Sunday, June 04, 2006

Prepost...And postpre...And Stopper...And Toppers...And, Okay, That's Enough With the What Word Can You Make With These Letters...

A couple of posts back I was wondering what made Pre-Three-Miscarriages Zube Girl different from Post-Three-Miscarriages Zube Girl. I think I've found something that speaks to at least part of the vast openness between that great divide.

Pre-Three-Miscarriages Zube Girl had the luxury of worrying about her ability to be a parent. Whether she would suck or whether she would rock. She'd like to think she'd rock even though her future kid might be all, "JESUS H. MOM! I stayed up late STUDYING and that's why my eyes are all red, HELLO!?!?! I don't know what you're so worried about anyway. I work an after school job, get good grades, and buy my own _______________ (insert fancy pants name here), so back off!" Which, heh, stayed up late STUDYING! Whatever, kid. *snort* But see, I know that for all my concern, I'd raise a decent self-sufficient human being, if not for any other reason than, well, for ALL MY CONCERN ABOUT RAISING A DECENT, SELF-SUFFICIENT HUMAN BEING. Even if the kid smokes pot? S/He'll still be a good one. I think, anyway.

On the other hand, Post-Three-Miscarriages Zube Girl worries that she'll never even BE a parent, so she doesn't want to jinx it by fretting about whether or not her sixteen-year-old will slam the bedroom door because she's just told them s/he can buy her/his OWN Land Rover. See, at the ripe old age of thirty I understand now that fighting with your parents as a teenager? Is kind of important. So long as we're talking about a functional family. And I'm aiming my arrow towards functional. That's my goal. But, taking my family as an example, 'A Little Weird' doesn't fall far from BULLSEYE! And I'll be happy with just short of perfect. Actually, 'perfect' is a little annoying.

Which reminds me, I've been meaning to tell any future embryos of mine that even though I've sworn to myself that you WILL purchase your own first car, and you WILL NOT have all the fancy clothes you want no matter how much money we have, and you WILL share a room at some point in your life with a sibling because I did, with my brother and then my sister and then both sisters, and then my brother got all sad because he had his own room and I got to share my room with TWO people, so Mom let My Belle stay in his room for a few weeks upon Bro's insistence, and he said, uh, nevermind, she cries at night,

Anyway, I think it was good for my character, sharing a room. It prepared me for life and sharing and caring and all that good stuff, and...WOOOOOOOOAAAH! I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. Note to Self: Yo, Zoobs, let's get pregnant and STAY pregnant for at least 35 weeks, which I think is a safely viable gestational age (I haven't researched pregnancy much past the first trimester...It's all about self-preservation, people. Really, 'tis, and I can't be concerning myself with 'trimester' pregnancies when I fail to achieve even a 'unimester' one) before worrying about SIBLINGS! Jeebus. Sorry, every once in a while I have to remind myself that the dreams which live inside my head are not always the same ones that manifest in real life. Allrighty then...

...Where was I? Ah yes...I was going to make all kinds of promises to my potential children-to-be that might convince them that while I MIGHT be sort of a Bitch Mom, I'll be AWESOME. Really. You will SERIOUSLY love me. You can be WHATEVER you want!

You can...

-Have purple hair (so long as that doesn't interfere with the high school job thing...there's always tattoo parlors out there looking for high school help...I think?)

-Be Gay (Damn kid, I'll love ya more, because you'll fucking need it what with all the gay-hating going on around these, ahem, united states of ours.)

-Not want to go to college (because I didn't. I went anyway because that's what everybody else thought I should do. But I know that being all smart and shit doesn't necessarily mean that you're college material. This is one thing your Dad and I will wholehartedly agree on. We'll never pressure you to do what doesn't feel right. You'll be smart. I know that. And you'll do what's right with it. I'm sure.)

-Tell me ANYTHING. And I mean ANYTHING (*wishing right now that I had the ability to Double-Capitalize*). I promise not to go all MATERNAL when you really, really fucking need me. Life happens to people. This I know. And if something horrible happens to you? Even if you maybe had a tiny bit, or a BIG bit to do with it? I SWEAR I'll step back and breathe...only to return with a big hug and a hearty, "I'm sorry life had to happen to you THAT way, but here's how we deal with it." I'll avoid trying to fix it because fixing it never really works anyway. At least when we're talking about life and not plumbing or a bad starter.

While I'm being all random and whatnot, I'd like to thank those of you who've stuck by me throughout my weird blog abandoness. You LURKERS, too! I'm having trouble posting things because all I can think about is the fact that I bled for a month, then manhandled my boobs for the past week and a half (which OHMYGOD MAYBE I'M PREGNANT BECAUSE THEY'RE SORE!) (But they're more probably only sore because I've been manhandling them ), and I want to be pregnant/have a baby so bad it, uh, kind of hurts. And there are many other gals out there that rock the infertility blog thing so much better than I ever could. Anyway, I've been sporadic at best because I'm concerned about beating ya'll over the brow with my woes. Which makes for a VERY random, VERY sucky (in my opinion) blog, and I can't believe you've hung in there.

So, thanks.

13 Leg Humps:

Storm said...

I lurve you. I'm just saying.

You'll be a great mom. And knowing that you'll be such a great mom, the universe wouldn't let you NOT be a mom, whatever it takes.

Rich | Championable said...

I'm prayin' for you, amigo. I hope you get what you want.

Amy said...

Someone like you SHOULD be a mom, Zube. You've got all the right qualities and it would be a great disservice to our nation and planet were a corner of it not occupied by mini-Zubes... I'm just sayin'

It'll happen... because it just CAN'T not happen.

Crazy Lady said...

You will make such a great mama. And I really like you list to the future Zubes... It will so cool for them to one day be able to read that.

Nicky said...

Wish that you could have been my mom. You are gonna rock! Hang in there.

RisibleGirl said...

Hang in there Zube, we'll be here for the long haul because made us care about you....

(woah... am I talking like I'm a queen, saying we and us?)


kyknoord said...

And thank YOU for having us. BTW, I've always wanted to be well hung. Now it would appear that I am.

Denise said...

I'm pulling for you!


Bonanza Jellybean said...

Heh. I don't have the heart to tell you that I said all the same things BEFORE, and now that you've actually heard the way I talk to my kid, you know that it didn't last. At all. :)

And we'll always hang in there with you. Don't worry about that.

Debi said...

We love ya that's why we hang in there with you, when you are random, and when are you not really? When you are sad. When you are scared. When you are with/without child...cause ya know, that's what all this blog-love is about. Then when you have your little zubelette someday, we will all send you mass quantities of zube-booties, because that's the way it's spose to be!

Zube Girl said...

Storm- I just lurve you, too! :-) Thank you.

Rich- Really, that I'm in your prayers? That means a helluva lot. Thank you.

Amy- See, I think the world would be a touch wackier and nicer with some mini-Zube's populating it. Or at least the little corner of it which we occupy. Thanks, chica.

Crazylady- Thank you. :-) I hope my future-maybe-kiddos DO get to exist and read this.

Nicky- Wow. Thanks for the compliment! Seriously.

Risiblegirl- You are TOTALLY a queen! We all are. ;-) And I can't tell you how sweet it is that y'all care. Really.

Kyknoord- Bwahahahaha! You are too funny, dude. Really. You crazy bellydancer, you!

Denise- Thanks so much! And I'm hoping for you, too! How did your HSG go? Well, I hope.

Bonanza- Haha! Thanks for hangin' in and I hope someday I'll have kids as cool as lil cowgirl. Who loves her Daddy!

Debi- You are too cool. Really. And I would LOVE me some Zube Booties!!! I mean, you know, for a baby! And hell, maybe some for me, too!

Miss Cellania said...

You are gonna be a great mom, no doubt. But I wish you wuldn't worry about so much. NO ONE is prepared for parenting, you just do it. The stuff you worry about and plan for often doesn't even materialize, and the problems that DO come up are so totally out of left feild, you CAN'T prepare. So no need to worry about it!

Spider Walk said...

You are going to be an AWESOME mom!


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