Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Don't Hate Me Because I Have a Vivid Imagination

If I happened to be at a cocktail party with a bunch of celebrities and Brad was there and he asked me out to dinner, it’d go something like this. I think.

Brad: Zube, please, please, please, PLEASE just go to dinner with me!!!

Z-Girl: Brad, you are just so pathetic when you beg.

Brad: PLEASE!

Z-Girl: Fine. You know, I really need to talk to you about stalking me and shit. It’s kind of annoying. Like the other night…

Brad: Okay. I’ll pick you up at 8:00.

Z-Girl: Oh no, doll. I don’t think so. 8:00 is like a DATE kind of hour. You can pick me up at 6:00. That’s a friendly hour.

Brad: If that’s what you want.

Z-Girl: Actually, I think it’d be better yet if I met you. Much more platonic, you know? Where shall we meet?

Brad: Well, there’s this really cool sushi bar in…

Z-Girl: BZZZZZZZ! Wrong answer. No. I only eat sushi in the privacy of my own home because I’m too uncoordinated to feed myself with two sticks and I won’t eat with my fingers in public. Not to mention that the fast pace and the whole ordering from those dudes right there and watching them make it and not knowing what in the hell to get…No. Far too traumatic for my tastes.

Brad: You’re fucking nuts.

Z-Girl: ME! NUTS!? Well, maybe a little. But you know you love it. And besides, whose the freakin' stalker here?! You're off your rocker Brad. You know what? Fuck this dinner thing. I don’t think Zube Boy would like it too much anyway. And besides, you don't want to get Angelina all pissed off with her being pregnant and hormonal.

Brad: Oh well. I tried. I guess I’ll see you tonight. Could you at least leave the blinds open?

Z-Girl: Seriously, no. But, could you try not to trip over the hose this time? Scared the crap out of me. I fell over while I was putting on my underwear.

Brad: Mmmm. I know.

Z-Girl: Brad, you are hopeless.

Then he'd start singing that song that goes something like, "Hopelessly in LOOOOOOVE with you," and I'd stand there looking all tragically embarrassed. Just at that moment when I'm looking all cute and vulnerable, Eminem would glance my way, and we'd lock eyes.

And that'd be it. I'd be stuck with yet another celebrity stalker.

You know, if I ever get an invitation to a celebrity cocktail party and I ask you if I should accept or not, would ya'll remind me that it just wouldn't be worth the trouble? Thanks.

19 Leg Humps:

justdawn said...

You could pass Brad on to me, Z-Girl...

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Brad Pitt singing Olivia Newton John... I think I almost peed myself.

And Brad does seem MUCH too needy and girly sometimes.

I would appreciate it, though, if you could lead him on long enough to get George Clooney's number for me.

Zube Girl said...

JustDawn- I will gladly do so, only if YOU promise to get George Clooney's # for Bonanza.

Bonanza- I may have to let JustDawn do it. Really, I've been putting up with his ass for far too long.

Happy Villain said...

Wow, I never realized how hard your life is. I mean, have you even considered how many women are probably stalking Brad and Eminem, so there's actually an entourage of people stalking you at any given time. Sheesh!

PaintingChef said...

Fucking celebrity stalkers. I mean...they are SO cliche and yet fabulous bitchiful bitches like us collect them left and right. I mean George! ENOUGH with the always a bachelor sham. You've propsed like FIFTEEN TIMES!

Zube Girl said...

Happy Villain- Seriously, we've had to rent a port-a-potty to put on our .12 acre yard because all of Brad's stalkers are stalking him at our house. It's hard to be me.

PaintingChef- GOD! Is George stalking you? It's so crazy how being a Bitch attracts all the freaky famous people.

Did I EVER mention how much I love you all??? HAHAHAHAHA!

Crazy Lady said...

Yet ANOTHER celebrity stalker??? How many you got girl? And why are you not posting more about them? I really would love to live thru you and your A-list stalkers. All my stalkers are just b-list. So sad.

Phil said...

Ah, so the truth comes out. You were really dancing in front of the window for Brad's benefit. Admit it.

And no, we will not remind you that a celebrity cocktail is not worth the trouble. It would give you such an incredible shitload of material for us to read about!!!!

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Damn- this is how I have to find out George is cheating on me... and with one of my friends. Ain't that the way it usually is??? Fucker.

Storm said...

So if I can't hate you for your imagination, can I love you for it?

Seriously? I wouldn't want Brad stalking me, either. Jason Dohring I could handle, but ONLY if he plays Logan and I can play Veronica. It would help if I could look as hot as her too.

OK, I need help.

junebee said...

Hee hee, that's better than your conversations with Zube-boy. Imagine the humility Brad suffered when you turned him down.

Barbara said...

Maybe if Brad lets you borrow his chauffer, personal assistant and trainer you won't have to blow him in.

kyknoord said...

That reminds me. I've been meaning to ask you to move the damned hose.

banquo said...

Frankly, I think you did the right thing. These celebs can be such a pain in the ass - they are so needy and clingy and spoiled. They always get what they want, and when someone turns them down they get all mopey and shit. And dont get me started on their whining - ugh! Thats why when Matthew started, I stopped him cold in his tracks before he gave me a headache. I dont care if he gave some old cow mouth to mouth or not - those acts dont fool me.

Anduin said...

I love these posts about Brad! It brings him down a few pegs. I used to like him but after he dissed his wife for big lips what's-her-face I've lost all respect for him. THEN to find out he's stalking you too? He's such a loser.

Give it up Brad, Zube Girl is WAY too good for the likes of you.

BANQUO said...

erm, ...HERE! HERE!

Zube Girl said...

CrazyLady-

Phil- Damn. You got me. It's often easier for me to dance with an audience.

Bonanza- Uh oh. I'm sorry you had to find out here! ;-)

Storm- If you ever find an adequate place for help, you may want to bring me along. :-)

Junebee- He's such a drama queen. Believe me.

Barbara- Now THAT might be worth being stalked. If anyone deserves a chauffer, it's me. Though, I'd have to train the trainer to bring me cookies or something.

Kyknoord- Hahahahaha! So that was YOU? Heh.

Banquo- You know, I think you hit the nail on the head. They're SPOILED! That's the problem with celebrities. It's so hard to just be a regular old person. I mean Queen.

Anduin- SUCH a loser. Heh. I wonder if Brad ever googles himself? I bet he'd feel stupid if he found this entry.

rockyjay said...

Thanks for changing my name to 'Brad' to cover my pathetic identity... Thanks for spinning it a good way.

P.S. Can't you leave them curtains open at least once a week, like Fridays?

P.S.S. You might want to reevaluate your relationship with Eminem. Do more research!

Very_Vera said...

I actually stalked Brad Pitt when I went to Cali (is that horrible?) I was eating dinner and I overheard the couple next to me talking about their neighbors brad and jennifer. I sat right next to them with a napkin and a pen - got directions and stalked! Gates were SKY HIGh -saw nothing - but have it all on video.

Its pathetic I know - but I own it so I guess it makes it better.

 

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