All in the Family

Dear Zinnia,

Well, you've been living with us now for a little over a week, and I thought this an appropriate time to give you the low down on your new family members. We're a crazy bunch, which sometimes will likely piss you off, and other times make you all happy and giddy. Um, I think giddiness is an emotion cats can feel, they simply have trouble expressing it. Right?

Anway, first, there is me. Your Mom. I kick ass, if you ask me. I'll happily feed you anytime AFTER 7:00AM. If you EVER get to thinking that 5:00AM is breakfast time, I'll have to sorely disagree with you. I know you can't tell time, but don't worry. You'll know it's not 7:00AM yet when you get hit in the head with my shoe. A good rule of thumb is this: if Mommy hasn't peed and brushed her teeth, it's too fucking early for breakfast. Got it?

Then there's the Dad. He's cool, and I love him. He'll pretend he doesn't like you, but only when I'm around. He'll be all cuddly and shit when left to his own devices. I know. I've caught him with your kitty brother and sister. Anway, he acts tough, but he's a teddy bear.

Zander is the eldest Z-animal in the family. He's like 7 and that's when cats start being crab-asses. If they ever weren't crab-asses. Which he always was. But that's besides the point. I'm not too worried about you and him getting along because ever since I brought you home he's been up your ass. In conclusion, Zander is a pimp ass mother fucker. I had no idea.

The one and only canine in the house is Zack. I've noticed that you're none too fond of him, unless hissing and clawing his nose is your way of being affectionate. If so, we've got more problems than I thought. Truly, though, he's harmless. Don't tell him I said this but he's kind of simple. He'll even give you half of his bed even though you're a tenth the size of him. At least he does that for Zoey. Zander not so much. I'm not sure if it's because he just doesn't want to share his bed with him or because Zander is far too uppety to be lying with dogs. I think it's the latter. One thing to remember when it comes to Zack is to NEVER EVER play with his nose when he's sleeping. Zoey almost lost her head trying that.

Which brings me to Zoey. Dude, she fucking hates you. I think she's not too keen on Zander's philandering pimp daddy tactics. I don't know what we're going to do about that. I've become painfully aware upon bringing you home that Zander and Zoey might not have been licking and kissing on each other for the benefit of me and my love of saying, "Awwwwww!" Zander is a slut. And Zoey seems quite perturbed that there's a fresh piece of female kitty ass in the house. My only suggestion is to stay the hell out of her way. Zoey is evil. She even scares me and I'm supposed to be the boss around here. Don't fuck with her.

Hopefully you'll store this information in your little pea brain for future reference. Thus far you've assimilated quite well, and I'm sure you'll come to be a wack job just like the rest of the Zubes.

Love ya lots, kitty. *Smooches*

Mom