Zack: You know, I'd just like to say something before I go hiding in Dad's shop. It was those DAMN CATS that made me sleep on the couch. They were all coaxing me and shit, saying how you and Dad weren't going to be home for a while and how I should just sleep on the couch like they do. It's almost like they knew you were going to come home from work early.
And I said, "But NO, you guys! I weigh 95lbs, and you only weigh, like 10lbs! Big Ass Dogs aren't supposed to be on the couch!"
But, they wouldn't let up, Mom! I swear. Fucking pussies. I mean, look at 'em!
It's like they planned it. To see me all in trouble. I hate 'em.
Anyway, I'll be over here until you're ready to kiss my ass and say you're sorry for yelling at me. You freakin' bipedals have no idea how hard it is to be a damn canine in a house full of felines. Didn't you ever watch Lady and the Tramp, for chrissakes??? Kitties are fucking mean!
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Aside from being amused by Zack's lecture, I'm kind of sad right now. I'm sad because there are people out there who think I'm a murderer. A fucking murderer. I mean, they didn't say it all straight-forward like; "Zube Girl, YOU are a MURDERER!" To the contrary, they're kind of underhanded about it. They try to poke holes in my story. They project, in a factual tone, about how I'm some moo-cow woman who had herself an abortion at the hands of some fucktard who wanted to make a lot of money. They don't say this about ME. No. They say it about WOMEN WHO HAVE ABORTIONS...Which happens to include, well, me...
But I'm keeping my cool because I'm very nearly SADISTIC with keeping my cool and shit. It's the only way I'll get everyone else anywhere. And when it comes to abortion, it's not all about me. It's about my daughters. And yours. And how I can maybe, hopefully, PLEASE ensure that women have access to safe and legal abortions.
PRETTY PLEASE...
Anyway, I got to thinking, while I appreciate the nomination for Most Humorous Blog over at Best of Blogs, I don't really care if I'm a finalist or not. See, I don't think I'm always funny. Maybe sometimes, but not enough to get an award for the shit. Believe it or not, I've felt pressure to be humorous recently. Not that I've payed any mind to that pressure, but it made me realize that no matter what anyone comes here expecting, I'll post whatever I damn well please. Funny or not. It's pretty kick-ass to have been nominated, and thank you Kyknoord and Spiderwalk; I totally want to hump your leg. Lucky for you, I don't know where you live. Because I would. Totally. Hump your leg.
But, rather than win some award, I prefer folks think I might be the girl in the cubicle next to them who cracks jokes all of the time and survived fucked up things in her life...with her sense of humor intact. Because that girl deserves some fucking credit. Whether she's me or some other chick.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Fucking Bipedals...Oh Yeah, and Again With That Abortion Thing
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23 Leg Humps:
Those are 3 of the laziest cats I have ever seen in my entire LIFE! Poor Zack, misled by the wily felines. Next time he ought to know better than to listen to ANYTHING a cat says. Ever.
It's your blog. Do what you want. That's why we live in America.
Hang in there. A wise man once said "when your head stands above the crowd, people throw stones at it." Actually, as far as I know, that's the only wise thing this certain man said. He was really an asshole. But that's a long and confidential story.
Poor Zack, evil cats.
I've read almost all of your blog, and I see you as much more than "the funny chick". That's way too much pressure to put on someone. No one can be funny ALL the time. And who would want to be??
Just keep writing they way you do, and we'll keeping reading!!
I know what you mean- I was feeling the funny thing too, which meant that I would be distinctly unfunny. Fuck it. You rock. Post whatever you like.
And poor Zack- I'm DYING laughing at him and that face!! The hiding of the head in shame is pretty good, too. Zack needs his own blog, I think. That way, he could totally convince the world of what arrogant, devious jerks cats are.
It's always kind of funny to me how the anti-abortion folks seem to forget there are PEOPLE on the other end of the story who have had to make some hard decisions, and in doing so, they lose all perspective on the issue. UGH. How dare they start that shit with you... want me to go kick them? I'm in a kicking rather than debating mood today. :)
I've been reading you for quite some time and you make me feel so much more free. I love the way you write and who you are. I wish I could be more like you.
And I totally love Zack and believe the cats are EVIL!
I'm with Bonanza...today. We could probably gang up on a few PEOPLE if we tried. Tomorrow after I've had some sleep I'll probably think a little differently.
Post what you like. To hell with the rest.
Ohhhh Zube, those nimrods that cut down abortion could surely never understand; they've never been in your shoes. Pisses me off, bigtime how easily others can judge? A huge hug to you for keeping your cool. I know it isn't easy.
I hope you do make a finalist; yes it'd be pressure but it'd bring you alot more adoring readers too :)
See. Proof again that cats are evil. You keep proving my point, Zube. But I can't believe you allow those felines on the furniture, but not poor Zack! You're nothing but an anti-canite. :P
Don't get sad about those idiots. They're making sweeping generalizations about people they don't know on a topic they know nothing about. As such, they're opinion doesn't matter, and shouldn't affect your happiness. Easier said than done, I know.
Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head
I have one thing to say.......
I am so glad I'm not the only one left in America with their Christmas tree still up.....LOL!
CATS ARE SO SUPERIOR!!!! THEY TOTALLY RULE - clever kitties tricking the poor doggy like that.
I love your blog and I admire you for making it through the crap that you have and to be able to get out there and open the eyes and ears of the public is an amazing thing to do. I admire you, I love your sense of humour and I really enjoy your blog, your hubby, your dog and your very clever, clever kitties.
well at least you tell it like it is,,,as for the girl in the next cube, she does not have a sence of humor and is definatly the devils daughter,,It's the stirup pants that give her away!!!!
Without going into a lot of detail here, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.
I think you'll relate to this in a way, but sometimes when people tell me that I live a 'charmed' and lucky life, I want to give them the whole sordid story.
But I don't.
Every once in a while, I'd love to be acknowledged for pushing past all of the shit and forcing myself to be who I am today in spite of it all.
But, I just keep my yapper shut because most people don't *REALLY* want to know.
Of course, I want to know and am so glad that you write about these things here. I *LOVE* your humor, and I *LOVE* your grace, ya know?
Mostly Risible
My heart bleeds for Zack. I've never seen a dog look embarassed before.
And since you've done so well and not said anything nasty about the fucktard who was being mean to you, I won't either.
Zube, I thing the goal shouldn't be to be funny, which you are, but just to have fun, which you do.
Ha! I will be nasty about the fucktard, even if only in my thoughts. Seriously, some of these people make assumptions that they can't possibly have the knowledge or experience to make. It's a shame. You, my darling, just keep rocking on, as I know you will. I fully applaud and appreciate your efforts.
On a lighter topic, I love it when our little family members get all embarrassed and shit. Zack, in particular, is adorable.
I have been reading your blog for a little while now and I too was all anti abortion how could you kill your child. Until I was 16 pregant and with out a home or way to raise a child. I did what my ex and my mother thought were best and trminated the pregancy. I will tell you I hated absolutly hated myself for years to come. I did every rebeluse unloving thing I could think of I was a private excorte at 18 (not the kind who has sex) into selling/ making what ever drugs made me the most money... I was sure that because I had choosen to kill my child I was doomed to hate my life and my self forever. Well after my mother litterly drug me into rehab and I sobbered up just enough to ralise that I hated myself I was able to stop blamming my self for the abortion and realise I was a little girl myself and should have stood up for my belives but at that time I belived that the love I had for my mother and ex would heal any pain I felt. In the end I had to realise that my child doesn't hate me and is whereever you go after this life; hopping that maybe some day I can make it up there to her/him... I am at the rip ol age of 20 now and 6 month prego with a little girl and couldn't be happier from what I learned. I am now pro choice but fully belive that in case such as mine cousling should be manditory before you take a life. I am only telling you this to let you see that what you did was actully the best thing for you and if you have any tugging guilt in your heart, please don't because we all live a certain path and have to go through the hardest things to make us who we are ment to become. (wow I sound like a old lady or somthing) But you are a amazingly funny person and brave to speak out for what you belive...
Poor Zack. I am such a cat person but I really feel for the 95lb doofus. :o)
I love all of your posts, happy, sad, pissed, funny, sarcastic... they are all good!
Amen on the abortion thing! I admire the fact that you don't shut up no matter what kind of negative responses you get. Good for you!
Junebee- They are SO lazy! Really. Except when I'm trying to sleep. And thanks so much for that link. The article was VERY slanted one way, from my point of view. I appreciate you sharing it with me.
Lisa- Thank you Lisa. :-)
Bonanza- You are right. We both rock. Whether we're being funny or not.
Amy- Wow. Thanks. Though I think you give me too much credit. Thank you for it.
Northern_girl- Yeah. I guess I'd rather not gang up on anyone. I'll just continue being diplomatic.
Momof2- See, what I don't get about the judging thing is that many of these folks are religous, and at least *I* learned in catechism (Catholic religous classes) to 'judge not lest ye be judged.' Or something like that.
Phil- I keep giving you proof that cats are evil, don't I! And yeah, with the idiots. Whatever.
TXSM- I actually took the pictures two days ago, right before I took my dead and rotting Christmas tree down! We're such procrastinators!
Banquo- Thanks! I'm so glad to have you back! I hope you had a nice holiday.
Wallofdenial- STIRRUPS?!?! Lord, what year is that chick living in.
Lysie- I can't tell you how much I appreciate that award. :-)
Risible Girl- SEE! That's kind of how I feel, too. But, sometimes I like to tell people I've known for a while because it kind of makes them go, "Wow. I had no idea. She seems pretty, well, not normal, but..." I think it's important for people to realize that everyone has their shit and most of the time their walking around being brave about it and we don't even know.
Chickie- Poor guy. He was SO embarrassed!
Gary- Thanks Gary. I appreciate you saying that.
Storm- Yeah. I really try not to assume. The whoe 'ass' 'u' 'me' thing.
Kylei- Thank you for sharing Kylei. I think what makes people angry is that I DON'T feel guilty. They think that if I'm not a sobbing, sorry heap, I must be some kind of cold-hearted bitch or something. But, I've made me peace. Just not with them. Because they don't really matter to me.
Amy- If there is one thing I'm capable of, it is NEVER shutting up! Just ask Zube Boy! :-)
Zube - You are a treasure, and a treasure of the best sort. You stick up for what you believe in, and you share your wonderful, zany, heartfelt, emotional rollercoaster of a life with us and we love you for it...
Minerva
Ah, you don't really care what they say. Or at least I hope you don't- because we all love you.
Zube - I heard on the radio a couple weeks ago about some guy who was going to donate a certain amount of money to an abortion clinic for every person who showed up protesting the clinic. Obviously I remember no details, but the concept is great. Just passing it along.
Z-girl...you are not a murderer...you are a survivor. Fuck those people who spout their propoganda to make those whom they know nothing about feel badly about some hard choices they had to make. What I don't get is that they do these things in the name of Jesus?!? I am pretty sure that even Jesus would not have condemned any woman who has had an abortion. It was my understanding that he was a pretty forgiving guy.
Oh...and your animals rock:) Their dialogues always make me smile!
That's what I like about you, ZG. You have sense AND a sense of humour.
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