Sunday, March 19, 2006

The Regurgitating Uterus and Where the Wild Hairs Are

Zube Boy peers over my shoulder while I'm doing a bit of googlin'...

Z-Boy: Brown spotting?

Z-Girl: Yeah, honey. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on down there. That's ALL I've had is brown spotting, and not much at that.

Z-Boy: Would it make you feel better to know that sometimes I have brown spotting in my undies, too?

Z-Girl: Yes.

Z-Boy: Okay, then. I do.

Z-Girl: Ew. ffffff-ffffffff*

I'm still hanging out, waiting for the damn fat lady to sing her ass off already. I have to have my blood drawn again tomorrow, and I'm like GAH!!! ENOUGH WITH THE NEEDLES! Hate them. Loathe them. But, I'm really curious to know what my counts are because I still FEEL pregnant. Like, don't come within an inch of my titties or you'll lose your damn head. Which is making this whole escapade worse, in a way. I keep thinking about the fact that I was a twin, and Mom lost one of us, so maybe that's what's going on here? But, my numbers still shouldn't have dropped like they did. I don't think. This dragging on of events is keeping my hope on life support, and, well, I had a VERY strong opinion regarding the Terri Shaivo debacle. It's time to pull the damn plug already.

Z-Girl: It's OVER! Okay. OVER. Not gonna happen.

Hope: But, the last TWO TIMES your symptoms disappeared before everything went awry. This time they haven't.

Z-Girl: I know, but could you please SHUT UP already! PLEASE! Could it just be tomorrow? I need to know what the flip is going on with my uterus. If it's going to regurgitate, I'd like for it to get on with it already.

Hope: There's still hope.

Z-Girl: Shut up. For real. It's not that I don't like you, Hope, but things are dire. And you're making it difficult for me to accept that.

Hope: You can still hope.

Z-Girl: Meh.

Hope: Hope-ity, hope, hope?

Z-Girl: GOD you're annoying.

Hope: You, too.

Z-Girl: I know.

Regardless of all this inner turmoil, Zube Boy and I are sprouting wild hairs in the oddest of places. Our respective asses. There has been talk of running off to Mexico. Preferably the Yucatan. Not permanently. No, no, no. We're far too responsible for that. But for three or four weeks. Just to get away and do some version of the 'Nanny-Nanny Boo-Boo' dance on Project- Make a Baby. What could be more fun than getting jiggy on a beach without peeing on ovulation predictor sticks first?

I'd like to enjoy the gift of the time we've been given. Just the two of us. Shit. Is this a bright side? Am I going soft on ya'll? No. I'm trying to deal with this crap on my terms. You know? Suffice it to say that if any of YOU told me that maybe this was a blessing? I'd kick your ass. And I'm sure you'd expect nothing less. Because you're geniuses like that.

Anywho, I'm okay and I'm not okay. All at the same damn time. It's like duplicitous is my middle name these days. One minute, I'll want to crawl in a hole and die, and the next I'll be thinking, "Why don't you just crawl up your uterus? That seems to do the trick." And I'll laugh. The laughter of a very sick individual. Which is comforting. Because at least it means I'm still in here, among all this chaos. Being a big old bitch. As usual. Heh.


*That's how sound when I'm trying to be annoyed, but laughing despite myself.

17 Leg Humps:

Phil said...

"It's like duplicitous is my middle name these days."

I've kinda wondered what your middle was, just out of curiosity. And it's kinda neat to see that I wasn't really that far off with my suspicion of "Schizophrenic". ;)

Hope can be a real pestery bitch at times, can't she? And it's not like you can really kick the living shit out of her or anything either. I know . . . I've tried. And y'know what happens? Little Hope Jr. shows up nagging about how Hope Sr. will probably be back, even if I'm pissed at her, because deep down I really do want her back, and the thought of her leaving me forever is pretty frackin' scary. It's a totally co-dependant relationship.

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

Chickie said...

It's neat to see that Zube Boy will stop at nothing to be supportive :)

junebee said...

Yucatan sounds excellent. You and Zubeboy definitely should go. (Just as all the skiiers get to CO for spring break~ Hee hee!)

Spookie the Warrior said...

Mexico sounds like just the thing you BOTH need. Yip, definitely sounds like a good thing to do. And sprouting hairs on your ass, and laughing despite yourself proves that you need to get the hell outa there and kick it on the beach!!!

SO said...

I'm afraid to say that this is all your own doing. You asked us to send you our hope not so long ago, and we all did...lots of it, and now you're getting annoyed with it?!! I'm afraid its non-returnable hope too, so you're just gonna have to learn to deal with it... I know that it will come good for you in the end. Sending you even more, extra annoying British hope. xxx

justdawn said...

I am sending some more of that extra annoying hope from Germany, too:)

I have had the same nagging thought about you being a twin in the back of my mind, too...

And Bonanza Jellybean's similar experience with mysteriously dropping numbers...

So *I* am still holding ou hope for Stinky. And you:)

Gary said...

Zube, you know we're all in your corner.

Hope said...

There is still hope! I'm crossing my fingers for you.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

OK, no more hope on the phone (I did use my "not for getting hopeful or anything" disclaimer... Oh, fuck it. Have hope. If it all goes wrong, you're not going to hurt worse because you hoped, so have at it for now. Because... I'm still thinking you might be OK. I'm probably stupid, but whatever.

Hope! Hope! Hope! Hope! Hope! Hope!

Aren't I annoying? :)

txsm said...

I am so sorry for not checking on you sooner.......I've got alot of catching up to do! Keep that chin up......waiting to hear one way or the other......still love you Zube!

Barbara said...

When I was pregnant my pregnancy test at the doctor's came up negative, but I just knew I was pregnant, and I was. It was just a little too early to tell from the tests.

Another possibility - your body is very ripe for pregnancy after a miscarriage, is it possible you are newly pregnant?

PaintingChef said...

That's an unprecendented Bonanza display of optimism. You should save this shit.

Love you. Hugs. All good and comforting things. And maybe you and ZB should take a little vacay. Just get the fuck out of town.

Psychobabble said...

eek....I don't want to give you false hope. ~checks her box of hope~ I don't think this is false hope....I think it's good hope...let's give it a shot anyway, mmkay?
Oh and have fun on your vacation!!

Amy said...

Bonanza is right. Absolutely right.

And... I say FUCK IT... get the hell out of dodge and go enjoy yourself. Forget about ALL of it, the needles, the pokey exams, the absolute bullshit. Take a well-deserved vacation, dammit.

Go relax... who knows, maybe the future Zube Jr. wants some warmer temperatures, tropical sunsets, and parents who are gettin' jiggy with it just for the sake of boinking their brains out and NOT for the sake of reproduction.

In short, go spread your Zube-ness about the planet.

Black Eyed Gurl said...

Hope is a thing with wings, so why can't we have an open seaason on it and blow it out of the sky every once in a while?

I've been a neglectful reader, and I am sorry to hear (read?) about what's going on. I'm not going to be hopeful, or sunshiney days are ahead, instead I will say this: revel in your sadness because only through it can you ever understand joy.

Mexico sounds nice...

Storm said...

I wanna go to Mexico! Hey, maybe you'll have a layover in Albuquerque and you can sneak me in you luggage. I promise I'll leave you and ZB alone once we get there, lol.

OK, so things may be just hunky-dory. Like, third time's a charm? Keep hoping, don't give up. I know what you and I and all the rest of us said about your grieving process, but maybe you should hold off for just a bit yet. All that positive energy we've been sending your way may be an extra boost! I, um, hope so, anyway. {{{{hugs!}}}}

courtney said...

Mexico sounds like a great plan. And that's all I'm going to say so I don't have to fear the Zube-wrath. :) Wrath of Zube. Or whatever you want to call it!

 

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