Tuesday, July 04, 2006

You Know What's Stupid?

Pulling a little metal fragment out of your foot and throwing it back on the floor. In front of you.

You know what else is stupid? The fucking weather. But not me. Oh no. I'm not stupid. In fact, I have found the SOLUTION to drought. No, really. I have. I'm like a one woman scientist/spy/model/wet-hair-putter-on-the-shower-waller fucking ARMY. I am. See, the weather up here in los montaƱas has been pretty shitty. Well, it's actually been really fucking beautiful out, but apparently the trees are parched and they need some rain all up in their asses. Or roots. Which is kind of a bad situation when there are trees every-damn-where. Surrounding big ass million dollar second homes with numbskull rich-bitch owners who refuse cut down the trees in the line of fire, quite literally, to their homes because they don't want to ruin the AMBIANCE of their 'little cabin in the woods'. Bitch please. With ten god damn bathrooms and an indoor sauna? I think not. I'll show you a little cabin in the woods. Where you can take a nice undisturbed shit in the little outhouse about thirty feet away. It's the kind of place where people actually used to LIVE but now we only go there for a brief foray and romp in the forest so we can return to our REAL house and take a damn shower already.

Although, true to the nature of a little cabin in the woods, you do only visit YOUR abode briefly. Once at Christmas. And then maybe once in the summer. Because SUMMER? It EXISTS in the mountains? My GOD! HOW COOL! There really IS a Breckenridge in the summertime when the ski resort isn't open! As is evidenced by the ASSLOAD of cars that turned my typical five minute commute home yesterday into a half an hour one. Yes! Summer in the mountains. Wow. Well, just a quick gaperish kind of question for you. How much less do the mountains WEIGH in the summer without the snow? Actually, I'm not joking about that question. Zube Boy was asked that. By a teacher. Who wanted to tell her students. He, after a moment of silence, told her that the scale had been out of order since he started working there. Jesus H. Where's my I Digress MUCH wand? I'd like a cape, too, while you're at it...

I was sayin'? Ah yes. Fire. And danger. There's a little Smokey the Bear sign we see upon entering town that keeps us abreast to the current Fire Danger level. Right now he's sportin' a VERY HIGH warning.

But not for long. Oh no. You know why? Because we have brought on torrential rains since, uh, Friday I think. And it didn't even require dancing naked on Main Street wearing only a big red clown nose. All we had to do was SCRAPE and PRIME our house! Easy peasy. Now? We're stuck with an even SHITTIER looking paint job than what we started out with. Chipped gray with streaks of bright white. Yum. I bet the neighbors love us. They'll love us even more when they find out we rented it out to three dudes. Heh. But that's a whole 'nother post.

Peace out. I'm gonna go dance naked on Main Street with a clown nose to make the torrential afternoon rains go the hell away. Or maybe I'll just watch a parade. And have a beer. Happy Fourth.

17 Leg Humps:

Effortlessly Average said...

Um, hey, is there any chance you're going to be posting video of this little naked-rosey-nosed-rain-dance thingy on the site? Or will you be requiring a $12.95 monthly membership and proof of age first?

And you so f**king ROCK about the million dollar second home statements. I hate rich people. Not as in "ooo I hate it when I find a short curly on the soap" but "damn, the world would be better off if people who call a million dollar house a 'cabin" would just f**king die!!!" Do I sound psychotic? Oops.

Still, I had to be the only person who was giggling his ass off while watching footage of the Northridge fires in Southern California, during which dozens of million dollar homes burned to the ground.

Samantha said...

Does your Smokey the Bear sign have the movable arm that points to the danger level? We used to, but the teenagers made a game of stealing his damn arm, so they gave us a different one. (Ours is extreme from June 1st through October every year. Assholes.)

Storm said...

happy 4th darlin'. Hope it's excellent.

Brad Pitt said...

Please, please, PLEASE can we light some fireworks of our own?

kyknoord said...

You really have it in for your neighbours, don't you? I'm guessing that the infamous "cup of sugar" incident several years back left a scar.

Kylei said...

err and grr but I can't wait to hear about the 3 dudes you rented to...Maybe you finally lost it?


Maybe.....

Kylei said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
PaintingChef said...

dude. pictures. please.

junebee said...

And then when you step on the metal fragment all over again you get pissed off. Again. Been there, done that.

Zube Girl said...

Kelly- I KNOW! (Imagine that proclaimed all snotty know-it-all like) With the million dollar second homeowners? Fuck 'em.

Samantha- We don't have the hand one, but I wish we did, 'cause that sounds cool! However, I'm sure it would get stolen like yours did.

Storm- You too, gal!

Brad- You? Are a hopeless fool. Great. As if I didn't have enough to deal with you stalking me IRL all the time, NOW you're reading my blog! Woe is me.

Kyknoord- I may be one of the evil neighbors I hate. May be.

Kylei- It is ENTIRELY possible.

P-Chef- Soon to come. Definitely.

Junebee- GRRR! I know! I was fortunate that it didn't happen right after I took it out, but it will happen. It's a certainty. Like Murphy's Law or something.

Lisa said...

gah, we had an overtly rainy Fourth here, too. Let me know if that naked dancing thing works. I might have to try it here.

Ginamonster said...

ooh. I feel a rant coming on. off to my blog.

Psychobabble said...

You rented to three males? Do share!

Ginamonster said...

Darling Zube. It wasn't you.

Debi said...

Smokey Bear...no "The" Just do it for me K? Please? I will Love you forever!...yes yes

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