Tuesday, July 08, 2008

If It Isn't Broken, Even Just a Little, Then Something Is Amiss

Twelve years ago, when I had the abortion, I remember promising myself that someday I would become a mother and I would make it right. I would be such a fucking stellar mother that the heavens would open up and angels would swarm down plucking giddily at harps and that somehow I'd bring balance to the universe. Or my little tiny piece of it anyway.

I was operating under the misguided assumption that having a baby would fix me. Make right many things I felt were broken and had been for a long time. And since Zee's arrival, lo those many months ago, I've been coming to terms with the fact that that's an awful lot to ask one teeny tiny little person and, well, life just shouldn't work like that. And it would be really fucking unfair to Zee to shoulder the weight of being the miraculous cure to Her Mom's Shit. I think that’d fuck her up far more than having a Mom who just happens to have a few loose screws and some minor cracks in her foundation. You know?

In a way, I can’t shake that I’ve gone back on my promise. I’m not the most stellar mother ever. I’m just, well, me. And all of my imperfections. I still get sad that I was raped and got pregnant. And then had an abortion. And I still, once in a while, shake my fist angrily at the universe that I went on to have three miscarriages years later. Usually when I'm pondering the possibility that when we try to grow our family again, I might have more. And, and, and...

I hope, though, that when she's all growed up she'll love me even if I'm sometimes sad and occasionally a little too Where's My Black Beret? Oh I'll Find It After I Cry Myself a River introspective. Even if I did break a promise I made to myself back when I didn't have the foresight to know that our children aren't brought into the world to fulfill our promises.

I hope Zee believes, as I do, that we're all the more interesting for our loose screws and cracks...I really, really hope so.

5 Leg Humps:

Crazy Lady said...

I hope that Zee realizes (when she is older, of course) that she also has a very wise mommy.

AmyD said...

I'm with Kari on that one. Zee is one lucky little girl!

RisibleGirl said...

Personally, I like being a bit cracked. I agree with you that it makes us just a little big more interesting.

Cracked people are my favorite bloggers. ;)

Zube Girl said...

Thank you guys. Really. It means a lot. :-)

jani said...

I find that perfect women lead rather boring lives but "perfect" Moms are totally in the eye of the beholder....usually their daughters!


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