Wednesday, November 30, 2005

And Then There Was One...

I had a very bizarre conversation with my Mom when I was about 13. There were four of us kids at the time. Mom and Dad had decided that four was enough, and I was determined to change their minds. I taught my sisters to chant, "Have another baby, have another baby..." and pleaded with my Mom to give the babymaking thing another go.

I was primarily ignored, I'd imagine for only a week or so, because I know my tolerance for that shit would be pretty low. One day in the kitchen Mom kind of lost it with my baby brother/sister wanting ass.

Mom: We are NOT having another baby!

Z-Girl: Why not! You have to.

Mom: I do NOT have to, and besides, we can't. Remember when Dad came home and said he hurt himself playing softball? Well, he didn't. He had a vasectomy.

Having the possibility dashed instantly brought tears to my eyes, and the yelling ceased. Plus, I'm sure I was a little embarrassed because while I wanted another sibling, I didn't want to think about the body parts and activities that CREATED those siblings. I was 13 for chrissakes!

Mom: What is it with you wanting us to have another kid? There are four of you already, and that's plenty.

Z-Girl: But there's somebody missing, and I don't know who it is.

Mom's face instantly fell and her waterworks turned on, too (gee, it's like we're related or something).

Mom: I can't believe you just said that.

Tearfully she went on to explain that I was a twin, and she'd miscarried the other at three months.

Thereafter I gave up on having another sibling, but seriously, wasn't that a weird ass thing for a thirteen year old to say? I can remember being SO sure that someone else was meant to be in our family and if I didn't rally the troops, they weren't going to make it.

And, what the hell 13-year-old wants another kid brother or sister to pester the hell out of them when they've already got three? Did I just like being an older sister, or is there some truth to that wacko in-utero memory crap? I don't know. I do remember disconcerting Mom with it quite a bit, and I felt pretty shitty about that because I've always hated making people cry.

It wasn't really brought up again until recently when Mom and I've commiserated, what with me having two miscarriages now. Though, each time it's happened to me, we have this teeny tiny hope that maybe there's something still there because that's how I came about. The doctors told her she'd lost her baby and sent her home. A month later, they were like, "Uh, you're still pregnant." She said it was difficult being so sad and so happy at the same time. But, I guess I'd take the combination over just sad anyday.

22 Leg Humps:

Chris & Cheryl said...

Wow, that's pretty cool, that you KNEW there should have been someone else and that you missed them. I used to ask my mom when I was little if I had a twin because I always felt like I had a sister and that she should have been there. It's sad too though.

PaintingChef said...

It is kind of a whole new level of sad that just when you think you're moving on, it smacks you in the head all over again, huh?

Hugs my dear.

Anonymous said...

Wow Zube....we DO have alot in common.....I too was a twin, and the same thing happened to my mom. I also remember bugging the hell out of my mother when I was around the same age about them having another baby. That's when I found out I was a twin. I had kept bugging my mom to have another baby because I was suppose to have a sister, not a baby brother....she just stared at me, and then told me about being a twin...weird huh? Mom couldn't have another because she had her tubes tied.....but how neat that we have that in common!

Zube said...

Anduin- It's just so strange. And after I found out about the twin thing, I can remember feeling, I don't know, relieved almost that I'd solved the mystery.

PaintingChef- Yep. It sure does sneak up on ya.

TXSM- Okay, after I posted this, I was like, "Okay Zube, this is really weird even for you to admit!" But, how crazy that you experienced something similar. See, mine was a brother other than the one I already had. I happen to think it's pretty cool that I'm not the only wack-job. :-)

Samantha said...

My 12 year old nephew doesn't know he was a twin. But his mom (who loves him dearly, don't get me wrong) has never been there for him. He was raised by his grandmother, and when his mom decided to get pregnant a year or so ago, he begged her not to. Sometimes I wonder if he feels his brother, but he hasn't said anything yet.

Chickie said...

Wow. That's neat.

Phil said...

Like the world could have handled another one of you, Zube ;)

Seriously, though, that is pretty weird. And sad.


Anonymous said...

The thought of TWO of you is STAGGERING. :)

And how cool, sad at the same time, but so so cool that you knew that deep down.

Hang in there, sweetie.

Amy said...

That is amazing. Really amazing. My mom miscarried when I was 13... it was a boy (she had just found out and then...) but then two years later she had GJ and I adore him, even if he is an awful teenager now. Although the age gap (15 years) is odd. Those two years I always felt I should have a brother and he finally showed up!

But, none of us, especially my mom, has never forgotten the one she lost.

Your happy turn is coming too, probably when you least expect it!
I'm a firm believer in that now, thanks to the wicked, little Maggie.

lysie6211 said...

that is really freaky that you figured that out (kinda).

t~ said...


Zube said...

Samantha- See, I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, I've heard the stories about twins who, when the other one dies (such as in Elvis' case) self destruct, but that only seemed to apply to twins who'd been, well, born. But, I think there is something to the twin bond.

Chickie- I am so glad you all don't think it's crazy!

Phil- The thought of another me, even if it was a male version, as I believe it was, cracks me up. I think the world was not quite ready for it!

Bonanza- It's so strange, and it was like I *totally* knew. And, as I said before, I was actually relieved when my Mom had told me what happened because it was like, it answered concerns I had that I didn't understand.

Amy- Oh, I know the time will come when it's right! As it was with Maggie!

Lysie- It is, that's for sure.

T~ That's what I say!

junebee said...

I have never heard about a child who just knows s/he was a twin and keeps asking for the other sib, despite the research on twins raised separately.

With us it was just the opposite. The doc thought it was just a Branch, and a few checkups later, lo and behold a Blossom was in there as well.

Unknown said...

I hope it happens for you soon Zubegirl.

kyknoord said...

Wow. That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Anonymous said...

Cool, I think two of you could have been cool! I always wanted a twin when I was younger - longed for one actually. Though my mom never had any miscarriages. I know you will get your turn too, and you will be a super mom!

justdawn said...

That post brought tears to my eyes...

I think that kiddos can sense a lot more than we, adults, can. I can remember after suffering my first miscarraige (on my daughter's 2nd birthday) that she would talk about the baby on her ceiling. I thought it was totally creepy and weird, but after hearing several other similar stories from other moms who had been through the same thing, I was convinced she was being visited from her baby bro. Maybe she was...and maybe she wasn't, but it really helped me get through my grief to know that he was still a part of our family...even though he wasn't physically with us.

Anonymous said...

wow that is weird
it is just amazing how the fabic of life is so well knitted together

Sam of Witchy Wonderings sent me

Julie Marsh said...

God Zube, that is really fucking weird. How difficult for your parents. And how strange for you to discover, especially at 13.

Zube said...

Junebee- I've tried to research it on the net, and haven't really found anything either.

Barbara- Me, too. Thank you. :-)

Kyknoord- It's kind of chilling, eh?

Banquo- I think two of me would kick ass! Heh. Now, whether or not that would be a good thing is another story.

Justdawn- See, I believe that kids are more in tune, as well, and I have no doubt that your daughter was seeing her brother.

Master Foley- It is weird. Thank you for stopping by.

Mother Goosemouse- My Mom was pretty caught off guard by the whole conversation. I don't know if she was ever planning on telling me. It was probably pretty tough for her.

Kjersten said...

After my mom had five kids, her sixth pregnancy was a miscarriage. For the next five years, every time our family was together, each of us would say "who is missing?"

My precious, precious brother Ryan was born when I was 13 and made our family perfectly complete. He was the source of so much comfort and love and happiness during my awkward, depressed and angry teen years. None of us could even begin to imagine life without him, he is such a wonderful boy!!

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