Monday, September 12, 2005

There's All Kinds of Shit Up There, Yo!

I have pulled so many things out of my ass today, it's fucking astounding.

This morning...

Z-Girl: Look honey, it's your keys! I pulled them right out of my ass. How do you like that?


Z-Girl: Hmmm...Your work shirt? Ummm...Oh look, it's right here. It's as though I...

Z-Boy: Pulled it right out of your ass. I know honey. Now give it here please, I'm running late.


And that's not all. I've been pulling shit out of my ass all day at work, too!

~Seven, count them, SEVEN contracts for clients. I fucking rock.

~A clean desk. Big deal, you say? Need I repeat, A CLEAN FUCKING DESK!!! This is a miracle. And the fact that I pulled it, yeah, OUT OF MY ASS! I'm like the next JC. Mock me now, but soon you'll all be wearing bracelets emblazened with WWZGD? Hee. I can feel it.

~Ideas. Numerous ideas. I'm chock full of fucking ideas, and they all come from the same place. There must be some kind of fucking idea factory up in there. I swear.

Coworker: That's a great idea Zube Girl. Where'dya get it?

Z-Girl: Well, you'd never guess! I pulled it right out of my ass!

Did I ever mention that I LOVE my work, and the fact that my coworkers are equally as pottymouthed as I am? No? Well, it's fucking true. LOVE.

Anyway, what have you all pulled out of your ass today? Please share.

Oh yeah. One more teensy thing. I've got two or three open days still for some guest posters if you're interested.*

You all can look forward to the musings of Bonanza Jellybean, Chickie of Skittering Thoughts, Mother Goosemouse, Al of Thick Stout and Coffee, and Tom of Kn@ppster while I'm away. You should be excited to the point of almost PEEING yourselves right now. Promise.

*Pretend I'm staring at you all ominously and shit while you read that. I can look REAL scary when the mood strikes. And lemme tell you, that mood? It's a'freaking strikin' right now.

17 Leg Humps:

junebee said...

Well I stay home with babies all day so there's not much I can pull out of my ass...I do pull the Branch's fingers out of my hair or the Blossom's hand out of the Branch's face.

My best "pull it out of my ass" is at martial arts. I can usually pull something out of my ass on the Challenge category at testing (that is like a pop quiz, some skill we are supposed to know but didn't plan on being tested on). I guess one day this will have a practical use, like when someone needs their ass sorely kicked.

mothergoosemouse said...

Dude, be careful about pulling so much stuff out of your ass. People will start to EXPECT it. Your ass will become the goose that shit the golden egg. And you don't want to picture what happens next...

Phil said...

I'm still wondering what those 7 clients were thinking when you handed them those contracts. I mean, if someone asked me to sign a piece of paper that had brown stains and an odd odor . . . well, I'm not exactly sure what I'd do. And I'll be Zubeboy got some commentary directed at his attire for the same reasons. But the one that has me suffering the most confusement is the desk. From the pictures, I really didn't think you had a big enough ass to fit an entire desk in there.


t~ said...

Yeah, the visual I got off that wasn't too good. I was like eeeee that's kinda nasty. But my question is how were you able to consume such objects in the first place? Somehow I was reminded of a favorite children's story... You know, there was an old woman who swallowed a fly... I don't know why... Perhaps she'll die... I'm gonna go act that out now....You have such talented bowels, I think I'm envious.

Chickie said...

I found a rubber duck in mine.

I put it back.

PaintingChef said...

That is FANFUCKINGTASTIC! I'm so jealous of your ass...

Bonanza Jellybean said...


I have made a career out of pulling things out of my ass, so I understand the feelin gof fulfillment it can bring!! I am also jealous though of you ass's productivity, because mine has been rather lazy lately...

Ghost Blogger said...

Being a mom and gramma, pulling things out of my ass is what I do best! lol

zazzafooky said...

Well I've never pulled anything out of my ass, hubs says that I'm always talking out of it! :-)

carrie said...

hmmm...I might need one of those bracelets.
think maybe you could pull one out of your ass for me?

Dutch Oven said...

The only thing I've ever pulled out of my ass ended up in the septic tank. Except when I ate that burrito last Friday. It was so hot all that came out was steam. Nice, saucy steam.

used*to*be*me* said...

I pull shit from my ass daily (no pun intended) as a mom, student & paralegal - it is what I do best! Just last night I pulled an entire midterm right out of my ass. And a good one it was too!

OldGuy said...

You're really talented you know ?

I mean the only thing I can pull out of my ass is the occasional poem or story.

But you, you're good !

Russ said...

Came your way via Phil's site.
I have a great ass story. One time a customer wanted to cancel a special order item. I said no. He said, and I quote "shove it up your ass sideways".
About a year later the same customer needed that exact same part. So I pulled it out of my ass and sent it to him.
I bet it was stinky...

Zube Girl said...

junebee- You just seem to me like you would be a KICK ASS martial arts chica!

Mother Goosemouse- Oh, I can't have people expecting that! My ass is not productive on demand.

Phil- Yeah, I guess the imagery is not so good, eh?

T~ Oh my, I sing that song ALL THE TIME. Zube Boy hates it. Hee.

Chickie- That's where rubber ducks BELONG! Duh! Good for you putting it back.

PaintingChef- It is SWEET!

Bonanza- Hee! I forgot to think about Dutch Oven and how tempting a question like this might be!

Ghost Blogger- I bet being a Mom makes your ass creative!

TJ- Yeah, I talk out of mine sometimes, too.

Carrie- I sure can!

Dutch Oven- Steam. Ew! Heh.

Keb- We need to start a club or something!

Old Guy- Poems and stories are quite useful!

Russ- That's funny! Thanks for stopping by.

kyknoord said...

Nobody can ever accuse you of being anal-retentive.

Erik Mann said...

another great blog from you guys. i'd point you to mine but it isn't yet the way I'd like it. i do have a website that I think is cool, kind of almost about martial art mat


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