Sunday, April 16, 2006

Fucking Feline

Dear The Dumbest Fucking Cat I've Ever Met (AKA Zinnia, AKA Baby Kitty, AKA Lard-Ass),

I have a suggestion for you. Not that I can tell you what it is persay, because at the moment you are indisposed. But, when you decide you'd like to eat SO much that you are willing to, of your own volition, come out from under the house, I'm going to forcefeed you this note in the hopes that SOME of the information herein will manage to, by osmosis, find a place to stick in that sieve-like little peanut of a brain you have.

Twice this week you've abandoned the security of four walls for the freedom of the outdoors. I suppose you want to be like your big brothers and sister, but really, I think you're an indoor cat through and through, and it's time you accept that. Running outside and then cowering under the house only makes you look stupider than if you were to act too good for the outside altogether. I'm hoping that from now on, you'll go the snobby route because helpless little shit is TOTALLY unbecoming.

The first time I heard you meowing from under our abode, I freaked out and crawled under there to rescue you. Which, might I add, wasn't very easy what with you running away from me every time I was about to clutch you in the safety of my arms. But, I figured somehow you had slipped outside, realized it scared you stupid, and I was willing to go the extra mile to help you out. See, I've done things once that I didn't like, so I felt your pain. I kind of figured it was a one time thing.

Then you did it again. The very next day. And I have to tell you, not only am I not feeling the sympathy, but I'm pretty well certain that you are seriously stupid. Because see, there's this excellent thing that, for the most part, I allow our four-legged roommates to exercise. FREE WILL. Free will means that if you don't like being outside and it scares you, then you have EVERY right not to RUN RIGHT THE FUCK OUT THERE AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY! Mmmmkay?

Anyway, we're going on fifteen hours now and Zander, Zack, Zoey and I are getting kind of hungry, so I think we're all going to feast on some treats. I'll open the windows because it's a pretty nice day and I figure you're loneliness will be eased by the sound of us chowing down on goodies.

Happy Easter ya fucking dumb-ass.

Love,

Zube Girl

*****************************************************

Dear Zube Girl,

Meow! Mrrrrrrrrrrrow-meow-mow-mrrrrrrrrrr! MEOW!!!!

Zinnia

6 Leg Humps:

Phil said...

Haha! Serves you right for owning that many cats. ;)

Exquisite Chick said...

ROFLMAO!

Anduin said...

My cat did that too. I used lunch meat to lure him out. That worked a couple of times but the last time he got out he stayed gone for 10 days. It drove me nuts and I almost believed him gone until I heard him at the front door at 4 in the morning. Little dumb ass cat. I hope yours smells the food and comes running home begging forgiveness.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Ours does that too- raises hell to go out and then looks stunned when he actually gets 6 inches outside the door. Morons.

60 and counting said...

Cats, Kittens and Pussies all seem to follow a form of logic that is totally unknown to mankind.

junebee said...

If I remember correctly, a few months back, it was YOU that decided you wanted another cat, not a cat that forced itself into your life, with it's wanton ways and all.

 

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