Sunday, July 02, 2006

When Pigs Fly...Or Knock on the Damn Door at All Hours of the Night...

Sometimes, the best way to sum things up is to scream, "Mother-fucking FUCK!" really damn loud.

I think it would be a good idea, at this point, to have my hand surgically replaced with a paintbrush. That would be SO useful to me as we're painting the new house. Inside and out. Ourselves. Actually not ENTIRELY by ourselves. Zube Boy's most awesome Dad is helping us. I'll show you before and after photos when it's all done.

I'm burning my candle at both ends, ladies and gentlemen. And the wick? She is getting short.

The other night, Zube Boy and I were awakened at 1:30AM from a much-needed post painting pass out by a BANG-BANG-BANGING on the door across the street. Where The Dudes live. After a half hour of the nonsense, I poised myself up on the bed and shouted out the window, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING GO IN ALREADY!" assuming that it was a drunk friend who wanted to crash on their couch. I assumed wrongly. After my little outburst, I laid back down only to see a VERY BRIGHT flash light shining in our window and up on the ceiling. In a hushed tone, Zube Boy chided, "Honey, those were COPS, you idiot!"

"Oh shit."

I propped myself up on the windowsill again and saw one of Breckenridge's finest staring right back at me. He didn't say anything at first, prolly 'cause he was so ASTOUNDED by my resemblance to the Swamp Thing that he forgot for a moment he woke my swampish ass up at 1:30AM. I stammered, "S-s-sir. I am SO sorry! Really. I thought it was just one of their drunk friends trying to find a place to crash or something."

He laughed. And I was relieved. I'd imagine they don't like to make a habit of bringing Swamp Thing Lookalikes down to the station, so he let me off easy. Cops are kind of guarded about their donuts and I think I heard something about Swamp Things eating, like, a gazillion donuts a day. Or, whatever.

He actually apologized to me for waking us up and asked if we knew whether or not the owner of the black jeep cherokee lived in the house across the street. I said I thought it was a friend of theirs. Apparently the jeep was suspect in a hit and run. And I was no help at all. But they stopped knocking after that. And I was kind of mad at myself because The Dudes and their dog that they like to put outside at midnight and 6:00AM who barks incessantly have been pissing me off to no end and I'd kind of liked to have seen one of their cohorts handcuffed and shit.

Oh well. I learned my lesson. From now on I'm going to stash donuts by the bed at night and I'll offer them some if I'm ever lucky enough to have them staking out the neighbors again.

And. As soon as the police left? While I was staring out my front window in my black as night living room? The Dudes lights started coming on. Fucking assholes. That guy was clearly trying to avoid having to take a breathilizer. I'm certain of it.

9 Leg Humps:

Storm said...

There ain't nothing like late night disturbances to bring out the swamp thing in all of us. I bet that cop got a good laugh out of the situation though.

Miss Cellania said...

And WE all got a good laugh out of your story!

Phil said...

Oh, burning candles and doing Swamp Thing impersonations is not a good combo. Swamps are a big source of methane. And fire + methane = big problems.

Happy Villain said...

Ooooooooh, why didn't you offer your spyroll reconnaissance mastery? The Swamp Thing camouflage would've been perfect! Darn the painting, foiling your superhero/spy career!

kyknoord said...

Sounds like my kind of neighbourhood. I'm classy, too.

Gary said...

You know what, Zube? I think you would make a great detective.

Kylei said...

hahaha for the first time in my life I don't know what to say -

PaintingChef said...

NICE. That's excellent. You can scare the cops. You know, I think that without meaning to, you've actually done yourself a FAVOR. Because now? You can do all sorts of carrying and zube-ing on in the middle of the night and the cops are going to ignore you completely. Because you're the Swamp Thing. And you'll eat their damn donuts. And they KNOW that shit.

Good call.

junebee said...

Bad girl, bad girl, whatya gonna do when they come fo' you?

 

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