Tuesday, May 16, 2006

The Lion, The Bitch, and The Husband...With a Little Political Satire Thrown in for Good Measure...

The Scene:

I'm making coffee. Decaf, in case you're wondering. And you know what? If ever a child happens to spring forth from these uncooperative loins of mine? I'm going to torture the EVERLIVING HELL out of it with the naked baby pictures ON THE GODDAMN MANTEL for, not only potential suitors to view, but EVERY-FUCKING-ONE-WHO-ENTERS-OUR-HOUSE, because, did I mention? DECAF!!! The sacrifices I'm making for this damn kid that I'm not even PREGNANT with yet? And I don't even KNOW if I'll ever get to HAVE it? It's nonsense, I tell ya.

Anywho, whilst I'm brewing the decaf, The Husband is sitting at the computer. It's a typical morning in the Zube household. Until. The squawking begins. And the squawking seems to be coming from the general direction of, who else? Zube Boy...

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Z-Boy: What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?!?! You have GOT to be kidding me. Jesus Christ, honey. This is ridiculous.

*Zube Boy gets all newscaster-y*

Z-Boy: MOUNTAIN LION THAT KILLED PET WILL BE REHABILITATED

How in the HELL do you REHABILITATE A FUCKING MOUNTAIN LION?!


*Then he gets this 'Sensitive Guy' soothing voice and starts imitating the process of rehabilitating a mountain lion*

Z-Boy: You know, Mr. Mountain Lion, that was a very bad thing you did, eating that family's cat. You shouldn't do stuff like that.

My God. That's such bullshit. Honey? HONEY!?


*I'm too preoccupied with the snorting of decaf *cough* the shit I try to fool my brain into thinking it enjoys at the ungodly hour of 6AM *cough* out of my noise to respond*

Z-Boy: You know what, honey? I bet one of YOUR Democrat friends is behind this! WAAAAAAAAAAH! Don't KIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL it! It didn't MEAN to eat the kitty! REHABILITATE IT! YES!

Fucking Democrats.


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I later realized, after getting to work and grabbing the local paper, that he was reading this article.

Oh, and snorting coffee out of your nose? Decaf, or regular, I would imagine? Don't try it at home. Or at the office. Or in the car. ESPECIALLY when it's freshly brewed (READ: HOT AS HELL). I'm just sayin'.

11 Leg Humps:

Storm said...

hee! That's pretty great. The satire, not the snorting of hot coffe. I don't think I'd even bother with decaf though--I think it's time you discovered tea. White tea. It's good for you and not caffinated--and I'm sure it tastes better too.

But... you know what? I like the idea of letting Mr. Mountain Lion mature so that it might be able to defend its territory and not have to resort to eating any more pets rather than killing it outright. (end small voice.) But then, I'm a bleeding-heart-fucking-liberal, so there you go.

Zube Girl said...

Heh. I think his vitriol reaction was mostly to the headline, because when I read on a little further, letting the lion mature seems like a good idea.

It was mostly hilarious to me because of his little "Mr. Mountain Lion" rehabilitation thingy. I'm kind of with you, though. 'Cause I've got the bleeding heart, too.

junebee said...

The lion will probably have to wear an ankle bracelet and won't be permitted to live within 1,000 feet of a home with a cat, pet store, or animal shelter.

Love the title of the post. And snorting coffee would suck, even expensive Hawaiian coffee.

PaintingChef said...

wait...you're drinking decaf?

greatwhitebear said...

This is a scary story for me. I live in extreme northern indaina, where there haven't been any cougars in about 150 years. However, camping just noruth of the line in Michigan, I heard my first one last summer. Last winter, a cougar attacked an mauled a horse about 15 miles north of here. And a woman who lives just outside of a state park one morning woke to find her 170lb Rottie having a stare down with one by her fish pond.

Apparently the abundance of deer and coyotes (read abundant food source) are causing them to spread their range rather rapidly. A number of state parks in Michigan now post cougar habitat warnings, along with what to do if confronted by one.

I too am a heart bleeder. I am clad the cub is gonna be rehabilitated.

Phil said...

Lemme get this straight . . . mountain lion goes into someone's house and kills their cat. Then, someone gets the bright idea to "rehabilitate" it. WTF?!?!?! The thing should be getting an award and sent on to the next house.

Yes, I'm joking.

And thanks for the warning about shooting coffee out the nose. If I ever try to drink coffee, I'll be sure to remember that.

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

Chickie said...

After the mountain lion is rehabilitated, he could go around to nursing homes and sick wards to cheer people up. Like one of those therapy animals.

Happy Villain said...

Dude, let the mountain lion do his time and get on with his life. I'm sure he'll write a grrrrrreat screenplay and some cool, hot-shot cougar will play him in the movie, and the proceeds will go to benefit the Mountain Lions Who Love Kitties Foundation. Give him a break. He wants to be rehabilitated. He'll live in a half-way house, do some community service, prove he's not a threat to the kitty community anymore (oh, and isn't he a kitty too?), and we'll all be better for it.

Hey, maybe he wasn't really the one behind it. Maybe he's been framed and should spend the rest of his life trying to find the real killer of that cat. Maybe he'll get his own reality show on Pay Per View, where he can play practical jokes on others, pretend like he's going to eat their cat and then back off, saying, "Hahahaha, you been Juiced!"

Where's Johnny Cochran when you need him?

txsm said...

I love Happy Villain's scenario, kind of goes along with the movie with Harrison Ford........

"It wasn't me...it was the one armed man!"

Yeah, HV....Johnny wouldn't be any help..he's kinda 6ft under pushing up daisies. Hee!

RisibleGirl said...

Maybe Mc Donalds should put that "don't snort coffee out your nose" warning on their coffee cups. I'm surprised someone hasn't sued for that by now.

I'm one of those bleeding heart types too... by the way.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

OMG, I would SO take the sweet little mountain lion and give it a home. Seriously. I've always wanted one as a pet, but husband keeps saying that 150 lb. cats who think light fixtures are playtoys aren't good ideas.

So now I think I'm lumping Zube Boy in with my husband in the "morons who do not see the beauty and majesty of big cats who only act out when dumb shit humans encroach on their territory" group.

 

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