Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Slutty Office Supplies and Self Restraint

Dear Electric Pencil Sharpener,

Stop looking at me. For real. It's getting old. Yeah, YOU! All staring at me whorishly with your gaping pencil hole. I can kind of hear you chanting; Stick it in there, Stick it in there, You know you WANT to!

The thing is, I DO WANT TO! I think I got that idea myself, though I'm not entirely sure. I was just sitting here with an unfurled paper clip in my hands when I happened to glance over at YOU and a voice in my head whispered, "What would happen if you stuck the paper clip in there? Huh?"

For a minute, my id was all, "Hell yeah, try it!" Fucking id. Always trying to get my ass in trouble. "Shut up id!"

I'm not going to do it. Okay. So, you can leave me alone now and stop looking all enticing. I actually would probably TRY it. But I'm a little afraid that I might get electrocuted and die, and win a Darwin award, or some shit like that. So, in a word, NO. You can give up now. 'Kay?

Sincerely,

Zube Girl

PS- But seriously, I REALLY do want to and it's hard to restrain myself. I mean, what would happen if I stuck a paper clip in the pencil sharperner? Anyone know?

24 Leg Humps:

Kjersten said...

What you need is a good old pair of rubber handled tongs and a welder's helmet.

I have four paperclips staring menacingly at me from my desk right now... the temptation to destroy them is very strong right now.

PaintingChef said...

You won't get electrocuted...but the thing will rattle around and possibly slice your fingertip leaving you with an odd scar that alters your fingerprints permanently.

Y'know...I'm just guessing...

zazzafooky said...

I say do it.

Phil said...

If I had an electric pencil sharpener, I'd try it myself and let you know. If I was really lucky, paintingchef would be right, and I could start my new life with my new fingerprints knowing my FBI file was henceforth inaccurate. :)

Phil
http://nomadechoes.blogdrive.com

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

I watched a man go up to the reference desk at my library and insert his pencil, driving it slowly in and out, and he was going at it *way* too long, using is hips to move his arm. It was mildly disgusting. We all knew what he really wanted to put in there. And you know, most of us wished he had. Just for our own laughs.

Zube Girl said...

Kjersten- With the paper clips. I LOVE tearing them up. It's an obsession!

PaintingChef- I am sitting here giggling thinking that you've actually tried it, but maybe you are just guessing.

TJ- You're evil. I can't even work. I just keep looking at my paper clip holder, then back the pencil sharpener. That's it. I'm useless today.

Phil- Now THAT might be worth a shot!

Zube Girl said...

Librarian- HA! I mean, EW! That's just gross. :P I wish I could've been there to witness the act of LOVE. Makes me thing of the movie "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"...

You can love your electric pencil sharpener, but shouldn't LOVE your electric pencil sharpener.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

That whore.

I don't have any idea what will happen, and neither does my Work Husband (I asked him), but I am willing to sacrifice one of my co-workers to the cause of finding out. I'll get back to you in a few minutes.

Zube Girl said...

Bonanza- So, which coworker would it be? Hee.

PaintingChef said...

I'm telling you...have a band aid handy...

Zube Girl said...

PaintingChef- Bandaid. Check. Guts. The jury is still out on that one!

junebee said...

Writing letters to errant pets is one thing. But to office equipment? Especially the lowly pencil sharpener? I could see maybe a small memo to some piece of worthy equipment, such as a PC or copier. Geez, Zube Girl. I think you've finally lost it :)

BTW let us know what happens when you stick the paper clip in it.

Chickie said...

I'd tape the paperclip to a pencil and then put it in. Maybe the wood will keep it from conducting electricity.

Storm said...

yeah, i've done it. can't say it was the brightest thing I've ever done.

I stuck it into one of those long clicky erasers before sicking it in to the sharpener. Ummm.... yeah, the sharpener never did work quite so well after that.

Zube Girl said...

Junebee- Yeah, I'm definitely on my way to 'Done Lost Her Shit'. That's for sure!

Chickie- You are so smaht, m'dear. Damn, you guys aren't helping me with the restraint thing!

Storm- See, though, were you thirty? Because I'm thinking that being thirty and in an office with other adults, having a meeting about, okay, exactly WHICH of you JACKASSES broke the pencil sharpener with a paper clip, is not going to go over well.

Now, if I were in a classroom with a bunch of other twelve year olds, I just may get away with it.

But here in this office? Oh yeah. No fucking doubt I'll be the first one they look at...

d double e said...

Its totally no biggie. The smell afterward is worth the price of the weird looks.

Phil said...

Sigh. You've just made me start missing one of my old jobs with that whole "office full of adults". It was a call center, but a small one and a real "family" atmosphere where the owner knew everyone by name. We'd frequently have rubber band fights and such while we were on the phone with customers. It was such a blast! Too bad they got bought out and went to shit.

Phil
http://nomadechoes.blogdrive.com

Zube Girl said...

D double E- Mmmm...the smell of burning machinery. Maybe it'll remind me of how Zube Boy smells when he gets home from work, and uh, nevermind. Some things should remain sacred. Even here.

Phil- See, I work with a bunch of kids, and we are like family. We play tricks on each other like lowering office chairs as low as they can go, and waiting for the unsuspecting victim to sit. Real hard. Hee.

But, I think that breaking our only pencil sharpener might be crossing some kind of line or something.

Dutch Oven said...

You may want to warm up the paper clip in an outlet first, then put it in the sharpener. When the metal gets hot, it gets less brittle and won't break but simply bend around the blades.

Of course you've got to survive the outlet first.

Suzi said...

Go on, just do it, Zube girl!

I'll bet the noise is splendid.

kyknoord said...

This reminds me of the old joke: A guy gets home and his wife asks him, "Why are home early?" He replies, "I just couldn't help myself. I tried so hard to resist, but today I stuck my penis in the bacon slicer". "Oh my God! What happened?" "The boss fired both of us".

hoot said...

being your sister I thought that I had heard you come up with some of the craziest shit but this is definately one of your best, I agree with everyone just do it already

Zube Girl said...

Dutch Oven- I can always count on you for sound advice!

Suzi- I'm too much of a wuss, though!

Kyknoord- That's a good one!

Hoot- You know me so well, but never underestimate the absurdities I will dream up!

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