Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Things That Are Shapely...Like How Some Things Are IN Shape and Some Things Are OUT of Shape...

Cervix holes? They are pissy little fuckers. Or at least mine is. Like when a catheter with a deflated balloon at the end of it is insterted up there? Well, honestly, I don't know what it's like to have something insTerted, but to have it INSERTED? Sucks a little. My cervix hole no likey that so much. I mean, the procedure wasn't TREMENDOUSLY painful. Just toe-curling, fist-clenching, gasping and then holding your breath, kind of painful. Tolerable. And then? When they inject fluid into the catheter to expand the little balloon up in there and send a sonogram wand up alongside it so they can see my uterus and what its shape and its lining look like? And to make sure there aren’t, like, cobwebs and spiders and matchbox cars up in there? Oh, for the love of GOD, PLEASE, unless you see a little welcome sign with a fire at the hearth and a rocking chair on the porch, because that's the kind of shit that needs to be seen in REAL TIME, just take a damn picture with the sonogram already and show me my insides LATER when all the junk you've got UP there is OUT, because my uterus? Is TOTALLY spasming and REALLY BAD CRAMPS X 10 makes it difficult to care about the appearance of my picture perfect girly bits!

And, also? If any of you gals ever consider having a little rendezvous with a balloonified catheter and a sonogram wand? You should bring a girlfriend like Becki because then you can talk about making swan hats and gowns out of the napkin skirts and finger puppets with the little sonogram wand condoms and finger painting on the walls with iodine and it will be FUNNY! To be fair, Zube Boy is pretty damn funny too with the turning on of the little gyn lamp and shining it on the magazine he's reading and his declarations of, "Well, honey, I'm not a doctor but I'll have a look." But sonogram wand condom finger puppets? Hee. Which reminds me...what the FUCK is up with having to wait a damn half hour ALWAYS and FOREVER in the doctor's office? I'd rather be in the waiting room, ya know? Actually, I take that back. Because the three ladies with their big huge baby-filled bellies commiserating about their pregnancies? Kind of made me sad. Iodine fingerpainting is the way to go.

Anyway, my uterus is in great shape. I mean, it IS a great shape. The way it's supposed to be. Like, it's not a star or a hexagon or anything. And the lining looks fine. Another clean bill of health for me. Which is cool because as much as I'd like to find a REASON for all these miscarriages, a badly shaped uterus might not be rectifiable. And I'd rather have a rectifiable problem. Or no problem at all. Just really bad fucking luck. Three times in a row.

Speaking of shapes, while my innards are all adorable and just what the doctor wanted to see, my outtards are, um, maybe not. At least that's what I think it means when your Spanish-speaking coworker, Pedro, returns from Mexico after a year and starts working with you again and says, "Zube, mas gordita, eh?" Which means, in a nutshell, hey girl, you're more chubby. Or it could mean a little more fat, but I'm partial to chubby for some reason. When he said it, I laughed, because he wasn't being malicious about it, and it's DAMN TRUE! He was just making an observation. A very true one. Why get mad? But when I reiterated the tale to my male co-workers, they were MORTIFIED. But, I'm kind of wondering if it's a cultural thing? Like, is it okay in Mexico to point out that someone has gained a little weight? Is it not as taboo to mention as it is here in our weight obsessed culture? I don't know. I thought it was interesting, though.

Well, it's time to get my great-shaped uterus having, mas gordita ass the hell off the computer. Peace out.

23 Leg Humps:

nelle said...

Glad to hear that your uterus is in great shape! And you know you've got some seriously good friends when they can keep you entertained during an experience like that!

Storm said...

whew! Well, I've got my fingers crossed for a tangible, fixable problem.

On the gordita thing, yes. In Mexico (and those who are direct desendants from Mexicans, especially those who live in border towns), it's not so bad to comment that someone has gained (or lost) weight. Throws me off every damn time I hear it, but Steve's old friends and relatives are CONSTANTLY telling him, "oh, you're gained weight!" or some such thing. And he replies like it's no big deal (although it kinda is).

Ginamonster said...

It's true. Every time I visit my old coworkers in in the cabinet shop they say stuff. in fact, my second day on the job roberto came up to me and said "yina, jour butts (the U should sound like rook or book) is really big" I mock gasped in horror because I knew he was really just talking about my boots, which are indeed quite large. Now it's, "yina, joo so skeeny. What happened?" I love Roberto. and no I am not racist all of you or poking fun. that's just what his accent sounds like to me.

Ginamonster said...

OH! and hooray for healthy Uteri!

Happy Villain said...

Dude, I'd totally lie and say that the expansion of your rump is due to the uterus, or perhaps, the balloon used for viewing the uterus. AND, tell Pedro it's not rectifiable. :) (Something about the word "rectify" and talk about your butt in the same sentence makes me laugh. I wonder why...)

OR, maybe your body is growing to accommodate the love you have for the future baby because your smaller self just couldn't contain it. If I was a betting girl, that's what I'd put my money on.

60 and counting said...

Indonesia is the same. Five years of the same weight. Depending on the mood. Each time you meet you have put on or lost weight.The temperature is the same. Stand in the sun. OOOhh it's too hot. Step into the shade. OOOhh it's too cold. I don't think it means anything, just conversation.

justdawn said...

Oh Zube...what great news! I am sorry you are having to go through all of this, but if every horrid procedure gets you one step closer to Zube Baby, then it will all be worth it in the end:)

What's the next step for you???

And I totally love Happy Villian's explaination for the bigger you...VERY sweet!

kyknoord said...

I'm going to have a whole heap of 'alien abduction' nightmares after reading that

Rich | Championable said...

Dude, you totally win the "Rich's best opening sentence for May Award" - if there is such a thing for:

"Cervix holes?"

Miss Cellania said...

Would you be talking about a hysterosalpingogram? Mine was about twenty years ago, but I STILL remember the pain. I also remember clear as daylight how the doc and I saw at exactly the same time why I'm infertile... right there on the screen. That pain was about as bad as the procedure itself. The best thing about it was getting it over with. I'm glad yours is in great shape. Now have some chocolate to ease the painful memories!

Bonanza Jellybean said...

OK, I'm going all brainy here...

"Gordita" is actually the diminuative form of the word "gorda," which does indeed mean fat. When you add the "ita" on the end, it makes it more translatable to "chubby" or "plump," but in a good and charming way. Actually, latin guys don't get into the whole skinny ass thing like white boys do, so what he was really probably saying was, "Damn Zube, you finally have some ass back there instead of that old bag of bones you had before. Lookin' good, honey." So it's a good thing.

Or he wanted you to run to Taco bell for him. I'd actually have to hear it to know the difference.

My espanol is a bit rusty these days. With the exception of telling the guys in line behind me at the grocery store the other day "Thank You" when they said I had a nice ass, thinking I didn't understand them. :)

RisibleGirl said...

yay for a good lookin' uterus! This is one step closer, Zube!

What's next?

Amy said...

Congrats on the picture perfect uterus.

I'm telling you, I bet you guys have that Rob Estes and Josie Bissett thing... wish I could remember what it was called but I watched it on a Lifetime Intimate Profile of Josie Bissett in the middle of the night. :o)

I'm in the mas gordita club with ya, thanks to this freaking new house purchase/move/sell old house thing. I've gained back at least 90% of the weight I lost last year. $##%%$$%!!!

Exquisite Chick said...

That is good news about your uterus. Hmm, that's a sentence I've never used before! :)

Sound's like the Mexicans have got the right idea. If only more cultures thought it ok to gain a little weight.

Debi said...

Gratz On your perfect Ut! That's a relief...now if you could only solve the miystery on why those little boogers aren't sticking. :( Good Luck hon :)

Phil said...

Uh, I think Pedro was just bragging to you about the kick ass (no pun intended) big lunch he had. Mmmm . . . gorditas.

Glad things are the right shape, but sad that they still haven't figured out the cause of the problem yet. Why do the doctors always want you to look along with them when they're taking pics of your innards? Y'know, those parts are inside, under the skin, out of sight, for a reason.

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

Crazy Lady said...

Good to hear about your uterus, just glad you didn't make this a photo post...

Rainypete said...

I'm worried about my uterus. I think it's gone.

Kjersten said...

Oh my gosh... ouch. At least the results were positive and you won't have to do that ever again.

junebee said...

Bonanza Jellybean is right about the "gordita" thing. Nanny G.'s sister's pet name for her (Nanny G.) is "Gordita". Nanny G. said in Colombia it's not a term of offense. In fact, the Branch's nicknames (other than Branch) are versions of "Gordito" - "Gordote (big Gordo), Gordo, or "Gordito". Just depends what mood I'm in! I usually say "GOR-DO!" when he's doing somethig wrong. I know he'll look for it on his birth certificate when he's older!

The procedure sounds way painful. Good thing you had a wonderful support crew.

Anonymous said...

Hallo I absolutely adore your site. You have beautiful graphics I have ever seen.
»

Anonymous said...

Looks nice! Awesome content. Good job guys.
»

Anonymous said...

Very pretty design! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
»

 

designer : anniebluesky : www.bloggeruniversity.blogspot.com / graphics : AmyD : www.amysmusings.com