Thursday, October 19, 2006

Take That

A while ago, Zube Boy got his hands on my cell phone. This happens quite a bit. One day, I'll look down at my phone and where it once said 'Zube Girl' it will say 'Zubesmell' or something equally as assy. Anyway, I hadn't realized this particular time that he'd been screwing with my phone until one day, while sitting at my desk I hear, "Halllllllllllllll-lelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallllllllllllll-lelujah, halle-e-lu-jah!" After a few unanswered queries of, "Who the hell's phone is that?" I realized that, "Oh, mine the hell phone that is! What the..." I hadn't assigned that particular ringer to anyone on my contacts list. When I looked down to check the caller-ID, it said, "God." Fuck. God was calling me.

It turned out not to be God at all. Which was probably a good thing because I'm fairly certain I wasn't on my best behavior that day. Or any other day, for that matter. I'm counting on an infestation of locusts to warn me of God's next call. So I can make amends and shit first. Anyway...

It was Zube Boy. Mr. Funny Man. And since, I never changed it because sometimes my laziness knows no bounds.

On another note, perhaps, an angrier note, sometimes things get me all fired up and rambunctious. Imagine that. Mostly, it's websites I seek out for advice about being pregnant after a miscarriage. They seem to like to tell me, in a sparkly and optimistic way, "Try not to worry! ENJOY your pregnancy."

Hmph. Enjoy pregnancy my ass. That's about the most useless fucking advice I've ever heard. But, being the adventurous soul that I am, I'd be willing to give it a whirl if the advice givers would do me just one favor.

Go to the Grand Canyon with me.

And while we're standing high up on a cliff, admiring the view, I'll push them off.

And then? We'll do it again.

And? Again.

And once they're sufficiently tore up and broken, I'll suggest we head up just one more time. While we're up there, I'll saying things like, "ENJOY the view! Isn't it beautiful? Really, relax and look around!"

If they'll do just that one thing for me, I'll certainly return the favor by enjoying pregnancy and not worrying.

Somehow, I think I'll be left to my own worrying devices.

But, uh, so far so good in that department. Nothing's fallen out today. That's my mantra these days.

23 Leg Humps:

Bethany said...

Damn... I worry regardless. And hell, when the kiddos born, you worry even more. See? Viscous, evil cycle. You're gearin' up Zube!

Anonymous said...

pillow and a tennis racket...Hmm I wonder if it really works? I would be one to take the racket with me. Glade to hear odd is staying put, rather then relaxing and enjoying your pregancy - worrie a little and eat a whole hell of a lot cause thats what pregant women do.

Chickie said...

I think I just pulled something while howling at the idea of you shoving someone (repeatedly) off a cliff.

Thanks, I needed that.

Miss Cellania said...

I have to admit, that was a great prank.

Anonymous said...

bub- thinking of u lots! luv bub

Amy said...

Bwhahahaha!!! Shoving people off a cliff sounds like AWESOME stress relief. In fact... I'd like to do it to my husband about now because he's been a horrendous assmonkey lately. And NOT in that "he's kind of cute but still an assmonkey" kind of way either.

OHM... Nothing will fall out... OHM.
(just getting into the chant with you)

Phil said...

Um, does this mean that ZubeBoy is going to expect Odd to grow a shaggy beard, wear sandals, associate with prostitutes, and walk on water? Or is that only if Odd turns out to be a boy?

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

tasha said...

Having never had to deal with multiple losses, I had no idea. Now, thanks to you, I do. It makes perfect sense to me. I hope you get a chance to say that out loud to someone telling you "relax".

hotdrwife said...

Ooooh, now that's a great prank. I need to put that one away for future use ....

Miss Britt said...

That is brilliant!!

I wonder how mamy cell phones I can get a hold of in the next 24 hours.....

(after that I will forget about it I'm sure and be ramping up for my next most brilliant idea ever. I need to move quickly to keep ahead of my ADD)

Anonymous said...

It's okay to worry, feel nervous and all that goes with it. Let no one tell you to relax and enjoy, how can they say that? You and odd will be fine, day by tiny day is all you can do, and remember to get the phone with your racquet next time.

Crazy Lady said...

OH, I am sooooo stealing my husbands phone tonight... He is forever screwing around with mine. Time for a little payback, I think

Fidget said...

I have a sneaking suspicion you already know this ... from now on.. no matter how many viable pregnancies you have, you WILL WORRY - obsessivly. There is no such thing as a relaxed pregnancy after miscarriage, particularly multiple. I'm 20 weeks and still waiting for the other shoe to drop EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, sigh.

Anonymous said...

any updates?

PaintingChef said...

Patrick thought it was pretty damn funny too when I ripped Zube Boy off and did the same thing to him...

HAHA!!

Oh, and hey...keep your damn legs crossed!

Rich | Championable said...

Checkin' in, yo.

As always, ZB give me ideas.

Anonymous said...

Got an idea for payback. I do it with my friends, change the language in his phone to greek or swiss/french. Works a treat. They can't negotiate the menu to change it back unless they understand the language. Saying that you prob dont get other languages on your US phones so I will shut up with what appears to be a stupid idea. Sorry

Anonymous said...

Got an idea for payback. I do it with my friends, change the language in his phone to greek or swiss/french. Works a treat. They can't negotiate the menu to change it back unless they understand the language. Saying that you prob dont get other languages on your US phones so I will shut up with what appears to be a stupid idea. Sorry

Erika said...

Trust me, ZG, it is almost never a good thing when God calls up. He always says hard to figure out aften caustic things like "sure satan, you are more than welcome to fuck with my favorite person. that old Job, he can handle it."

And he's really rather bossy. So don't be dissapointed. It's a good thing.

Oh, and give ZB a swift kick in the ass.

Chrissy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chrissy said...

I nominated this post for the ROFL awards because it made me laugh so hard that I've had to share with my friends who don't blog. Thanx for the laugh and congratulations on The Odd Turtle.

Visit me for your button code.

Mommy off the Record said...

Hallellujah! You've won a ROFL Award for this. Congrats!!

honkeie2 said...

That is toooo funny. I go to my anger therapy as well, they call it Rays gun shop and firing range out in Moutainside NJ. Nothing puts me in a good mode more than blasting the poop out of those evil paper bad guys.

 

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