance of the digger dream was?!?!?

That shit thing is just WRONG!!!

And if you uterus doesn't wanna cooperate with you, I have a gently used one that has successfully brought four minions into this world for me. I would gladly donate it to you;)

Happy Villain said...

The shit thing, man, I thought I've cleaned up some nasty stuff at the library... OMG, I hate people. I just got over a bout of some intestinal thing and I never engaged in shotgun anal spraying once! Jeeze!

I wonder what Freud would say about the diggers. Maybe Zube Boy was hinting that he wanted to buy one, dreamed about it, talked out loud in his dream and programmed the words and images into your sleeping brain. Or maybe it's all just a coincidence. :)

Rich | Championable said...

I wonder if your secret pooper was inspired by that recent episode of The Office.

BTW, there were several misfires in our child-producing career. Huge, huge drags, but not the end of the story.

Rock on.

Gary said...

Good luck on your court date. Remember....The truth, the whole truth, and nothin but the truth.

 

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