Wednesday, January 18, 2006

So Cool................NOT!

I’m a world renowned secret keeper. Well, okay. Not quite 'world renowned' but I’m usually real good about keeping secrets. Like when people say, “Hey, Zube Girl…Psssst…I’m knocked up!” I keep that shit to myself. Um. Except for the time when Miss I called me and told me she had a bun in the oven and I was trying to call Zube Boy and tell him ‘cause she said I could, only he wouldn’t answer his damn cell phone because he NEVER freakin' does. And so I decided to send him a text message because he’ll usually call me back if I text him some crazy ass news. The text said, “Miss I is PREGNANT!” And that was supposed to SO shocking and startling that he’d be compelled to call me and ask me about it. Only, he didn’t call me back, and instead announced to the guys in the shop where he works with Miss I’s husband, The Englishman, “Miss I is PREGNANT!” and THEN called me and, well, the fucking secret was out. It was okay, I did a little damage control and stopped the secret in its tracks, and tearfully told Miss I and she didn’t even get mad because she’s cool as shit like that and she has a husband, too. And sometimes, especially when husbands aren't warned, they might just mistake a SECRET for an ANNOUNCEMENT.

That up there was a really fucking long paragraph. I HATE long paragraphs. But, I just couldn't find a good place to split it up. Oh well.

Anyway, other than that time, I’m a good secret keeper. When people TELL me shit and say, “Remember, it’s a secret,” I treat it as such.

BUT, and there always is a but, isn’t there? When I figure out secrets all by myself, I’ll tell that shit to anybody who’ll listen. And that's what I'm about to do. Yesterday, I was sitting around thinking about how, though I prefer mashed potatoes made from scratch, instant potatoes really aren't so bad and they're not NEARLY as much of a pain in the ass to make, when suddenly, it hit me. The secret. I’m going to share it with you because it’s a really important one and shouldn’t even be a secret to begin with. Ready?

There are no cool people. That’s it. No one is cool.

I mean, think about it. There are people out there who profess to be cool and go on and on about being cool, but they’re really just trying to convince themselves that they ARE cool, because maybe other people said so. And there are people that maybe YOU think are cool and all the while they might be thinking YOU are cool or they’re wishing they were as cool as SOMEONE ELSE. It’s like, people think I’M cool, and if that’s not a clue as to how ridiculous the cool label is, ‘cause, PFFFFBT, I am SO FAR from cool, I’m hot. Which, actually I AM hot. That goes without saying. But cool? No. Not even a little. Crawling around on the bathroom floor naked meowing at your cats is a far cry from something a cool person would do. Actually, it's questionable whether or not I was even hot at that moment. I bet I still was. But only a little.

Anyway, since I’ve gone and spilled the secret, we can all stop worrying about being cool now. Okay? If you don’t hear from me for a few days, I’ve probably been kidnapped by the Secret League of the Cool Illusion Perpetuators and they're probably torturing me all Clockwork Orange style. They'll let me go eventually when my body's natural reaction to saying, "There is no such thing as cool," is to throw up all over myself.

18 Leg Humps:

Rich | Championable said...

Throwing up all over yourself is SO cool.

junebee said...

Cool is as cool does. Crawling around naked meowing. Whatever. I gave up trying to be cool long ago. So actually I was ahead of the curve and thus - cool.

Phil said...

Oh come on now. You work at a ski resort, in Colorado, and it's January. Don't try to tell us you're not just a little bit cool with all that snow around.

Echoes in a Nomad's Head

Storm said...

If the SLCIP people get you, it's okay, because I know where their headquarters are, and together with a few others, we can raid them and rescue you. BTW, have you ever seen them? I have, and I swear that one of the members was this kid I knew in highschool. He was always going off on how damn cool he was, but he never convinced me. Figures he'd find his true calling in such a place. Hey, I have an idea, let's raid the headquearters anyway so that we can finally put a stop to this nonsense. Anyone with me?

Storm said...

Oh, and I just read this entry and my comment to Steve (he asked what I was doing), and he told me I'm a dork. I told him that was the whole point, and he laughed and told me I was funny. I think he's a little confused.

He wants me to say that he's cool because when I was sick, he washed dishes for me (which he usually absolutely refuses to do--before I moved in, there were always about five sinkloads of dishes waiting to be washed). I think he's asking for more than the "thank you so much honey!" that he got from me. But as I'm now intent on taking down the SLCIP, I won't do it.

Zube Girl said...

Rich- That's about the ONLY thing that's cool.

Junebee- Because of YOU I'm tempted to believe in cool. :-)

Phil- See, I'm COLD and surrounded by white shit everywhere!!! That's close to being cool, but not quite.

Storm- I am SOOOO with you! I think we should dump a bunch of Butt Biting Spiders on the SLCIP so that they'll bite those people on the ass, and they'll have trouble organizing ANYTHING because their asses will be so swollen with the spider's Ass Swelling Venom that they won't be able to move.

It's a plan.

Happy Villain said...

"Cool" is in the eye of the beholder.

You're one cool chick!


Bonanza Jellybean said...

Brad thinks you're cool. And hot. What a burden you have there!!

And yeah- I know what you mean. Supposedly I'm cool, but if anyone could see me in my fuzzy sheep pants in glasses and hair in a ponytail while I curse while trying to crochet because I forgot how to count, they would CERTAINLY know I was not cool.

PERSONAS may be cool, but people generally aren't. Dogs are cool because they don't have personas. How's that?

Cold medicine is my excuse for the disjointed and crappy comment.

Crazy Lady said...

So you have to carry around your own set of barf bags... Think how cool you would be with Zube personalized barf bags.

lysie6211 said...

I think cats are the only cool bitches.

(My SECRET to instant mashed potatoes...put lots more butter...)

Jen said...

I have never thought I was cool. I think I am more of a dork, but I am okay with that. Dork is the new cool, right?

mothergoosemouse said...

I KNOW I'm cool. And it's because I don't give a shit about what other people think of all the dorky stuff I do. I'll meow with you anytime, but forget the throwing up business; you know how I feel about that.

banquo said...

OH I am SO going to share this theory with my oldest son. He is under the impression that he is so cool he pisses ice cream or some thing. It drives me mad with that "better than you" attitude he has... I hope it is just a phase.

If it isn't he will probably end up acting like that his whole life and never realise that he is NOT that cool and that the fact that he thinks he is "just the coolest" makes everyone want to carry their own barf bags around with them - or do the only one cool thing and throw up on themselves.

I will just tell him that the coolest chick EVA said this - and thats how it is, so suck it up!!

banquo said...

Oh and I HAVE TO agree with Lysie -Cats truly are cool - definitely superior.

kyknoord said...

People with hypothermia are cool.

Lisa said...

Great theory. I think it should then also follow that there are no real dorks. Because that helps me out...

Amy said...

You know what I think is cool? A human being who sleeps whenever they want, has people to change them, bathe them, clean up after them, pukes, farts, poops, pees all over themselves IN PUBLIC... and everyone STILL Ooooos and aaaaaaahs over them. So, that makes infants, babies, and a few toddlers cool. That's pretty damn cool... so my theory is that we are all BORN cool and loose it as we become self-sufficient.

Don't ya think? Hmmm?

Zube Girl said...

Happy Villain- You are right. Maybe NO ONE is cool, and EVERYONE is cool. Ya think?

Bonanza- I know. I wonder sometimes if people would still be thinking I'm cool if they met me, ya know. And you are so right about dogs.

CrazyLady- Uh oh. Now you've got me thinking about Zube Girl merchandise. Heh.

Lysie- Mmmm...butter! And cats are cool. Much to our dismay.

Jen- Dork is definitely the new cool!

Mother Goosemouse- Hee hee. I think we might scare our hubbys if we starting meowing when we hang out. Sometimes boys don't get it.

Banquo- I would LOVE to hear what your son thinks of the throw up theory. Heh!

Kyknoord- Nothing truer has ever been said!

Lisa- Nope. No real dorks either! :-)

Amy- You are SO onto something here! I agree.


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