Saturday, December 31, 2005

I Hope You Don't Mind If I Piss You Off

A few posts back I wrote about how there are so many women out there who are the strength behind my voice. They're the reason I won't shut up about having been sexually assaulted; because as long as we're cloaked in silence about it, nothing will ever fucking change. That inspired some of you to share with me. Again. And I can't tell you how honored I am that you'd do that. Seriously.

I'd like to say right now that if there is ANYONE out there who just wants to FUCKING TELL IT, I'm all ears (and eyes). Nothing feels better than getting that shit out. Believe me, I know. I'm nearly on the verge of okay because I've told it over and over and over again. It helps. It really, really does. So, please. Don't be scared. I won't breath a word of it, unless you're cool with that. Which leads me to..

One writer, whom we'll call "Fabulous Gal," or FG for short, e-mailed me her story. It so touched me that I asked her if I could post it. With her permission, here it is...

I know I commented before, after I read your 'my story' page. But after reading what you wrote today, I felt alot better about sharing my story. I hope you don't mind; i've never written about it on my blog and frankly, I don't know if I ever could. But I think it would feel better to get it out here, because you're right - carrying it alone is an absolutely humongous bundle of shit.

I was raped 5 years ago, next week. I had gone to a nightclub with my girlfriends, and some random guy offered to buy me a drink. He had laced it with rohypnol. Within 45 minutes I was a walking, talking blank. The lights were on, but no one was home.

He wound up carrying me out of the club a couple hours later, thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He dug my wallet out of my purse and drove me to my apartment and raped me in my own bed. Many hours later I woke to find vomit from one end of my apartment to the other.My bathtub was filled with puke. It's utterly amazing that I didn't choke on my vomit and die in my sleep.

I went to the ER the next morning, where a rape kit was done by our local sexual assault crisis agency. The rape kit thing will haunt me for the rest of my life - all I could think of when I layed on that table having pubic hairs pulled out, fingernails scraped, and then the removal of what was on the inside- was that this is what they do to dead women in a morgue. But I was alive and there.

Photographs were taken of the bruises all over my body - there was one on my back the size of a grapefruit. They held a ruler up to it before snapping the photos- to show how large it was. 7 inches.

The guy apparently dragged me up the carpeted stairs to my bedroom because the entire front of my legs, top to bottom, were covered with rugburn. The end result - the investigation was botched and my assailant got away. The rape kit was sent to a pathology lab out of state only to be declared lost, a month later. Oh, and the photos mysteriously 'didn't come out' and then the negatives were allegedly destroyed. The police department said oops.. sans apology.. and dropped the case; citing that without any forensic evidence/proof I was drugged, I had no case.

I was too fucking scared to go back to my apartment so I stayed with an ex who took care of me for weeks while I remained in a catatonic state.. unable to tend to my kids. I don't know what snapped me out of it, but I eventually did and found the apartment where I am now.. isolated, yet safe.

I hadn't given much thought to all of this in a few years.. until I started reading your blog. It's hard to. It's hard enough to wake up and breathe every day and raise kids alone and survive college. I've barely been allowed to feel anything, or get through this in my own head.

My friends always said, that scumbag must have been 'hooked up', and indeed.. I just recently learned that he was.

Three nights ago I was watching the news and I saw a man - an investigator for a local police department - giving a press conference. His face scared me out of my skin - he looked exactly like the man that raped me. His name flashed at the bottom of the screen... Same last name. It had to be his brother. Or cousin, who the fuck knows. But this area is small, it was not a common last name - and I just KNOW. They've got to be related.

Now I'm feeling more rattled, more pissed off, more fucked over than I did years ago. I wish there was something I could do to prove this happened to me. Just for the sake of my own sanity - and just for others to know so they could protect themselves.


Would y'all do me a favor and drown this girl in some love? Please? What a fucking courageous person. She deserves nothing less than all the props in the world, especially right now. Those anniversaries are fucking hard. For real.

To have done the right thing only to get doubly fucked over in the end...there are no words.

Thank you. You all rock with the props thing. Pass 'em on.

Didn't mean to get you all pissed off on a holiday, but nothing'll change if we don't get all angry and shit,no matter what day of the year it is.

I hope you have a wonderful New Year. May the World be a better place this year because of people like FG and you.

Dear FG,

You are nothing short of amazing. Your kids are lucky to have a Mom like you. And that fucker'll rot in hell. Don't you worry about that. Karma's a bitch.



22 Leg Humps:

Phil said...

Kudos and hugs to both you and FG, Zube. I hope telling your stories will encourage others to share theirs--here or elsewhere--so they can proceed with the healing process.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I gotta say that I pray to God no one I know ever goes through what you & FG have. I know I'd wind up spending the rest of my life in prison or getting the chair. Based on how I reacted when a friend of mine had a "close call", I know there's no way in Hell anyone would keep walking this Earth if they did that to a friend of mine.

Chickie said...

In this case Karma won't be a bitch - He'll be some big dude in the jail with this guy and he'll have a dick big enough to cause aforementioned rapist to need a colostomy bag when he's done.

txsm said...

They always get theirs in the just may never be known to us. I know for a fact my rapist is married, and has 2 kids, and recently I thought I saw him at a hockey game for my brother...which caused me to run and hide in the ladies room until the game was over. It wasn't him, but the experience had me get on the internet and find him, just so I wouldn't 'run' into him....ever. My experience is a little attacker was also my boyfriend at the time, but either way, it's still not easy. We are survivors, NOT victims...I learned that one from Zube.

Sending alot of hugs your way, FG!

Wenchy said...

I am sitting here just in awe of the bravery you have shown writing down such a personal and very painful experience.

That is powerful.

dragonpearl said...

I'm a firm believer in that shit will come back to you threefold. That fucker is in for a world of hurt in his life. I hope he reincarnates as a cockroach.

Anonymous said...

I'm not posting my name, for I was one of the others that wrote to you as well. But what I can tell FG is - YOU HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE! Lord, I don't know who at this point, but trust me when I say this... this guy is a pro at what he's doing, and you are not his 1st, and most likely not his last. You and a dozen of other women must have totally freaked out seeing him on the news the other night. I know this. Trust me. When I was raped 17 years ago, we went to pre-trial. I was the only girl with the rape charges, but 3 girls were claiming sexual harassement. There wasn't enough evidence and he was let go. Five years later reading a newspaper, a small paragraph caught my eye and there was a story about a guy who was up for charges for raping 5 girls (I think 6 but can't remember now). Same guy. His name was in print. To top it off, during his trial - another girl came out and said the same thing. This time the book was thrown at him.
I'm not sure if the answer is to wait and let him hurt again before someone wakes up and see's whats happening, but to think how close you came to dying - I would be scared the next girl won't be so lucky. I don't know what to say about who to talk to. My heart goes out to you. It's bad enough what they did to us, to have either your evidience go missing or in my case not enough to go with that nothing can be done. I believe in karma. His will be coming, I only hope too soon.

Amy said...

I can't even begin to imagine the horror that you and Zube went through. All I know is that as a woman this absolutely pisses me off beyond all comprehension.

I admire your strength and resolve. Everyone here is right... karma can be a real bitch and, in the end, everyone has got to pay the piper in way or another.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Yep. Pissed off now.

I had a guy harassing me in college whose father was ex-government type, and he had all the connections too every time the cops showed up. Thank God it never went farther than being a BIG pain in the ass, because he probably would have gotten away with it. At least legally.

And FG, you have my sympathy and support. TELL SOMEONE. Go to the media somehow. Like previous commenters said, you probably weren't the first, nor will you be the last. And ANY corrupt law enforcement body needs to be brought to light when they behave like this. Period.

I know it's not as easy as all that, but do the best you can, and you might actually get some justice. You definitely deserve it.

Samantha said...

Wow, just wow. I'm not going to tell you to go public, because if that was him on the T.V., that is some scary shit. If you have it in you, telling the press would be a good thing, but I know I couldn't do it. Just the fact that you've survived is such a miriacle. Karma will get him, even if you don't see it. A candle is lit for you today.

Storm said...

fg, much love your way.

And I'm completly pissed off.

junebee said...

You are really a survivor to have even been capable of writing and posting this. I can't imagine the horror and it chills me to the bone to think it could happen to my daughter when she grows up.

I really don't want to be a man-hater because there are so many cool men in my life, but this makes it REALLY tempting.
What is broken here is the legal system, as one commenter said, it is certainly not the first time for these people and won't be the last.

Barbara said...

fg- You'll find a way!

Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air. (John Quincy Adams)

justdawn said...

The corruption of the very system that was designed and put in place to offer justice and keep us safe just makes me want to puke. I am so sorry for all of the survivors who have fallen through the I am sure it is a great many:(

Z-Girl...once rock! I love that you are so passionately serving others who have been raped. For some, kharma will be a bitch...but for you, my friend...lessings will abound:)

FG...your courage is admirable. I applaud you for coming forward with your story...and am only sorry that it did not have a happier ending for you. Your kiddos are so lucky to have you for a mom...stay strong for them...and keep truckin' on. One day, your attacker will get his due punishment.

mothergoosemouse said...

Holy fucking shit. FG, I'm so sorry. Yours is such a horrific story; thanks for having the courage to share it.

Zube Girl said...

Thanks for giving FG all the love and props she deserves. I've never been angrier, I don't think, reading a story like that.

yDrivers said...


I wish I had the words to get across how much my heart is breaking for you. What a horrific experience. And then to have him get away with it because either he's law enforcement, or he has a family just as cowardly as he is.

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this and thank God for amazing women like yourself and Zube for being brave and getting out there with it.

It is because of you beautiful, strong women, that men like him will eventually be caught and taken down. He'll get his.

Courtney said...

That last comment was actually me- wrong sign-in. :)

Minerva said...

FG - Well done, both for sharing your story and facing up to life afterwards - especially with young children too...This is what makes me so angry - why does it always happen to just such wonderful people?

Zube - Bravo for making your 'place' such a safe haven for other women..I am just more and more impressed...


FG said...

Oh you all are so kind, please forgive me in advance for any typos as I'm crying so hard I can barely see the words on my screen.
I've been checking back here over the past couple of days and just taking it all in - I didn't really know how to respond. Huge thank you's are in order for each person that expressed anger, sympathy, and you that lit the candle - reading that knocked the wind out of me and I appreciated that more than you could know.
I wanna thank Zube Girl to infinity for posting my story here. It was a huge relief to finally type it all up in an email to her - but it really shook me to read it posted online (and to know that at least you people saw this). Law enforcement/the courts etc. truly fucked up this case, but I guess I finally realized that the only closure we sometimes get, has got to come from within. Justice can't always be served.. but putting this out there on the web is quite the verbal vindication that I needed.
Keep doing what you're doing Zube, it's helping to heal the souls of so many. You are the amazing one.

Crazy Like A Fox said...

Unfortunately, this type of thing happens way to often, especially in small towns.

You are both very courageous women and I applaud your strength.

LaLa Lisa said...

Knowing that there's women like Zube and FG out there makes me proud to be a woman. I can only imagine the relief that comes in telling your story and putting it out there. Hopefully, some day I'll know, but I haven't been that brave yet. I grew up in a family where most members believed if you ignored or denied the abuse or voilence then it didn't really happen. I've blocked out a lot of what happened to me and don't think I'm strong enough yet to really try and open Pandora's box. But each time I read a story like Zube's or FG's it makes me feel a bit braver and less alone.

Thanks ladies- we're all better people for having stumbled across your stories.

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