Friday, November 25, 2005

Hoverers Piss Me Right Off

Pardon my slackage. I've been busy making turkey and pulling up my pajama bottoms thanks to that ass monkey husband of mine who likes to depants me while I'm cooking.

I was sitting on the toilet today and I got to thinking. I sit on all toilets. Bar toilets. Airport toilets. Almost any and all toilets. Let's just say that if I won't sit on it, it's pretty goddamned nasty and I'm not even going to risk the hover. I guess you could say I'm a sitter.

I do check the toilet seat before I sit to make sure that some hoverer hasn't pissed all over the seat. Seriously. I have a public service announcement for all hoverers. When your ASS is inches above the loo, certain laws of nature, whatever the hell they're called, make it impossible NOT TO PISS all over the fucking toilet seat. This, in turn, causes MORE fucking hovering and hoverers because no one wants to sit on your bad aim. And speaking of bad aim, have you ever seen a girl pee HER name in the snow? NO. We're just not built that way. That's why we SIT!

I think there should be two women's rooms. One for HOVERERS and one for SITTERS. Or, we could send the hoverers over to the men's room. That way I can sit my happy ass down without having to worry about a damn thang, like pee on the seat.


A conversation with Zube Boy. If you can call it a conversation.

Z-Girl: Honey, do you ever fart and most of it comes out, but you're sitting down and a little fart bubble gets stuck, and kind of moves up and comes out the top of your butt crack?

Z-Boy: *Blinks*

Z-Girl: Well?

Z-Boy: *Blinks*

Z-Girl: I hate you.

13 Leg Humps:

Phil said...

First, maybe ZubeBoy is trying trying to help out in the kitchen for Thanksgiving by by stuffing the turkey, which of course requires removing the pants first. (sorry, just couldn't resist) :)

Second, don't ever go to China. They don't have toilets. Well, the upscale hotels apparently do, but everywhere else they just have holes in the floor, which therefore requires you to hover/squat. My sister got back about a week ago from a trip there, and is still bitching about the lack of toilets (that and the lack of Starbucks).


Bonanza Jellybean said...

OK, I'm going to have to leave this one for Dutch Oven. He'll want first comment at this one tomorrow. :)

Territorial said...

I have been saying that for years...if no one hovered we could all sit our asses down!

As for the pulling of the's gotta be a guy thing. Mine does it too.

Courtney said...

I'm a sitter, too. It's annoying to hover!

The fart question had me laughing out loud and my husband would do the exact same thing to me. He'd understand exactly what i meant, but just to piss me off and make me look dumb- he'd just stare at me blankly. Bastard.

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

I concur about the sitting, and there aren't many places I'll pee, either. If it's not clean enough, I'm not dropping my drawers anywhere near it. That rule applies to many things.

I also concur on the fart thing. I don't know whether I like those farts better or worse. (Not that I like my farts enough to rank them -- oh, who am I kidding? Yeah I do!) It's almost as strangely gigglifying as finding a long hair from my head has slid down between my butt cheeks and when I remove it, the sliding hair is kind of fun. Okay, maybe that one is just me. I'm leaving now.

Dutch Oven said...

Well I have to say that you and I must have been separated at birth. I haven't come across another female that likes to talk about farting and shitting as much as I do.

One of my first jobs at the young impressionable age of 15 was working in a pool hall. I came in on Sat and Sun mornings to clean and get ready for lunch crowds. I have ever since wondered how women miss the toilet. I think had Newton been around today and saw an apple fall, then go to a women's toilet he would have given up on the whole gravity thing. I thought men were nasty until I walked in the women's bathroom for the first time. I've been scarred ever since.

On the farting thing, I could write a dissertation on how farts come out of my bunghole. I would guess that butt hair would hinder the progress of gaseous bubbles, that's what I always thought about mine getting stuck.

Have you ever been walking and they come out as you take steps? I call that puttering because it's like an engine that doesn't want to start or crop dusting since you're spraying across a large area and then getting the hell out of Dodge before anyone notices.

Happy turkey day . . .

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I'm going to file Monday morning. Just wanted to let you know I don't think I can live with this super-intellect anymore. :)

Zube Girl said...

Phil- I've heard of those in China! Eek! That would make me crazy.

Bonanza- I look forward to it! ;-)

Terri~torial- Seriously, maybe we should send the hoverers to the men's room?!

Courtney- Don't you hate that! They should be supportive!

Librarian- Okay, ME, TOO with the head hear in your butt. I have always felt SO along with that! You're awesome.

Dutch Oven- I think we were separated at birth. For real. The crop dusting is fun, be Zube Boy does that when we're grocery shopping and then he'll leave me stranded in the aisle with a bunch of annoyed motherfuckers staring at me thinking I'm the one with stink-ass. Bastard.

Bonanza- Aw. Maybe you should keep him for entertainment purposes!

junebee said...

Next time Zube Boy has his back to you, reach deep down inside his pants...and...give him a wedgie.

mothergoosemouse said...

Dude, Kyle crop dusted at the Depeche Mode concert, and thankfully the women in front of us blamed it on the guys in front of them. Even Tacy knows to take him seriously when he informs her that he has to toot - she shrieks, "Go! Get out of here! Don't stink up my room!"

I usually sit too. Penn and Teller did a Bullshit! episode on the whole toilet-seat-cover business - highly entertaining.

delite said...

OMFG!! I am a Ho-Hoverer

Zube Girl said...

Junebee- That is the PERFECT revenge!

Mother Goosemouse- Dang, the crop-dusting is annoying! And it's usually silent which means it STINKS to high heavens.

Delite- Do you at least wipe the seat after? That's almost forgivable. :-)

dickens said...

Somehow, I'm not sure how, I stumbled first onto Painting Chef's site, and from there to the Zube Family. I have been highly entertained and at times strangely moved over the past couple of days. Which is a good thing, because the past 16 months or so of my life have been largely devoid of a lot of laughter. Thanks for the smiles.


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