Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Sorry 'Bout That

My Dearest Husband,

I wanted to let you know that after exhaustive research and careful contemplation, I've decided to opt out of the whole Mushroom Stamp thing. See, when you presented the idea, professing that it was an act of love performed between two people who loved each other, I almost fell for, I mean, considered it. Fortunately I didn't agree to it at the time it was mentioned. The fact that you wouldn't divulge what exactly giving me a Mushroom Stamp would entail, gave me pause to heartily accept your offer. I'd like to thank my good friend, Mr. Google, for educating me on this very thing.

Sorry to decline, but I'm remiss to have a penis-shaped bruise on my forehead, what with working in sales and everything. Particularly dealing with aspiring brides and grooms and all. I'm loathe to shed marriage in any other light than wonderful and sporting a penis-shaped bruise anywhere on my person prolly isn't going to convince anyone that marriage is anything other than, well, a dick move. And hell, I like my job. I might even enjoy it. Sorry to decline your gift. But not as sorry as you, I'm sure, knowing how much you'd like to bestow it upon me. Heh. You're lucky you're funny. You have no idea.

Also, just so you know, I got a little overzealous with the laundry yesterday. Allow me to explain. Your work jacket? Was very, very, very, VERY FUCKING MUDDY. I decided to do the wifely thing and wash it. Because I'm good like that. And wash it I did. It's nearly sparkling now. Squeaky clean. And so is, well, your cell phone. Which was in the pocket. Of your work jacket. Which, did I mention, is squeaky clean? Sparkly even? Right. Moving along.

I'd venture to guess that you aren't as sorry as me with regards to the squeaky clean and also not working so much cell phone. Given your aversion to answering your cell phone whenever I have the urge to call it. Which is often. I think I'm sorrier about your phone than you will be. Which means that I'm sorry. Very, very sorry. It will suck not to be able to ring you up while you're working and ask what exactly IS free enterprise, anyway, honey? Your feelings on the not working cell phone matter will likely differ.

One last thing before I go. Last night? When you planted your ass firmly on my leg and farted on it while I was sleeping? That woke me up. As a result? You will be sorry. I have a whole mess of ice cubes stored away in the freezer with your name on them. I think freezing to death would be a horrible way to go. But that's what you get. My thighs jiggle enough these days without your exceedingly powerful flatulence reverberating against it.

Sleep tight! Asshole. Very, very tight.

Love,
Your Ever-Adoring Wife

18 Leg Humps:

Phil said...

You should totally agree to the mushroom stamp. But, of course, it'd be all the more special if you and Zube Boy got matching stamps, right? So tell him if he gets one, you'll get one :)

Phil
Echoes in a Nomad's Head

Chrissy said...

That is just so wrong.... Absolutely hilarious.....but wrong

Amy said...

OMG a mushroom stamp? That's NOT right. That's as bad as Mike telling me he was going to give me a "pearl necklace" for my birthday.

Assmonkey!!!!!

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I dare you to order this and stick it to your foreheadat home one night... http://www.zazzle.com/product/172089170531937570

:)

Crazy Lady said...

I am so out of the loop. Here I was thinking a mushroom stamp was a cute little 39 cent postage stamp with some happy (maybe even smiling) fungi on them. That illusion is blown out of the water.

junebee said...

Hope he had the extended warranty on the cellphone...

I saw a spot on TV one time about a place where they send cellphones to determine how they were damaged. Usually they don't cover water damage!

PaintingChef said...

See. You get it. People VASTLY underestimate the value of threatened violence as a successful marriage tool. You don't. This is one of the reasons I'm a little in love with you.

Chickie said...

Thanks for enlightening me as to what the mushroom stamp is. I think mushrooms are all cute and stamps are cute and tiny so I wouldn've said yes.

Sex has changed a lot since I started doing it.

Becky said...

I thought a mushroom stamp was one of those stamps that people lick that have like cocaine on them or something.

So I clicked your link and googled it.

Made the mistake of telling my husband what it was.

He now mentions it every 15 minutes.

Thanks. Really. Thanks.

;-)

Al said...

Holy shit, the 'use it in a sentence' from urban dictionary had me on the floor!!!

"Jen was steppin out of line, so i gave her a mushroom stamp."

I love it! I'm definitely using mushroom stamp in a sentence tomorrow!

Gary said...

So how is that deck coming along? How about some pictures?

Moo Moo said...

Hilarious! You are so funny! I wish I could say that to my husband and get away with the freezing thing.. cause if I did that.. he would get me back BIGTIME!

secret said...

rotflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Cellania said...

This is a new one on me. Seems like it would hurt the penis pretty bad, though.

kenyatta said...

I just did an honest to g*d spit take. Thx, Zube. ;)

Pinky said...

OMG!! I've never heard of that. It's so sick, it's funny.

shqipo said...

Thanks for extending my "urban dictionary"! That's hilarious!

Gretchen said...

Coming in late on this...

Wanted to thank you though. My husband and I were out last weekend with one of his friends. I worked mushroom stamp into the conversation. Their eyes bugged out when I told them what it was - hey, they asked...

 

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