Thursday, September 08, 2005

Again, I Cannot Draw Worth a Damn...And Other Important Stuff...

I kind of feel like I should be sad right now. It's normal for people to be sad every once in a while, no? And, it's about that time for me, because sad shit has happened. The problem is that I avoid being sad like the fucking plague.

I can shed tears like a champ. I have no problem being melancholy for a few minutes out of the day; like when I stub my toe and it really hurts. I'll Boo-Hoo and spew forth a string of profanities that would make my dear mother's ears bleed. I am the queen of a good, short-lived 'WAAAAAH!'

It's the real sad that I don't like so much. See, it's quite possible that I'm on the brink of a little valley right now, which I should likely descend, and sit for a picnic. It seems a wonderful place to have a glass of wine, and look up to the hills on either side. The one I was just upon, and the one to which I'm headed. And I should reflect on how nice it was to be upon the last hill, and how nice it will be, too, to ascend the next. To illustrate, I'm here:

Other than the fact that that seems like a small area for such a big stick figure to picnic comfortably on, and I'm tall as all hell, I'm thinking of other things. No matter my height, I can't see past the trees, and I don't know what kind of terrain awaits me. I worry that rather than a picnic area, I may be standing on the edge of this:

And, I've fucking been there, done that. I've leapt off the edge of that cliff, and now every time I come to the edge of the unknown, I freeze. Each new set of trees hiding what lies ahead, leaves me with an unimaginable fright. I bring every tool know to woman to avoid the decline. Stepstools, stilts, ladders...


Anything to go up and not down. If I could be assured that I would never have to go down as far as I have in the past...never need hooks and pulleys and a fucking rock climbing degree to get back up again...never need pills to sleep and pills to wake up...it might be easier to walk along all nonchalant and unafraid...up and down, up and down...until I get to the finish line.

But, no one can promise me that won't happen. Only, in a way, I can. If I put away the ladders and stop looking for a hot air balloon to hitch a ride on, I might have just enough knowhow to find the cleverest and shortest way down. And up.

I'm not armed with a map, but really, what the hell fun would it be if I was? None, I should think.

13 Leg Humps:

PaintingChef said...

Fuck maps. All you need is someone to hold your hand so that you aren't alone in the deep hole and you can climb out of it together.

Amy said...

I detest that feeling. Especially when you know you should be looking around and counting your blessings and knowing that everything before, no matter how hard, has turned out pretty well, it's made you who you are today, and yet, each time I get there... I worry and fret.

Love what paintingchef said. :o)

Sending you happy thoughts - and not the cheesy kind, either! ;o)

junebee said...

Excellent (verbal, anyway) imagery. Hang in there; or should I say, float out of there?

zazzafooky said...

Your illustrations are so damn cool! Being sad and full of melancholy is a fact of life no matter how damn happy you are. My favorite line for this kind of crap is "the sweet is never as sweet without the sour."

You've got big stuff on your mind and in your life (at least from what I've read) and with that comes a lot of emotion, roll with it babe.. suck it up and CRY! :-)

Kjersten said...

I love your pictures so much I want to cry.

You've been through some pretty tough stuff in your life... and lived through it quite successfully. I think that buys you a free elevator pass. When you do find the bottom of the valley (and there is always a bottom), you'll find your way back up in no time.

Blog ho said...

that gave me vertigo

Courtney said...

I know how you feel but saying that does nothing to help you. :P

Nothing I can say will really help, but do know that my thoughts are with you.

christina said...

I was gonna say something like what paintingchef said...but she said it first, and better.
I love your drawings!
sending you good vibes....
{{{HUGS}}}

malfouka said...

This stuff seems to be going around...

Your writing is very profound and lovely today--it speaks softly but pricks small wounds.

I hope things get better

kyknoord said...

Run! You're about to be attacked by an incontinent snake. It's just on the other side of the trees.

Zube Girl said...

PaintingChef- That is why you rock. Thank you.

Amy- Exactly. I feel like I'm being ungrateful, when really I'm in a pretty great place right now, lifewise and all. But still, I'm just a little down. And that should be okay.

Junebee- Thanks! At least it gave me an opportunity for some Paint Shop Pro Practice, right? :-)

TJ- You are so right. One of my mantras has always been, 'I can only be as happy as I've been sad'.

Kjersten- If ever you find the office where these elevator passes are kept, please let me know. :-)

BlogHo- Heh. Only you, you dizzy, dizzy man!

Courtney- Thanks. And it does help to hear that. Really.

Christina- I am an arteest. :-) Thank you for the hugs.

Malfouka- If it's going around, maybe it's a few day bug or something. I fucking hope so. Thanks.

Kyknoord- HA!!! You made me laugh you bastard! I was trying to be all moody and introspective and shit. Hee.

mothergoosemouse said...

I love what PC said. And even without that hand to hold, I know you are strong enough to descend and climb whatever hills are coming up.

Zube Girl said...

Thanks Mother Goosemouse. :-)

 

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