Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Listen!

I'm one of those people who's all, "No, no, SERIOUSLY, it's a GOOD SONG! Listen to the WORDS!"

It's kind of ironic, but since Zee Baby made her debut, the local radio station has been playing the hell out of this song. It makes me cry every time. Not in a bad way. Not in a happy way. But in a, um, I don't know, a real way. I love it. But I'm not going to tell you what the song is about because Zee is sleeping and I have only moments to impart my feelings.

Just know that I LOVE IT. And, if you are so inclined, you'll have to listen to the words to know just why.

I love it because it doesn't stand on a soap box and tell you, or me, how to feel.

I love it because it's raw and honest and doesn't hide anything.

I love it because it speaks to me, even though I could never, in a million years, have written it.

I love it so much I want to hump it.

My relationship with this song, as most passionate relationships go, is a Love-Hate one. I hate it, too.

I hate it because it reminds me that I decided to have an abortion all alone. Like, pretty much, ALL ALONE. There was no, "Hey, let's go out for coffee or have a deep talk on a picnic table at the park or let's hibernate in your dorm room and decide what the hell we do about the situation we created together." There was none of that. Sure, there was, "Well, Zube Girl, we will support you NO MATTER WHAT you do, but as your Mom and Dad, we just can't make that decision for you. Or even, really, with you." I was smart enough to figure that the asshole that raped me wasn't going to be much help in making that decision. I'm a smart cookie like that. It was all on me.

I hate it, too, because it reminds me that, instead of a boyfriend, my Dad brought me to the clinic. And people looked at us funny. He being so much older than me. I could feel their assumptions creeping up my back. It sucked. But I don't ever think I'll be able to thank my Dad enough for being there.

I hate it even more because it reminds me that the abortion is MY secret. It's not really a secret anymore. I've told the whole damn internets about it. But it's mine. My decision that I made all by myself. I'm a little bit of an idiot because I force myself to see the positive side of that. At least I didn't have a boyfriend who disagreed and wanted me to do something else. But 'at leasts' don't assuage the craptasticness of the situation completely. There will be no ex-boyfriend writing a touching song about my abortion.

I hate it because I could never have written it. Not in a million years. Because it just wasn't like that for me. Even though it kind of was.

Now that Zee is here, I've been thinking about stuff. Choice being one of them. I've often wondered at how, surprisingly, the miscarriages, rather than making me less Pro-Choice, made me more so. They made me realize just how personal my ute is and how nobody else needs to be getting their nosy asses up in her proceedings. I figure other people are entitled to feel the same.

The other day, Zube Boy returned home from work. He walked over to say hi to Zee, and at the sound of his voice, she broke into a huge grin and waved her arms and kicked her feet. It was the very first time she acknowledged so gleefully her Daddy coming home from work. A tear did stir in mine eye. And Zube Boy was beyond thrilled, whisking her up and hugging her. It was nothing short of awesome-tastic. A scene I'm sure I'll be able to replay in my mind's eye for many years to come.

I reflect on that moment a lot. I think about how different my life could be. I often hear Pro-Life folks lamenting the children that will never be because of abortion. I can't help but think, well what about the children that wouldn't be here if it weren't for abortion? Because Zee is one of them. And when I see such joyous interactions between her and her Daddy, there isn't a doubt in my mind I made the right choice, albeit a difficult one. Children deserve to be swooped up and showered with kisses by their Dads. Or their Moms. Whether it's one of each or two of both. They deserve loving parents. Zee has that. I could not have provided that for the child of my rapist.

The song reminds me just how difficult it was to choose. And how lonely it felt. But, as with all difficult things, we get through them. And sometimes we don't know their purpose until many moons later. Like, maybe eleven years, three months and some days.

11 Leg Humps:

Sharon said...

Thank you.

Everytime I look at my son and daughter I'll be glad that they ARE here. If I hadn't made the choice I made, my son, for sure wouldn't be here now. And, he is the bestest, sweetest 14 year old boy a mom could have.
I feel so much better because of your words. You took the burden I've felt off my heart. Even though I made the right choice for me, I still feel bad for not knowing the child I aborted. I don't live with regret, just for not knowing that person.
I love the babies I did have.

Miss Cellania said...

Awesome post, Zube.

daftladybird said...

I think this post, particularly the "what about the children that wouldn't be here if it weren't for abortion" argument, is brilliant. Wow. What on earth could the "pro-life" side (as though any of us are anti-life, geesh!) say to refute that? I can't think of one damned thing.

J said...

Isn't it amazing how one small little life can make you feel things that may have always been there but could never come out. Children are wonderful and magical and can fill your soul- and they deserve to be treated that way. Sometimes I don't think that people against abortion don't realize that every child deserves to be wanted and what a tragedy it is that some are not. You are one tough cookie, Zube girl, to write this post. Thanks.

Fidget said...

my miscarriages reinforced it for me too

JacqueFromTexas said...

What on earth could the "pro-life" side (as though any of us are anti-life, geesh!) say to refute that? I can't think of one damned thing.

I can. But I'm not sure it will be welcomed. I hope you'll delete this comment if it's not welcome.

The response is simple:

Basically, there's a difference in never being created and being killed. Abortion is not uncreating a baby. It's killing one that's been created. Because you kill one child and go on to have subsequent children that you don't kill doesn't mean that those children wouldn't be alive if it weren't for the death of the previous. They may have not been conceived, but no law says that because you abort one, you must abort others.

And suppose a child is concieved 3 months following a first trimester abortion of another child. Yes, he/she wouldn't exist if the other child wasn't aborted, but he/she wouldn't EXIST, because he/she was never conceived. If one parents or places rather than aborts, she can't get pregnant for the duration of her pregnancy, and that child couldn't have been conceived. But then there's the value judgement of why the child that was allowed to live is more important than the one that wasn't, because the only difference between the two children is timing or parentage.

I've heard this argument before. "If I didn't abort at 15, I wouldn't have went to college, met and married my wonderful husband and had 3 children with him. So aborting that child means I have 3 more."

Maybe she wouldn't of met and married her wonderful husband, (then again, maybe she would have) and in that case she wouldn't have conceived those 3 kids. Perhaps she met someone else and concieved 3 other kids, or 6 other kids. But to say that killing one child saved other children is absurd.

I bet it's impossible and almost painful to imagine a life without your new bundle of joy, and odds are that you wouldn't have created her had you not aborted- because all human beings are unfathomably unique and that one in a billion sperm had to meet your DNA to create the one-and-only Zee. If anything though, her uniqueness and preciousness doesn't justify killing other children, because they are also unique and precious.

Zube Girl said...

jacque- Please know that I only delete comments that try to solicit the biggifying of my boobs. Or my non-existant penis. I've left incredibly assholey comments up. And your comment was definitely not assholey in any way.

To be honest, and this sounds like such a cop out, but I just can't respond as I'd like to. Moving, not sleeping, working, and a bunch of other stuff are taking up all of my brain.

But know, I do understand what you are saying. I have thoughts on it, but I just can't tackle it right now. I shouldn't even be blogging to be honest! Bad Zube!

JacqueFromTexas said...

Yep- the most common solicitations I get are penis enlargers and ink cartridges. Between the two, I'll take the cartridges.

I look forward to your response if and when you might get around to it. I can imagine you have your hands pretty full and are still on a sleep deficit. :)

Anonymous said...

My dad took me to the abortion clinic. And I hated that he had to see me that way, and share this part of my secret. We sat inside, pretending we didn't hear the protesters. And my dad died a few months later, and I never got to tell him 'thank you' or "i'm sorry". Meh.

Kristin said...

You have some VERY good points in this blog. I was forced into thinking that abortion was what needed to be done giving the circumstances. I hated the thought, and a couple of days before my appointment my body must have known I wasn't okay with everything. I miscarried instead.

I still have so many what if's. It was such an accident that time, and now in order to get pregnant I nedd so many treatments. Reading you puts all of my faith back into God and the fact that maybe someday I will have a child!

lzymzy said...

You have a gift for speaking from your heart in a way that truly touches mine.

I've struggled for years with my choice, even though I knew at the time I was making the right one for me and the father. Above all I knew he wasn't ready to be the parent I knew my child deserved.

Now, 13 years later, I am married to that same man, he is ready, I am ready, but my body doesn't seem to be. I've had two miscarriages in the last eight months. I hold every hope that I will have the same good fortune you came by.

In the mean time, I take extreme pleasure in the parental joys of my family and friends.

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.


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