My Directive...

I sent this e-mail to my family...

In the event that I am ever in a Permanent Vegetative State, or incapacitated in any other way and kept alive only by artificial means (feeding tube, respirator, ad nauseum) it is my wish to be allowed to die peacefully. In addition, and just for the hell of it, I would like for a restraining order to be filed against the damn government and religious/special interest groups so they may not interfere with my dignified passing. I refuse to become a poster child for anyone's political/religous cause, when I am unable to voice my opinion on said cause.

I'm kind of joking, but kind of not. Print this out and tuck it safely in a file in the event that anything should happen before Zube Boy and I get our wills together and the judge doesn't believe you.

Love,
Zube Girl-The Smart Ass, Who Would Kind of Appreciate Being a Smart Ass from her Death Bed

You Must Meet the Zube's...

Zube Girl. That is moi. I am the main character 'cause I'm egocentric like that. And it's my fucking blog! Why yes, as a matter of fact, that is a penis balloon I'm holding.


Zube Boy. He keeps me sane, and drives me crazy all at the same damn time! He loves me, jeeps, and me. And, yeah, I love him, too. That's why we're so perfect together.


Zee Baby. AKA Cora Jane, Zee. This is my hard earned baby. The one that stuck around long enough for me to be ready for her to come out. She was born May 16, 2007 and my world was forever changed. In a good way. And a sleepless way. But she is absolutely worth it.

****Update****

Bee Baby. Zee now has a new little brother, Bee AKA Keenan! Keenan Michael was born on July 30, 2009. We are all smitten with the little guy, but most especially smitten is his big sister. I couldn't be more thrilled that they adore each other so. And Keenan is just as sweet as can be.

I think he fits right in with our motley crew!


Zander. He thinks you're stoopid. He thinks I'm stoopid, too, so don't feel bad! Like right now, he's thinking, "What a fucking idiot; she can't even spell 'stupid' right. It's a shame my human is such a moron...Ah well. Her lack of intelligence is conducive to my diabolical plans to take over the world."


Zack. The silliest ass dog to ever live. He likes cookies and chocolate cake, so if you've ever got any of that laying around, he'd love to visit. He's a bit too dim to take over the world or anything, but he's quite stealth when it comes to eating baked goods after I've just put them on the counter and turned around.



Zinnia. This cute little shit has the dubious honor of being the newest member of the family. We'll see how well she handles the hissing and womping of the older sibs. She seems tough as nails, so I'm willing to bet she'll fare well.

I'm a Blogger Now.

I don't feel any different, really. Hmmm...

100 Things About Me

1. I decided to do this ‘100 Things About Me’ thing because I read some others and I felt like I was having coffee with the folks who wrote them. And damn do I love coffee.

2. I'm putting this in my March archives, and linking to it, 'cause I think that if people read it, they should really, you know, care or something.

3. I’ll be damned if I know where to start.

4. I was born in Bermuda, but I’m an American citizen because my Dad was in the Navy. I always thought that was hella cool when I was a kid. Still do.

5. When my youngest sister, My Belle, was born, I was 10, my brother, Bro, was 8, and my sister, Hoot, was 3.

6. I was walking on my Dad's back as a youngster, and had a toy drumstick in my mouth. Dad's Mom, my Mom Mom, who happened to be visiting, quipped, “She’s going to fall and jam that thing down her throat.” Soon as she left, I fell and jammed that thing down my throat.

7. Growing up, we had to finish all of our dinner, or we wouldn't get dessert. Mom and Dad decided that we could choose three things we didn't like. My three things were stuffing, brussel sprouts, and pizza.

8. I kept all of my stuffed animals in my bed when I slept. I didn’t want any of them to know I had a favorite. I can’t even bring myself to tell you now which one was my favorite.

9. I had a recurring dream when I was little that there was this banana guy with a top hat and cane dancing and singing in the corner of my bedroom. It was one of those dreams where I felt like I was totally awake, and I would try to scream, but wouldn’t be able to. It was terrifying. Fucking Banana Guy. And even worse, try being a six-year-old explaining just how SCARY that banana guy is to your Mom.

10. Bro wouldn’t play Barbies with me. We came to a compromise, and played ‘house’ with matchbox cars. We’d name them, and they’d have kids and stuff. It was really fun. Much more fun than Barbies as a matter of fact. My favorite was a gold beetle bug named Audrey. She was fucking bad ass.

11. I used to decline playing with my friends so I could help my Mom with my little sisters. To this day they tell me I’m like a second Mom.

12. I am the second oldest of nineteen grandkids on Mom’s side, and the oldest of nine on Dad’s side.

13. My Mom is one of seven kids, and my Dad is one of five.

14. I would love to have a million kids, but I’ll settle for three.

15. I can’t wait to get started on those three.

16. I’m trying to be all organized and sequential about this. I’m finding it difficult. So, fuck it.

17. My Mom has a photo of my brother and me when we were about 5 and 3. We had woken up at 5 in the morning, and decided to go outside and play in the sandbox. Mom woke up and panicked when she couldn’t find us. She finally found us outside. I had gotten my brother all dressed. Pants, t-shirt, and sweatshirt. I, however, was in my underwear. Even today, I find it easier to take care of others than I do to take care of myself.

18. I love my family something fierce.

19. I am a Jersey Girl, through and through. I am almost too proud of it.

20. I hated Jersey when I lived there.

21. I moved to Colorado when I was 24.

22. In Colorado I came to love Jersey. And Bruce Springsteen. And Bon Jovi.

23. I never had big hair. I hated the fact that a can of Aquanet wouldn't keep my uncooperative bangs all swooshed up on top of my head.

24. When I look at photographs of my friends and I in eighth grade, I’m glad loopy bangs eluded me.

25. My brother got beaten up once outside of a bowling alley. He looked like the elephant man.

26. I sat outside of that bowling alley every night for the next couple of weeks. I thought that if I could find the guys who did it, I could beat them up right back.

27. I was so angry, that I truly think I could’ve.

28. I was staunchly Pro-Life as a teenager.

29. Then, in college, I was raped and got pregnant. I am now staunchly Pro-Choice.

30. The anniversary of my rape is January 21. I usually take the day off, and get a massage or go shopping. I cry a little every year, too. I often wonder if I’ll ever not cry on that day.

31. This past year, on the ninth anniversary, I was crying and Zube Boy caught me. I said, “I’m sorry I cry about this every year.” He hugged me and said, “I’ve been with you for the past four, and I’ll be with you for the next fifty. And you probably will cry. And that’s okay.” The man is gold, I tell ya.

32. When I turned 17, I didn’t want to get my license. I was the youngest in my class, and all of my other friends already drove me around.

33. When I finally decided I wanted to get it at 17 and a half, I was all geared up to take the test, and my Mom realized she forgot her insurance card. It was hard to convince all the other kids at school that I hadn’t failed.

34. There were times in college when I was so severely depressed, I considered suicide.

35. I imagined my funeral, and the sadness of my family members and decided I couldn’t do that to them. I lived for them for a few years.

36. That didn’t stop me from imagining that I was an innocent bystander killed in an armed robbery. Then, at least, I could die, but not by my own hand. Which somehow seemed better. What can I say. I was depressed.

37. A few years later, I was an innocent bystander in an armed robbery. Something about having a gun two feet from my head made me realize just how much I wanted to live.

38. My life did not flash before my eyes, however. All I could think about was the last time I’d spoken to each of my family members and whether or not I’d told them that I loved them.

39. I am naturally blonde, but I dyed my hair red for seven years. I’m back to blonde now.

40. My Belle loves when I tell her the story of when she first came home from the hospital as a baby. She fell asleep on me, and I wouldn’t move, because I didn’t want to wake her up and make her cry. I always tell her it was love at first sight.

41. There’s this little boy who lives down the street, and he always knocks on our door and asks us if we need our weeds wacked. I think it’s so cool that he’s out earning money. He charges us $5.00, but I usually give him more. I’d never tell him that he’s a terrible weed wacker.

42. I always buy at least one thing from all of his school fundraisers, too.

43. I’ve learned that kids have a hell of a lot of fundraisers these days.

44. I dated a guy, whom we’ll refer to as Assface, when I was 23. He was, well, an assface. A month after we moved in together, he lost his job, and his two kids moved in with us. Suddenly, I was thrust from singledom into supporting a boyfriend and his two kids.

45. He was emotionally abusive. But, he told me I was lucky because he didn’t hit me, like his Dad hit his Mom. I kind of believed it.

46. One might say my self esteem was suckful at best back then.

47. One day, this barely audible voice inside me said, “You deserve better.”

48. Fortunately, I listened.

49. I kicked him out and adopted a cat. I decided that Alexander the Cat was more of a man than any other I’d been with thus far.

50. Alexander got really sick and almost died. I was sure this was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to be with any man.

51. A part of me thinks that Assface had something to do with Alexander getting sick in the first place.

52. Alexander is fine now.

53. After I kicked Assface out, he proceeded to sell drugs out in front of my house.

54. I decided that moving to Colorado would save my life. It did.

55. There are angels. I do not doubt that one bit.

56. And ghosts. I know this.

57. I threw a big 'Going Away' party for myself and gave away all of my shit.

58. I packed what was left in my little geo prism and Alexander and I headed for the mountains.

59. When I arrived in Colorado on December 30, 1999, I had $40 to my name.

60. Zube Boy and I were not destined to start dating until a little over a year later, but we realized after dating that we were at the same New Year’s Eve party the second night after I moved here. He remembered me because when the clock struck midnight, someone broke my dress strap giving me a hug. I stapled it back together because the bar couldn’t find any safety pins. He thought I was pretty.

62. My Mom's Mom and I have a very special bond. It seems to have transcended death.

63. I used to dust her knick knacks as a kid for $2. They were stored in a cedar display case, and I loved the smell of it.

64. A month after I had moved to Colorado and found an apartment, I stood in the middle of the kitchen, and started to cry. I looked up and said out loud, "Just what in the fuck am I doing? I'm all alone here. I don't know if I can do it." As soon as I said it, I was overcome with the scent of cedar. There was nothing cedar in the apartment. I said, "Thanks Mom Mom. I was feeling quite alone for a minute there."

65. She also came to me in a dream after she died. Among a zillion other comforting things, she told me that I'd have three children.

66. I once had a dream that Zube Boy and I were sitting at a dinner table with two boys and a girl. The girl was the youngest. If this pans out, I'll be freaked.

67. You know what? I won't be freaked. I think I'll be dissappointed if it doesn't pan out.

68. My Mom sends me colored maple leaves every fall. We don't have those here. It makes me cry every time. In a good way.

69. Zube Boy and I had our first date on January 8, 2001. I knew on that day that he was the guy I would marry.

70. I never wondered if he would call. He just didn't make me. Nor did I make him.

71. We moved in together after dating for only two months.

72. But, didn't get married until three and a half years later.

73. It was not all sunshine and flowers. In fact, I would say it was fucking hard work.

74. I believe that if you're not scared shitless even a little bit at the prospect of marriage, you're not fully cognizant of the promise you are about to make.

75. I kissed him first. We were arguing about politics because he's a Republican and I'm a Democrat. I figured there was no other way to shut him up.

76. When I was on #25 of this list, I was like, "Jeebus, I can't think of 100 things." Now I'm thinking, "Oh shit. I only have 25 more."

77. I have never seen Zube Boy cry.

78. This makes me kind of sad for some reason.

79. Instead of an engagement ring, I got 'Engagement Cabinets'. They are fucking lovely. Knotty hickory. Yum!

80. He actually bought me an engagement ring a month before the wedding. I call it my 'Anillo de Compromiso' which is 'Ring of Compromise' in Spanish. Because Engagement Cabinets are just way too cool.

81. Our wedding cost ~$4,500. The only thing I didn't do myself was the food. I've been told by 105 of the 105 people there that it was one of the best weddings they've ever been to.

82. I was totally afraid the whole thing would be a huge disaster. It wasn’t.

83. I don't think I'll ever be too old to hear my Dad say he's proud of me.

84. I love myself.

85. I always had, but stopped for a while. A few years ago, I missed loving myself. So, I started again.

86. Zube Boy is my #1 fan. And I am his.

87. I have gone public with the rape and abortion in the hopes that I can help other people. If it were not for Zube Boy, I wouldn't have.

88. Every morning when I drive to work, I'm still shocked by the beauty of the mountains.

89. I live in Breckenridge, Colorado. For those of you who are non-skiers, it is a ski resort. And I do not ski. Or snowboard, for that matter.

90. I love off-roading.

91. If Zube Boy and I can laugh our way through marriage, I think we'll do fine.

92. I dated myself for about a year. I was a great date. And, it was cool because I always put out.

93. I would not have married Zube Boy if he liked George Dubyah.

94. We are remodeling our home.

95. And, I don't mean that we are living with construction workers. I mean that we ARE construction workers.

96. I had a loooooooong life before the 'Love and Marriage' part came along. So did Zube Boy. And we're cool with that. We're two whole people joined together, rather than two half people trying to make a whole. I love that about our marriage.

97. I collect watering cans.

98. I have lots of plants.

99. My sisters and Mom and I have the same flower tattoo on our ankle. We did it as a spur of the moment thing when they came to visit me one year. Mom picked it out.

100. I can't believe I'm done.

The CAWOW! Series

CAWOW! stands for Cool Ass Word of the Week! Supposedly, each Sunday I choose a new word. It's actually a little more sporadic than that, but fuck it.


The Original: Twee
Dulcet
Pulchritudinous
Propitious
Spinky starring Chickie
Ambulatory
Pernicious
Transcendental

Enjoy, you smartasses, you!