Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Clearly, I've Lost It...

My nose is all stuffy.
My eyes are all puffy.

The snot, it is seeping.
The eyes, they are weeping.

The nose is a blowin'
This bitch is a woe'in,
Dammit, where've all my tissues been goin'?
Oh yeah, in addition, I think my issues are showin'!

Fuck. Poetry is FAR too confining for the mood I'm in right now. I'm PISSED. And I have a cold. I am one pissy, snotty, weepy, cold-havin' mother fucker. And also, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself on top of that. Great combo, eh? Anyway...

In a futile attempt to make myself giggle, I'd like to share some photos with you.

I call this one Six Cats Shitting on a Couch...


It's sort of the beginning of a series. Or, would two photos be a series? Maybe a sery? Heh. Whatever. I'm not really sure what to call the subsequent photo, but I'm leaning towards Don't Believe Me? Check the Shit Out!


Okay, it made ME giggle, and that's what's important here, right?

Hey! Wanna buy a duck?

A what?

A duck!

Does it quack?

Of course it quacks! It's a fucking duck!

Hee. Life always feels a little more liveable when you can quote a drinking game. My luck, though, that'll be a game that was only ever played in my dorm room, so none of you will have any idea what I'm talking about.

Ginamonster sent me a little gift the other day from her online shop and now I kind of want to hump her leg. Allow me to introduce you to the newest Soap Stars here at General Mental Ward...




I'm looking for NAMES! I'm all about naming things, and rubber duckies are no exception. So, offer up some names if you're so inclined. The only one I've come up with so far is 'Hell in a Handbasket' for, well, obvious reasons. But, 'Hell in a Handbasket' is far too long a name, AND the basket (c/o Bonanza's Christmas gifty soap, by the way) is actually more of a FINGERbasket than a HANDbasket.

There'll be a soap opera happenin' here soon with the duckies. It will involve a honeymoon rafting cruise and an affair of some sort; I haven't quite meshed out the details. But I'm working on it.

One more thing before I go. Did you know that if you have a cold, and you happen to know and be around pregnant people, you should stay away from them? I know this. Actually, common courtesy compels me to keep my distance from EVERYONE when I have a cold. But, I've been reminded a few times to stay away from this or that pregnant lady because it's EXPECIALLY important, what with the little babies in their bellies and all.

I'd appreciate the advice if I maybe had a hobby of licking people on the mouth and spewing snot on their faces unless otherwise advised. But REALLY? The warning is unnecessary because I'm WELL FUCKING AWARE that me and my germs need to stick to ourselves. Oddly enough, the pregnant people aren't reminding me of this. Other people are. And I KNOW they mean well and I should take it as such but, HELLO! I know! I didn't just crawl out of hole yesterday, okay? Thanks.

Anyway, all of the talk about pregnant ladies and about how I should stay away from them got me thinking that I could've been 8 or 5 months pregnant today...But, uh, I'm not. As if that weren't bad enough, now I'm like a fucking leper who has to stay away from the blessedly pregnant people. It kind of sucks, you guys.

Miss I's kiddo is due by C-section on Friday, and I'm SO scared that my cold will prevent me from going. That little girl is going to be practically my niece. And I might not even be able to visit her.

The asshole in my brain is saying, "NANA-NANA-BOO-BOO! Not even can you NOT have your own babies, but the dieties will see to it that you can't even be around other people's!" HAHA!

Gah DAMMIT! I'm crying again.

So. Not. In. A. Good. Place.

18 Leg Humps:

Becki said...

Damn the cold and the "dieties," just wear a mask...If you miss my kiddo cause of a stupid cold, I'll kick your ass!!!
Oh, and about the staying away from pregos...let the nosies allow those that might be affected worry about that.
Love ya girl and get better. Nobody likes a snotty Zube.

Ginamonster said...

hee hee. I might have to steal your picture of the devil duck to add to the site since I don't have any pictures of those. And that's a good one. And I'm too lazy to take pictures of my own damn stuff.

Feel better. not that you don't make me laugh either way, but do feel better.

Sharon said...

People are too fucking paranoid. I had colds with both my pregnancies and the little brats are still with me. Just don't stick your tongue down their throat and you should be okay. Germs are everywhere, like that shopping cart handle you just used at the grocery store.

That shit just drives me fucking loopy. Maybe pregnant woman should stay in a sterile environment for the full 9 months.
Even then, I bet some of them she didn't wash their hands after they went potty.

I could go on and on about this. Germ phobs drive me crazy.

Now, on the other hand, the newborn I would stay away from.

Ok. I just re-read my post and I think I have anger issues.

Amy said...

I've never heard the stupid "cold" thing around pregnant women... flu, sure... but cold? Dumb. I had a couple of colds when I was pregnant with Maggs and now the whole blogosphere knows how THAT turned out. Gah... what if I hadn't had any? Would she be MORE energetic?!?!

Sorry you are sick and bummed, Zube. The 5 years we tried to get pregnant with Maggie it felt like everyone was pregnant and everywhere I went there were pregnant people waddling about.

Worse yet, I was told (on numerous occasions by numerous people) that I shouldn't be upset because I already had two kids. *jerks*

You have every right to have a pity party now and then, you can't be happy-go-lucky Zube all the time. It's ok, but I sure hope you feel better soon.

junebee said...

Well, that just ALL Sucks to hell and back. Hey, how about the name Helen Back (or Helen Quack) for that red duck?! A red devil duck? Who ever heard of such a thing?

The cat thing is funny. Tee hee!

Hope you feel better soon. I especially hate people who remind others of the obvious. Dumbasses.

Samantha said...

I love the cat shit thing, that is great. I also suck at naming things, and I have no idea what you are talking about with the drinking game. Sorry!

I know it sounds like I had nothing to say, but I just wanted you to know that there are people thinking about you guys and your baby situation. We're constantly "waiting" because life gets in the way, and there is a very real chance that once we stop waiting I won't be able to concieve or carry.

Also, as for the cold thing, just wear a mask. When I came home from the hospital my grandma had a cold, but with the mask I was fine!

Anduin said...

Sorry you're bummin' today. I know how you feel as I was bummin' too.

I like the suggestion of Helen Quack. It's cute.

Crazy Like A Fox said...

Why don't people think before they open their mouths? I've been reading you for a while and you have never hit me as a moron. It's strange that someone would feel the need to tell you something that anyone with a brain would already know.

I hope get to feeling better soon.

Happy Villain said...

1. If I ever give you name advice, DON'T TAKE IT. I have a dog. His name is River. Because he pees a lot. 'Nuff said. I named a blog. I got accused of trademark infringement. 'Nuff said. Me and names... not so good.

B. Pregnant moms and breastfeeding moms should be exposed to colds, right? For to increase the immunities in their blood, thus giving them to the baby, right? Okay, well, I'm not a doctor. And I don't even play one on TV. But it sounded good in my head.

$. People who tell you to avoid pregnant women will wonder what that weird taste is in their drink, but continue drinking it, completely unaware that you shot boogies out of your nose with their straws. For good measure, lick their keyboards and mice. And just for your personal enjoyment, take the handset part of their phone and put it down your pants. When you're done enjoying, reset it on the cradle and then run in another area and call their extension. TELL ME that doesn't make you feel better! Cuz, DAMN, I'm kinda wishing I had a cold so I could do this to some people.

PaintingChef said...

Hugs...lots of hugs my dear. And a giant chocolate brownie. Because I am SO feeling your pain.

Crazy Lady said...

Start loading up on the Zycam - tastes like licking the inside of a rotten cherry, but that crap works! It is the bomb. And then get over and see that baby. If people are paranoid about germs around babies, the poor kids would never leave the plastic bubble

mothergoosemouse said...

I love the poem.

I love the pictures.

Zicam rules.

Insensitive people are assholes. It's winter. People get colds in the winter, whether they are pregnant or not. The unborn baby is not going to get a cold. The mommy will just be uncomfortable, and she CAN take Sudafed. JFC, people.

Ginamonster said...

Don't OD on the Zycam, my boss no longer has a sense of smell from over using the inhaler. which means he also has no taste. heh.

Jinebee, you should see my pirate ducks! and the ones dressed like easter bunnies! someday I will be able to afford to market these:
www.rubbaducks.com
(the minimum order kills em)

Ginamonster said...

um, me. it kills me.

Phil said...

Damn, what are you feeding those poor kitties? Those dumps are about half the size of the cats themselves AND have big ol' chunks of nuts or something in 'em. (yeah, I took a close look . . . so what?)

CoffeeandCigs said...

Colds are three days coming and three days going so as long as you are in the going stage, it should be fine. Of course I have no idea is this is true, but it sounds good and you get what you wants and hey, that is what is REALLY important.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

WOO HOO! The basket's famous!!

OK seriously, I think I'm checking myself in somewhere because I saw the shit and got hungry. Any desire to eat shit, despite how tasty it might be, scares me. :)

Spookie the Warrior said...

sorry Zube. sending you {{{hugs}}}.

 

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