Sunday, October 07, 2007

Reach Out and Touch My Hiney, Er, Or, Someone...And, Flashback, Turtles...

Whenever I get off the phone with Bro, Hoot, or My Belle, I say, "I love you." And they say, "I love you, too." Or maybe vice versa and they say it first. But, and here's what's interesting, at least if you're me, I only say it when I'm out here in Colorado. When I'm visiting Jersey, seeing them every day, I don't say it. And neither do they. Noteworthy as well, they've told me that sometimes when ending a conversation with each other, they'll say, "I love you." And there's a little hesitation. And they'll laugh and say, "So, have you been talking to Zube Girl?" I think it rocks that, one, we're in the habit of saying, "I love you," and two, they slip up and say it to each other though they see one another all the time, and laugh and blame it on me. What can I say, sometimes I like to feel important. Yup. You heard it here.

That might have been consequential. Or inconsequential. Or a little bit noteworthy. Or unremarkable. I don't know for sure. Anyway...

The other day I was talking to My Belle about babies and such, a topic we've covered quite exhaustively lately, both having recently been mothered.

This conversation, as some conversations with my sisters are wont to do, ended in tears. Not tears of sadness. Not really tears of happiness either. More like tears of goddamned love and appreciation like you've never seen. Or heard. Or felt careening down your cheeks all wet-like and filled with gratitude. They were some tears I tell ya.

We got to talking about January and how scary January, and pretty much all of the subsequent months, were for me. And for everyone, really. My Belle, pregnant as well, called me at the hospital, crying, and said, "It should be me, not you. You don't deserve this." I told her, "No, no, no! Don't say that! No one deserves this!" And no one does.

She also told me that she went to our Mommom's grave the next day. And begged her to take her baby, if one had to be taken. And to let mine be okay. I don't even know how to pack those words with the emotional punch they deserve. The selflessness of her graveside plea is astounding to me.

When the conversation ended, and the tears were nearly dry, she said, "But Mommom gave us both of them." And she sure as hell did.

The thing is, what I've been thinking about, is how in the hell did my siblings and I end up being like this? And by 'like this' I mean, we love each other. And keep in touch even though I live far away. I talk to my brother and his wife if not every day, every other. And maybe sometimes twice a day. We talk about our little girls and hockey and aren't people assholes, ourselves included? And I talk to Hoot just as often. And she is my absolute voice of reason. Fucking fair as hell Libran that she is. I call her when I want to know if I'm being a heel. Or if I'm right. I prefer to hear the latter, but she pulls no sisterly punches. Which, to be honest, is quite sisterly of her. If I'm being an ass, I at least want to know. I talk to My Belle every morning at 9:15AM her time, 7:15AM mine. We compare notes on how our respective babies slept and what milestones they've accomplished since the prior morning's phone call. And sometimes we cover topics that make us cry.

I stumbled upon this video on a message board I frequent. Aside from the first bit, where I don't THINK, but I really hope she isn't singling out abortion as something women regret, the rest has reduced me to tears. Every. Time. I. Watched. It. Which, I won't even tell you how many that is.

The part of the video that especially gets me is toward the end where a smiling, giggling even, woman is holding up a sign that says, "Surrogate for my sister." And my sisters offered that after all of the miscarriages. Both of them. Wow. When I said, "That's too much to ask," they said, "We want this for you as much as you do. Would you do it for us?" In a fucking heartbeat I would. In a fucking heartbeat. But to think that someone would sacrifice for me like that? Astounding.

I just don't get how this happened. Why do I love my brother and sisters so much? Enough to talk to them every day or so. I wonder, did my Mom and Dad have something to do with it? Cultivating this sibling love? If so, how? I wish I knew the recipe for No, Really, I Genuinely Like My Brother and Sisters. I want to duplicate it.

Maybe we're just four people who were born to like each other. A lot. Maybe it was a crapshoot. And we ended up lucky. If that's the case, I hope it happens like that for my kids.

If I'm so lucky to have another one. Or two.

Speaking of my kids, have I mentioned that we're going to start trying again in February? The soonest my doctor will approve after me having a c-section? We might be jumping back on this horse soonly. Or soonish. Or really fucking soon. I'm sure you've all immediately deduced that we're anticipating problems. And while, at 32, I'm not necessarily getting old in the childbearing realm, it took us two years to get from 'trying' to 'having a baby' this time. And I'd love to have three. And two years (at least) times three is six. Last I checked. And 32 plus, at least, four, is 36. Math sucks. Because it's so unbending and, well, mathish. But, I also think that once diapers are OVER, I might not want to acquaint myself with them again. So bring 'em on. All at once. Before I realize how nice it is when they're over.

So, now that this post has come full circle, or full squiggly line more or less, I have a question for you. How do you feel about your siblings? Do you have advice? Do you hate them? Adore them? Think they're cool? Think they don't suck? Think they do? Any input as to how any one of those scenarios, or others, might be brought about? Are they too much older? Too close? Just close enough? Or, or, or? It's something I've been wondering about recently. And I'd love to hear others' thoughts on it. Because it's honestly a fascinating subject.

And just because I haven't posted a pic of Zee in a while, I'd like to add one of my favorites to date here...

By the way, we are at an Irish pub in Denver. Yes. We're those people in the bar. With a baby. With three older local gentlemen who TOTALLY admired Zee and her perfect Irish name. And I don't think I look particularly fabulous. But I love the photo for some reason. We visited the pub after our perfectly respectable family date to the aquarium...

Where The Turtle met some turtles. Among other aquarium residing residents.

All part of our big Denver getaway. Which fucking rocked socks. And really hit home for me, after our few months of 'Ships Passing in the Night' familyness, that we are, in fact, a family. I might've shed a tear or two during the weekend upon realizing that. Whew. I was pretty sure, but now I know. And I think I'm too far out from breastfeeding to blame the emotional outburst on hormones. I hope.

10 Leg Humps:

serap said...

What a beautiful post. Just wanted to say that I have 1 sister, 5 years older than me, who I absolutely adore. We had hard times growing up, esp her, which made our relationship struggle. But then we grew up, realised that we have each other, and are now very close. 7 years ago she got breast cancer and was so, so brave. I offered to be her surrogate too, but 2.5 years ago she had a baby boy naturally... he is the love of my life!! I'm so proud of her it makes me well up when I think of how lucky I am to have such an amazing sister.

Thanks for the pics, they're lovely!

Virginia said...

My sister is 6 years younger than me. While we didn't always get along as kids, we are best friends as adults. I love her so much. I know that we would surrogate for each other.f

Amy said...

You have this wonderful way of not taking anything for granted. I think that's beautiful.

And, you know the drama I've gone through with my sister, and how much it hurt... we are talking again now, but, it's not the same. That hurts too.

I can't figure out which one of you Zee looks like more - we need a family photo with all 3 of you!!! You three must make a stunning family.

Stan said...

You are lying , you know you look fabulous in that picture.. it is so cute! You know how I feel about my siblings obviously, I am searching for the recipe so Stan and his(not in a long time) brothers or sisters will get along as well as we do and would do anything and everything humanly possible for each other to be happy. I love you!

Stan said...

oops that was supposed to be from me not Stan the man.. oh well he loves you too!

PaintingChef said...

I sometimes forget how lucky I am to have such a cool family. To have parents and a sister that I not only truly love but that I genuinely LIKE. I think they are really great people.

But it takes something like this post to remind that... yeah, I'm lucky too.

Also? I would TOTALLY take me baby to a bar.

mothergoosemouse said...

So you went to Denver? And didn't contact me? Hmmm.

Observing the sibling relationship between my girls is enough to bring on those kind of tears you described. They may fuss and fight, but the love is always there.

Anonymous said...

My sister is 11 years younger than me. We were very close when she was a little girl and I was still living at home, drifted apart some after I graduated high school and moved out of the house, and are just now starting to become close again. I am 25, she turns 15 in a couple of weeks. Right now she is going through all of the drama and turmoil of being a teenager, and it breaks my heart. I wish she'd believe me when I tell her that it does get better, and someday she'll look back and laugh, but of course she has to get through it like we all did and figure it out for herself. The age gap between us is difficult sometimes, but I'm starting to see the relationship we're going to have in a few more years when we can relate to one another as adults. I can't wait. I adore her.


junebee said...

I have one brother and one sister. We've all been very supportive of each other over the years and there's never been any animosity even though some of us have had more in our lives at different times than othes. My brother works in the entertainment industry but has not gotten into the egotism that abounds in that field.

My sister and I remain very close and in fact she and her daughter will be visitng us next week.

It's great to have such wonderful sibling relationships, isn't it? I was so glad when I found out we were having twins. Hopefully they can appreciate each other as much as the Citizen and I appreciate our siblings. The Citizen has one brother (this was before the 1-child policy in China) and the Citizen always opens his e-mails to him "hello, dear brother" or something ending in "dear brother". One of the reasons I decided the Citizen would be a good match for me is that he was close to his brother just as I am close to my siblings. Great post, thanks, Zube.

Anonymous said...

Cookie girl from Flo-Town

I loved your post. As you know I don't have a sister but three brothers. It is wonderful to see my three brothers grow closer as they grew older. They would fight like animals when they were younger, but now they are very close. Some of the best times is the four of us meeting for dinner and just hanging out. I would always make them say I love you, even infront of their friends. Now they are the first to say it.

I always wished for a sister but now I wouldn't trade my brothers for all the sisters in the world. My youngest brother is getting married nest year. He is giving me the best gift, a little sister who I adore.


designer : anniebluesky : / graphics : AmyD :