Tuesday, August 15, 2006

An Introsepctive Arteest...Where the Fuck is My Beret...

I got to thinking yesterday. Like, a lot. I thought about this miscarriage business and how it relates to my state of mind these days. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself a little because I have an appointment with a professional in the arena of state of minds about just that today. But still. I figured it couldn’t hurt to make my own attempt at working things through.

I’ve decided to think positive. Now and again, anyway.

Now, before ANYONE dare utter a word of “Oh, good, you should be doing that,” or worse, “It’s about damn time,” save your breath. Or don’t. Nobody ever said I had to like you anyway. But if you’re looking to be supportive in this, please avoid that kind of talk. I’m kind of sensitive about it right now and I wouldn’t appreciate anyone implying that what I’ve been feeling these past few months has been wrong in any way. And you could do that by accident. Remember, sensitive? Just a warning.

The truth is, I don’t think it was at all inappropriate to have taken a little skinny dip in the ever so chilly pit of despair. I think it was right. It was right because it’s what I did. And there’s no turning back. And it was kind of a shittastic amount of shit to deal with. Still is. But I'm considering shifting gears.

See, I’ve decided to try a hand at focusing on having a baby rather than bemoaning the fact that I've had three miscarriages. Because having a baby is the goal, really. I want to have a baby. I mean, having a baby best occurs after not having a miscarriage. But not having a miscarriage is not my MAIN goal. Though that’s the one that has consumed me most.

I’ve shifted my thoughts since, well, yesterday. Yeah. I know. Bear with me. This shift is in its infancy. Heh. That was a horrible pun. Even for me. Or maybe not.

The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is because that’s what a blog is for, no? And I wanted to show you a cartoon I drew. My first baby step toward being positive (again, with the bad pun, I'm on a roll).

Ah, hell. I've never been one to avoid going overboard.

Heh. Someday, I may shoot myself for that. Or probably not.

PS- This post was supposed to go up yesterday but Blogger wouldn't post my goddamn pictures for me until today. So I waited. I went to the therapist. It was awesome. I got in touch with some of my selves. I'm feeling a little crazy again. Whew! That's a relief. This is going to be an exciting journey.

22 Leg Humps:

Molly said...

My therapist always told me that as long as I cycle through my emotions regarding a situation and don't allow myself to get stuck in one place for too long, feeling down is a perfectly healthy part of coming to terms with something. Now, when I'm sad, I also force myself to look at the cycle as a whole. (That's really simplifying it, but I'm sure you get what I mean.)

Do you read this blog? http://julia.typepad.com/julia/

Kari said...

Love the photos. May they come true: babies, smiles, and all! (And tears, screams, tantrums, and celebration of emotions other than positive as well.)

Always being "happy" outside makes for pretty messed up insides. And forcing the happy inside makes the outside just a bit more strained.

Ginamonster said...

I love your pictures. And your attitude. Even when it is bad. Sometimes, it's just good to be a little bad.

Kylei said...

oh man I can see it now Zube having triplets (I am thinking VERY positve for you lady)

Zube Girl said...

Molly- It is so true. We had a brief discussion last night about how happiness seems to go on a spectrum with sadness. Like, the deeper you've delved into sadness, the higher you're able to soar into happiness. I've always believed that.

Kari- True, true! And when I'm dealing with the tantrums (and I will, some way) I'll have to read back on this and remember just how sad I'd been without them. :-)

Ginamonster- You are too sweet. Thank you. Every once in a while I've gotta be a bad girl. ;-)

Kylei- Holy shit! Triplets! You're fucking with me! :-P Thanks for hoping.

Chickie said...

Love the illustrations!

Phil said...

I was always told that when little tiny babies smile, it's just because they got gas. If that's so, then based on those pictures, you better stock up on some scented candles. lol

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

junebee said...

Hey, the twins look alot like Branch and Blossom!

I would never criticize your state of mind or feelings! It's your blog and I can't even imagine half of what you've been through. I think all the readers stick by you because you're so honest and got alotta guts.

Psychobabble said...

LMAO @Phil
I love your drawings Zube

Personally, I know positive is how I *should* look at things, but somehow negative is just easier.

But I'm working on it.

Gary said...

I have read books that say that goals should be stated in a positive form rather than a negative form, so what you are doing now makes good sense to me.

Pinky said...

Can't wait to see pics of your actual babes. (yes, plural) I have faith.

Just remember, getting there is the fun part. After that, it's all poopie diapers and midnight feedings.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

You know, for a second there, I thought that second picture was a drawing of how your boobs are going to look... I was wondering why the smiles were so high. I think this is more of my problem than a reflection of your artistic skills, though. :)

Rich | Championable said...

DAMN those pictures were worth waiting for.

Storm said...

hmmm... I thought the same thing about the second pic as BJ. I think I'm a little obsessed with my own boobs though, so there you go.

Miss Cellania said...

Heh heh, love the drawings. But if you are trying to be positive, why not give yourself some large boobs, too? Or better yet, give ME some...

Al said...

I'm with Bonanza and Storm but I wouldn't have said it first in fear of sounding like the dirty old man that I am.

Ddot the King said...

I'm celebrating my 1 year blog anniversary today and I've made it a goal to comment on everybodys blog that has ever commented on mine. You were one of my firsts! Thanks for being down with the King!

Effortlessly Average said...

Hmmm.. I'm confused by the pictures. Are you saying you want a baby that tries to strangle you while still emerging from what looks like an egg? Or that you want breasts so huge they have heads of their own?

I know, lame. But I couldn't help myself.

Bathtime Gal said...

ROTFLMAO about the 2nd pic, I'm in agreement with BJ...totally though you were showing us a drawing of you breastfeeding....too funny! Of course if you have twins, you'd have it covered, but triplets...yeah, someone will be left out.

I love ya gal...and there ain't nothing wrong with hitting the very bottom of the the whiskey bottle before coming back up again!

BTW - I hope you know who this is, sent ya email 'bout the change!

PaintingChef said...

Your twins look like boobs. But they are VERY cute boobs.

I am sending you love and hugs. Because I'm cheesy like that.

Kylei said...

maybe its selfish but I do miss hearing for you. I hope all is going well in Zube land :)

Monkeybird said...

read through lots of your blog, and love it. Some great writing.

 

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