Friday, March 17, 2006

Fuck the Bright Side

That crazy ass sillhouette chick up there? The one I daydream about hanging out with over frothy adult beverages? I still wager that she makes a kick ass margarita. Well, I stared at her for a bit wondering if her girlie parts worked properly. After deciding that they did, I stabbed her repeatedly in the cooch with my little cursor arrow. It was cathartic. And she didn't even get mad at me because she's got my fucking back like that.

The weird thing about this whole Miscarriage Mess I'm experiencing these days is that some folks want to look at the bright side of it. And, well, I don't. Not yet. Forgive me if I can't seem to find solace in the fact that at least it's happening early or that now I know I can get pregnant. Well, actually, I have to laugh a little at my fertility. I guess Zube Boy CAN glance my way and I'm pregnant. Three times in seven months. It's just that the little buggers fall out. So, laughable maybe, because not much escapes my scathing humor. But, comforting? No. Not in the least.

This 'looking on the bright side of things' got me thinking about rape. When people say to me something to the effect of, "Well at least blah blah blah...It could be worse," it makes me want to say, "Would you say to a rape survivor, 'Well, at least you didn't get pregnant?' or, 'Well, at least you weren't kidnapped and raped repeatedly?' or, ad nauseum?" No. At least, you shouldn't say those things. Rape is fucking horrible no matter how you spin it. So is this miscarriage business.

I'm not saying that people don't say all the wrong things to rape survivors. They do. I know. The moral of the story is this: People don't like to see other people sad and they try sometimes to look on the bright side of things in the hopes that the person hurting will feel better. Which, well, their intentions are good, but you know what they say about good intentions and the road to hell and all. What people don't seem to realize is that sad is just one step on the journey towards healing. And if that step is taken away, or if the journeying person skips it because they feel undeserving of sadness? The journey will be incomplete. And I've been there, done that. The journey CAN eventually be completed. It's just much tougher when you have to go back to square one years after you thought you were on the verge of HEALED.

I was talking to Hoot the other day and I was explaining this to her. She said, and I've never felt prouder, "One of the millions of things I've learned from you is never to judge someone's sad experiences. Whatever is their most sad thing at the time is their most sad thing at the time. Just let them be sad about it." Aw.

And it's true. I remember approximately ten Februarys ago, sitting in my dorm room contemplating whether I wanted a future of custody battles with a rapist or one without the child of a rapist in it. I heard a knock at my door, and yelled, "Come in!" It was a girl from down the hall that I knew fairly well, but not well enough to tell her what was on my mind at the time. She started tearfully explaining how she was caught in a Love Triangle and didn't know which guy to choose. At first, I wanted to be kind of pissed because I had bigger and badder things on my mind. And then I was like, "What the hell good would it do to get pissed and spout of something like, 'Oh yeah, you don't even KNOW what indecision is!' That'd only make her feel guilty and why should she have? She was crying and stressed, and, well, that IS a pretty big decision." I don't know. I guess you could say I learned an important lesson that day.

What I'm trying to say, more to myself than to anyone else, and in a rather disorganized fashion, if you ask me, is that THIS is my most sad thing right now. And I'm NOT going to think about how much worse it could be. I don't need to. Because it's bad enough and if I think about it in terms of me being lucky, that'll only serve the purpose of making me feel guilty for feeling bad. And I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I know better now.

I felt guilty for feeling bad ten years ago. I thought I should be over it. Recovered. I was lucky. I was alive. I was young. I was cute and in college and had my whole damn life ahead of me. So, I pretended I was all good. I rocked my combat boots and baby barrettes and laughed and smiled and played along. Only underneath, I wasn't all good. And pretending to be all good fueled by guilt only put off the REAL healing about five years or so. Too damn long.

So, with three miscarriages under my belt, I'm going to mourn that for as long as feels right. Until I say enough with the mourning; I'm done. Until I want to look on the bright side. Because I will. When I'm ready. And not a day sooner.

PS- You guys rock. That is all.

19 Leg Humps:

PaintingChef said...

Amen sister. Bitch, cry, moan, break shit, whatever it takes. People who say "Well, at least you could GET pregnant, that's something. Now you know that you can" make me madder than shit. So do people who tell you to move on and get over it. Get over it? Really? Fuck you. (Not YOU you, THEM you) Sometimes people need to spend some time in the rock bottom of their own personal hell and navigate the terrain before climbing the fuck out.

I love you to pieces sweetpea. And if you need to talk to just want someone to listen to you cry and grieve, please remember that I am ALWAYS here for you.

Phil said...

Zube, when I first started reading your blog regularly, it was because you're funny as shit. I love your humor. But I've grown to absolutely love the times you get all serious, too. I definitely don't like seeing my friends sad, but when you make posts like this you always wind up making me think (which is quite an accomplishment, I might add) and you convey a wisdom that far exceeds your years.

Take all the time you need, cry all the tears you want, scream, yell, curse, whatever. You're entitled to it. Just don't forget that you've got a lot of friends out here in cyberspace who will help you in any way they can--and there is no shame, and should be no guilt, leaning on a friend when you need it.

{{more hugs}}

Echoes in a Nomad's Head

RisibleGirl said...

I completely agree with you. If I sdidn't know it before Hospice, I know it now. There really DOESN'T need to be a bright side and I never try to make someone believe that there is a bright side to anything that brings on grief.

Sometimes there is a bright side to negative experiences (such is the case of my ex-husband's affairs that I posted about recently). But in the case of death (miscarriages included), rape, child abuse, (and many other things) I do not see where anyone could think there's a bright side.

Still thinking of you lots, Zube. You email me if you need to talk or something and I'd be happy to call you. I'm good with that sort of thing, I hear.


Baba said...

I know what you mean by having to feel sad because it's the only way to find the brighter side in the end. Like you I always find humour in everything, and thank god for my humour. The thing about humanity is that generally we're survivors and it's pretty damn amazing what we go through and sometimes I wonder how we don't all go crazy with the grief and pain we experience at times. But it's reassuring that at the end of the day we will smile and feel content with our lot. At least I hope so. I'm forever the optimist. Perhaps that'll be my downfall!!

Hang in chica!

Samantha said...

Chris and I have talked about your philosophy many times. When I was 18, my first boyfriend died in a car accident. It was the first and (so far) only time someone very close to me has died, and I still miss him. When Chris was 17, his girlfriend died in a car accident and he was convicted of her murder. He spent 5 years in prison for it before it was finally proven that he could not have possibly done it. (He was acctually convicted because one of the passengers in the car had a dream months later that he ran them off the road. The defense called it a repressed memory.)

The point is that I have never even thought about downplaying what he went through, and he has never downplayed what I went through. We both went through horrible and devistating losses, but even though his was clearly worse, that doesn't discredit the pain that I felt of losing a dear friend.

Anyway, this turned into a book. I just wanted to say that you are an amazing person, one that I would love to sit down in my pj's with and eat popcorn over a sad girly movie with all night long. You know that there are tons of people you can email or call, right? Well, I'm one of them too. You have become a regular name in my home, and I'm here for you, no matter what emotional stage you are going through.

Baba said...

Sorry... just to clarify that I don't mean there's a bright side to miscarriage, but what I meant is that we need to grieve in order for things to become more bearable and for life to go on. That's what I mean by a bright side. If there wasn't a 'bright side' we as humans wouldn't be able to live everytime something disastrous happened to us.

Hope that clarifies what I meant!

Rich | Championable said...

"This 'looking on the bright side of things' got me thinking about rape."

That was one hell of a line you wrote. Whoa.

Barbara said...

I agree, asking someone to look on the bright side of a tragic event is insensitive.

junebee said...

Everyone else said it so well. Really, I cannot add anything. I think of you alot and admire your honesty and skill in expressing your feelings.

Vic said...

Honey its yours. Remember that. No one else can tell you how to think or feel. You are an amazing woman. You've clarified things for me I can't even begin to explain. You will get through this, but ALLOW yourself all the emotions. Its sounds like you're doing the best thing for you.

Storm said...

When your child dies, you have the right to grieve. It doesn't matter if that child was 78, 32, 17, 5, an infant, a fetus, or still an embryo. It doesn't even matter if that child never existed in the physical world at all. You've built hopes and dreams around your child, and you have loved that child since before conception.

I want to say more, but probably shouldn't. I'm told that restraint can be a good thing. I will say this though. Anyone that would try to belittle your pain or try to make you feel undeserving of the right to grieve needs to focus on themselves and grow up.

Crazy Like A Fox said...

I think that it's important that you let yourself feel the pain that you experiencing right now. Having the experience is how we learn, not by glossing things over.

Take all the time you need to grieve and cry. We all care about you and will be praying for you.

Anduin said...

You've got some very good points here about people's "good intentions". Most of the time when you are hurting you can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel, nevertheless the "bright side". It's just shit you have to learn how to deal with in your own way. I'm sorry that you are sad and that you have to keep going through this. It sucks and there's no way around it.

I look up to you, I admire you for your strength and honesty with yourself and others. Sending hugs your way.

justdawn said...

Awwwww, honey. You are SO entitled to your pain...and I know first hand how insensitive people can be during a miscarraige. I just think that unless you have been there, done that a time or CAN'T know what that person is feeling.

And by the way, TOTALLY rock...and if you need us, we are ALL here for you!!!

Vulgar Wizard said...

I'm sorry, Zube, I really am. Sad or not, you don't give up on this! Keep trying (because THAT's the fun part, right?).

Khali said...

Way to go Zube! You do this on your own terms, because it's your sadness - amen to that. Reading about your miscarriages makes me think of all the people I know who have gone through this - repeatedly - and come out the other side - both of them with two beautiful children. I feel for you girl, hang in there!

Kim said...

This was excellently written, beautifully explained. Too many of us run around trying to make life soft and cushy, life is hard and messy and you are intended to get bruised and dirty along the way! I'm sorry for your loss, but happy you've gained such eloquent insight from it. This was a wonderful post.

Suburban Turmoil said...

Good for you. I've learned through experience that the best I can do when confronted with someone else's pain is give them a hug and say simply, "I'm so sorry." And mean it. And so I'm giving you a virtual hug right now and saying that to you.

This truly was a Perfect Post. Thanks for sharing.

MommaK said...

I think you are right on the money. Grief is a very personal thing. With so many advice giving sheep out there pushing their 12 step program of getting over it - whatever the hell it is - your method of feeling it until you feel better sounds solid, healthy and true. I wish you the best of luck, a heaping helping of happiness and a big fat margarita. Cheers to you and to tomorrow.

BTW- I read this post a few days ago and had it on the brain for my choice as "Perfect Post". Your pal Painting Chef beat me to it.


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