Monday, April 10, 2006

Fuck Pants

I'm SO FUCKING OVER IT with the pants. Seriously. Here's my problem. I have a sweet ass. A sweet, big 'ole booty. And I'm not eensy weensy at the waist or anything, but it definitely pales in comparison to it's counterpart.

And the geniuses who fucking make the Pants Factories don't seem to understand that SOME OF US are oddly shaped. And it would be nice if we didn't have to choose between squeezing our ample bottoms into pants that fit our waist but not our hineys or setting up camp in pants that comfortably house our bottoms but FALL TO THE FLOOR because they're too big for our waists.

From now on, I'm not wearing pants. It'll be my silent little protest. More like a visual protest. Like, if you can't stand the sight of me in my bloomers and my white-ass legs then MAKE ME SOME BIG ASS, LITTLE WAIST JEANS MOTHERFUCKER!

Oh yeah. I've been thinking about becoming a Scientologist. At first, I was like, "NO FUCKING WAY! They're whack-jobs!" But then I thought about it a little and I figured is it SO far-fetched to believe that aliens are the reason for all of our negative feelings? It sounds weird, but then again, so do Pant Shrinking Gnomes and Butt Biting Spiders with Ass Swelling Venom, and I believe in those. So maybe I'll give the Scientology thing a whirl.

Besides, then I could befriend Katie Holmes and ask her if the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre is infested with Lip Stinging Bees that carry Collagen Venom. Because FOR REAL. With the lips? Jesus H, Katie. I could set my beer on those.

17 Leg Humps:

PaintingChef said...

dude. I'm telling you. Skirts.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I think the lip is because Nicole Kidman punched her, but that hasn't made it into the tabloids yet. Maybe celebrities swell in their lips instead of their ankles?

Ginamonster said...

Nellie markets Apple Bottom Jeans. I can't afford them, but I would like to since they are made for ladies like us with our ghetto boodies. (they are sized according to your hip and waist ratio.) THANK YOU NELLIE. F-YOU Old Navy. amen to skirts too.

junebee said...

One day the fashion world will catch up with us real people!

Kylei said...

you can also get apple bottom jeans at discount places like Ross- not sure if you guys have a Ross, most places do-

Phil said...

Um, Zube, ain't there still snow on the ground where you are? Do you really think now is a good time to give up on pants? Maybe you should just invest in some suspenders ;)

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

Crazy Like A Fox said...

I know how you feel with the ghetto booty. I had to go shopping for lard ass pants the other day. I gave up on jeans long ago because the only ones that fit me in the waist and my butt are mom jeans...and I just ain't going there.

When you become a Scientologist, will you bitch slap Tom Cruise for me?

Erin said...

Tom Cruise is a youth vampire... That picture looks like he sucked some crap out of his cheeks and shoved it in her bottom lip....and like she's got a tobacco chewing habit.

kyknoord said...

Donald Duck's WAY ahead of you on the whole protest thing.

Karen said...

LOL girl, you crack me up. Then again, it's 3am, so it could just be from lack of sleep. LOL

As for the jeans, sweety, if you ever find a pair that fits waist, hips and butt, lemme know!

rockyjay said...

Everybody in Miami has big/huge ass, yet tiny waist. They don't seem to have problems of finding pants...

Maybe they have regional differences in pants?

What comes to Scientology, it is so far fetched idea that I can't see how anyone could take it seriously. Then again, they say: bigger the lie, the easier people believe it. (I think nazis said it, and they also proved it).

Not that I am comparing Scientology to Nazis... but, good luck with it ;-)

lysie6211 said...

You know...in Brazil it's very popular to have a big ass. In fact more women get ass inplants then breast implants. So you don't need to be a Scientologist, just move to Brazil. ; ) I might be going there soon since my ass is ever expanding...like my gut...and my theighs.

Gary said...

Watch out for those Scientologists. I hear all the men make their wives change their tires for them. :)

Miss I said...

Dude, I must be the luckiest bitch ever to actually be able to see your ass in person on a regular basis. I say, wear no pants my dear!! Fight all that consumes your ass and your mind..I stand by you and your big ass, next to my NO ASS.. Be happy you have a rump my dear...

Happy Villain said...

I'm with Painting Chef. SKIRTS! And drawstring pants. Maybe the makers of jeans will learn that we're CURVY and they should start designing clothes for women instead of teenagers, because they're missing a huge market.

Um, I wasn't just calling women huge, by the way. It's just a market they're missing. :(

Zube Girl said...

Painting Chef- I would LOVE to wear skirts, but I feel the need to visit a tanning salon first! Though, if I wore skirts, my legs would have the opportunity to get tan.

Bonanza- HA! In that case, I'd like to be a celebrity when I get knocked up for many months!

Ginamonster- I'll have to check out the Apple Bottom jeans! They sound AWESOME! Thank you!

Junebee- It MUST happen someday!

Kylei- I'll have to see if they have a Ross in Denver. Thanks!

Phil- Yeah. There is still snow. Which would frighten people even more because then I'd be PURPLEY and GOOSEBUMPY!

Crazy Like a Fox- HAHAHAHAHA! MOM JEANS! Are they the ones that go up to your bellybutton? Hee.

I will most certainly whomp on Tom. He's a fucking moron.

Erin- I concur! And I have to say, I hope you guys don't think I'm serious about the Scientologist thing!

Kyknoord- That rat bastard! Or, uh, that DUCK BASTARD!

Vixen- Seriously, it HAS to be the 3AM thing! :-)

RockyJay- I need to move to Miami. Can Zube Boy and I shack up with you and your lovely wife until we get all settled? We don't get arrested. Too often, anyway.

Lysie- Let's pack our bags, and our behinds, then girlfriend!

Gary- PFFFBT! Then screw Scientology! Whew! I was looking for an out! I should let Katie know. She needs an escape.

Miss I- I do love the fact that I have an ass. It's the least my body can do for me given the lack of, ahem, OTHER assets!

Happy Villain- Okay, I LOVE drawstring pants! But, I call them buffet pants. You know, because you never have to unbutton the button after dinner. Just go to the restroom and retie your pants. Voila!

Rich | Championable said...

Dude. It took me like, the whole post to realized that you weren't talking about a style of pants called "Fuck Pants," but telling pants to fuck off.

I'm a little slow.

 

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