Friday, August 19, 2005

Say Cheese...Or Run Away and Hide...

I am the most horribly unphotogenic person alive. Seriously. You don't believe me? I've got a certificate that says so. No. I'm not going to show it to you, because I'm lying. About the certificate. Not about being freakishly ugly in photographs.

I also happen to have a husband who thinks it's funny to take pictures of me when I least expect it. I think there is a handbook that says you should never, ever snap a picture with the camera aimed upward centering on the chin. Especially when the subject is in the midst of returning to the standing position after setting your dessert on the coffee table. The penalty for that transgression is stiff. The photographee will most likely snatch back the bowl of ice cream she lovingly prepared for you and eat it herself. Even though from the looks of the photo she doesn't need anymore ice cream. Rat bastard.


Heh. I have to laugh. I look like a pissed off football player. With no lips. What the fuck? You guys, I SWEAR I have lips. I mean, they're not big and luscious or anything, but I've got 'em. Indeed, I do. And what's with my chin? Ew. I have tried, but I cannot duplicate this look in the mirror. I think it's a trick camera.

You should also never take a picture while the subject is hard core lounging, reading a book. And has fallen asleep mid-read. It's especially important to know that if the subject is awoken only by the flash of the camera, she will most certainly NOT look as cute as you swear she did sleeping. A sleeping subject multiplies the cute factor by two. An awake subject? Different story.


Needless to say, I was all at once anticipating and dreading the arrival of our wedding photos. I prayed that the dieties would find it in their hearts to give me at least a few pictures worthy of seeing on my mother's mantle the once a year that I manage to make the sojourn back to my old stomping grounds in Jersey.

And, they did. A little. Scattered throughout photos of my attention-whoring eyelids...


Are a few goodies...


I love this one. Sharing a cigar with my new hubby. And, we just look so happy! Which sort of overrides the fact that I think my nose is kind of weird. Eh well. You can't have everything. I'll take my bastard of a husband over Revlon worthy photos any day.

Now, where to hide the camera...

16 Leg Humps:

Kjersten said...

I have an enormous collection of pictures of myself that would fall in the most-hideous-in-the-world category. Maybe I will make you feel better and post some tomorrow. It's not you, it's the evil cameras of the world, they do it to all of us.

I think your wedding picure is absolutely adorable! and, 'attention-whoring eyelids': funniest and truest phrase ever.

zazzafooky said...

I am the only one with the camera and I keep it hidden, for this exact reason!! :-)

OldGuy said...

It could be worse, at least you're not naked. Not that it would be a bad thing.

Sorta.

I'm leaving now.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

You're beautiful, even with the football look. :)

That's why I have appointed myself family photographer- that way I never have to be IN the pictures.

And I will not EVER forgive the one Dutch Oven took of me on the beach in the 2-piece bathing suit I just got up the nerve to wear. HE TOOK IT FROM BEHIND. I think that's worth at least 75% of the community property.

The amazing part of photos is that everyone else looks like themselves, and I look like Jabba the Hutt. It must be something strange with the lighting...

Beth said...

I take horrible pictures girl...I love your wedding dress you looked stunning. I haven't been here in awhile... I love the look of the site :)

t~ said...

Those wedding pictures are great! I love the one where the two of you are making what seems to be your grand entrance. ::sigh:: happy wedding photos.... lol i nearly tossed all of mine out... (course I did wear bright pink)

And can I just say something to bonanza jellybean? Regardless of what you think you looked like in that picture, he would have NEVER taken it if he didn't think you looked damn hot!

Chickie said...

The grand entrance one is nice. I like how you're waving like the Queen. I love looking at people's photos.

Zube Girl said...

Kjersten- Oh, I would feel better! I keep looking at the pictures and not believing I had the gall to post them on the net!

TJ- It would be easier if it were my camera, but it's his. Still, I think it's time to put that camera in a very special place. Maybe in the laundry room. He'll never find it there.

Old Guy- Now THAT would be scary! Heh.

Bonanza Jellybean- Hell yeah, with the 75%! I think Dutch Oven and Zube Boy need to go to "How to be a Kinder Husband" school. Yes I do.

Beth- Thanks!

T~ I do like the pictures. We just look giddy and stuff. That's cool.

Chickie- Okay, it's kind of a funny story about that picture. The DJ announced us first, before all of the parents and the bridal party. I totally had listed us last. See the sheet of paper I'm carrying? That's the order everyone is supposed to be standing in, and I was just about to let all the parentals and everyone know.

I'm holding my hand in protest, like, "Wait a minute! I have a job to do! We're supposed to be last!" But, Zube Boy was dragging me across the room, despite my obvious confusion! Hee.

Jess said...

My husband does that to me all the time too and I dont like my pictures .... I dont think im brave enough But i may go post some kinda picture lol

Kjersten said...

Okay, I did it, I feel so exposed... you are the bravest person I know.

mothergoosemouse said...

OK Kjersten, I'm going to have to check them out now!

ZG, you are cracking me up, especially the football player one!

I'll play - let me see if I can find some grody pix of myself too. Usually I delete them all.

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

My boyfriend likes to take pictures of me at the worst times, too. What kind of blackmail operation do men think they run? He took one of me after a long day, sleeping on the couch with my dog sleeping on top of me -- which isn't as cute as it sounds because I'm allergic to my dog and my face was all red and nasty.

Why-oh-why do they do that to us?

Wenchy said...

:o) Lovcd your wedding pics!

Zube Girl said...

Jess- They're just fuckers. Fuckers we love, but fuckers nonetheless.

Kjersten- Thank you for joining me!

Mother Goosemouse- Okay, I can't wait! I feel so much better that others are posting their ugly pictures, too!

Librarian- At least you have an explanation for your screwed up complexion. I have no idea what the hell is going on in my sleeping picture?!?! Seriously. My skin is not perfect, but it doesn't look like that either. I think I was really tired, which made my eyes red, and then it spread or something.

Christel- Thank you! I'm quite fond of them, too!

PaintingChef said...

I, also, am SO unphotogenic, its not even funny. I have like four decent pictures of me. And I TOTALLY understand the whole dreading of the wedding pictures thing. Some of ours were just hideous. But, like you said, there were a few jewels hidden there too. Even some where my ass didn't look too huge.

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