I'm Here...And Humble...

My life as a mother is still so colored by my miscarriages. Not necessarily the sadness of them. But the fact that I know, having had them, that other women struggle to have a baby, too. And some are in the midst of that struggle. And it breaks my heart.

There have been times when Zube Boy and I have been seated in a restaurant with Zee Baby. The hostess will attempt to seat a couple near us. And they'll ask to sit somewhere else. Sometimes I'm tempted to get all, 'Dude, my kid is totally well-behaved in restaurants, at least for now,' on them. Okay, maybe I actually have gotten all motherly proud like that to Zube Boy. But then I get a little sheepish. And I wonder if maybe it isn't the fact that my baby might misbehave that makes them want to sit elsewhere. Maybe they're trying to have one, too. And it's hard. Fucking hard. Maybe I was one of those people. Yes. I was.

I'm remiss to 'show off' Zee Baby. Ever. When I'm at work on Sundays, Zee randomly joins me. It's difficult as HELL to find daycare on Sundays! A problem I am lucky as hell to have. Anyway, I try NEVER to get all goofy grinned, Tee-hee, isn't my baby CAH-UTE! while checking people in to the screechy tune of her "MA-MA-MA-MA!" I AM proud glowy Mom, when people ask, and go nuts over her, but when they don't, I maintain whatever professionalism I can in such a situation.

I just never know who might be struggling in my midst. And I KNOW how that feels. Actually, wait. I DON'T know how that feels. Not anymore. I can try to remember. But I can't fully FEEL what it's like to stare the what if's in the face. What if? What if I NEVER carry a baby to term? What if I'm NEVER a mother the conventional way? What if I'm NEVER a mother?

I don't know how that feels anymore. And while I thank goddess every day I DO know what it's like to be a mother, I am a mother. I'm no longer able to say, "I KNOW how you feel. And it sucks." All I can say now is, "I used to know how you feel. And it sucks." Even writing that feels crushingly arrogant. But I hope no one takes it that way.

I don't know. I've been thinking about this a bit lately. I do pipe up when people dote on Zee. I let them know she was hard-earned. I also let them know how I was entirely NOT relaxed. Because if I can help in ANY fucking way, I would like it to be by dispelling that whole fucking 'JUST RELAX!' myth. That one. Ugh. Fucking hated that one.

Nothing about my pregnancy with Zee was 'relaxed'. Not her conception. Not unless one could consider taking my temperature every morning and timing sex 'relaxed'. Not about her early weeks in utero. When I thought I was miscarrying her, too. Thought I HAD miscarried in fact, and took all the cold medicine in the world to rid myself of the non-crying-induced sniffles. The curable ones. Not during my entire pregnancy. Bleeding for the first 20 weeks, bedrest for the next 16. Naturally, I only share these things when I deem it appropriate. Because I am the Queen of Propriety. Ha! Not a chance. But, really. I just want people to know, if they're thinking of asking their niece-in-law when in the hell she is planning to have children, rethink that please. And don't tell her to fucking relax if she responds, "Well, it's hard." You just never know.

I pray like fucking hell that those of you who want babies join me where I am now. Be it through luck, medicine, adoption, all of the above. Some of the above. Don't lose hope. Until you're over it. And you'll know when you are. And I don't blame you one tiny bit if where I am now distances us a bit. I can't fully understand it anymore. But I do. I'll hold your hand. And I'm grateful for our friendship.

Well, like that made a damn bit of sense. I'm feeling sleepy. And introspective. And out. Peace.