Sunday, January 15, 2006

It's All About the Queendom

During the winter, Zube Boy and I have opposite schedules. I'm mostly busy during the week getting ready for and booking ski groups, and some weekends when really big groups arrive, and he's mostly busy during weekends dealing with the ski groups I book, and many, many other people, too. It kind of sucks because it means the winter months don't leave much time for us to hang out, but we more than make up for it in the summer when our days off once again coincide and we go camping and four-wheeling and dining together to the point where we're batshit crazy with one another and looking forward to the winter.

Anyway, this means that most Saturdays and Sundays, when I'm not working, I'm left to my own devices. Sometimes, it's actually pretty fun. I like to prance around the house and pretend I'm the Queen! And the animals are my Royal Subjects. Please, do not misread ROYAL subjects to be anything near LOYAL subjects because each and every one them would drop me like a flaming brown bag of feces if someone else were to throw ground beef their way. That's what makes them ROYAL. It's all about the diet.

I thought that some of you might be curious about how a Queen spends her time, so I've decided to share with you.

A Day in the Life of a Queen...

6:45AM - Get out of bed and make coffee for the King. Even though the King should be making his own damn coffee, the Queen really wants some, too, and she takes the time to add cinnamon. Besides, it's nice to send the King off properly because he does such a great job of polishing her crown. All hail the King! In case you are wondering, the reason the Queen does not sleep in is because she knows that in order to appreciate having the palace all to her herself, she must be awake. DUH!

7:00AM - Having sent the King to work and brushed her teeth, she decides to practice her Karate Kid-esque stance and kick. A good Queen knows that at any point in time one of her Royal Subjects may just need a swift ass kicking. And practice makes perfect.

7:05AM - She notices that her Karate Kid-esque kicks are causing quite the fur-storm. Not because her kicks have come into contact with a canine or feline, mind you. The tumbleweeds exist because the royal cleaning crew has been nowhere to be found for the past week. Fur-like tumbleweeds annoy a Queen to no end because royalty thrives in a pristine environment. So the Queen decides, though vacuuming is beneath her, that she will vacuum anyway because breathing cat-hair fortified oxygen is even MORE beneath her.

7:30AM - Resume practicing Karate Kid-esque kicks.

7:45AM - Prance to the bathroom. And leave the door open. Because nothing pleases a Queen more than to sit on her throne, all home alone, with the bathroom door wide open.

7:46AM - Throw soap and wadded up balls of toilet paper at the Royal Subjects, whom apparently have NO regard for a pissing Queen's need for privacy. Fucking Royal Subjects.

7:47AM - Realize that practicing Karate Kid-esque kicks serves NO purpose whatsoever when kicks generally need to be executed while sitting on the throne.

7:50AM - Practice kicking the Royal Subjects' asses while sitting on the throne.

8:00AM - Close the bathroom door. After crawling on hands and knees hissing at the Royal Subjects until they retreat, all the while laughing heartily in their own feline way at a Queen on her knees in the bathroom hissing.

8:10AM - Take a shower. Pull out loose hairs from upon her royal head and stick them to the shower wall. Because really? Some Queens are kind of gross. Much to the dismay of their kingly partners.

8:20AM - Wrap herself in the biggest towel EVAH! Send a little verbal thanks out into the ether to the King's Aunt and Uncle for giving the best towels in the world as a wedding gift.

8:30AM - After putting on make-up and sticking her hair up in a bun, unbrushed...again...wrap herself tighter in big ass towel and squish boobs together. Imagine what a drop dead gorgeous Queen she would be with bigger boobs.

8:31AM - Wink and smile coyly into the mirror.

8:40AM - Put on royal flannel pajamas. After, of course, generously distributing lotion on herself. Particularly in areas where dryness is an issue. No Queen needs a chapped ass.

8:45AM - Sit down at the royal computer and empart her queenly knowledge upon the world. Giggle endlessly at the thought of herself as a Queen Bitch. Imagine what her bitchy friends are doing this wonderful weekend. Wonder what would happen if folks no longer e-mailed wethreebitches at yahoo dot com to beseach the words of wisdom she and her Queen Bitch friends have to empart.

9:45AM - Hop in her royal carriage, after putting on sweatpants and a sweatshirt, to go to 7-11 and buy a little teeny $5 bag of kitty food because if there is one thing a Queen WILL NOT do, it is go to the grocery store on a holiday weekend to hang out with a bunch of freakin' gapers.

10:00AM - Vow to return to the palace as quickly as humanly possible because DAMN that chick at the register sure as HELL has no idea that she's dealing with a Queen here.

10:15AM - Feed the Royal Subjects.

10:30AM - Give the royal computer another go. Share an exhausting day in the life of a Queen. Or rather, a half a day. Because, as a Queen, some things are best left a mystery. Or a secret.

21 Leg Humps:

junebee said...

Wow, the royal subjects sure put up with alot of humiliation! No wonder they'd switch loyalties for a handful of ground beef.

I find first thing in the morning is WAY too early for ass-kicking. I prefer to practice my ass-kicking later in the day. But to each queen her own.

Storm said...


I stick my loose hairs to the shower walls, too. Hee. Drives Steve nuts too.

Phil said...

Well, at least your royal subjects would require something substantial like ground beef to change their loyalties. All it'd take for Duncan to turn his back on me is a single Cheez-It.

Now, not meaning to imply that Her Queenship is being anything less than truthfull, but do you really expect us to believe that any female, especially a queen, is capable of showing in a mere 10 minutes? And then follow that by drying off & applying makeup in another 10 minutes? I mean, without something like Brad Pitt waiting at her front door giving her incentive to hurry?

Echoes in a Nomad's Head

Lisa said...

wow, I'm exhausted just reading that! Is a Queen's work never done? And I'm so impressed that you would get up so early on your day off. Of course if I had a King worthy of coffee from the Queen, I might do that too :-)

Rich | Championable said...

"Pull out loose hairs from upon her royal head and stick them to the shower wall."

"Pull out loose hairs from upon her royal head and stick them to the shower wall."

"Pull out loose hairs from upon her royal head and stick them to the shower wall."

I'm just. So. Stuck on that.

ITS said...

I just got here via Championable to see what the fuss is about.

For me, finding loose hair that belong to somebody else, by the drain, is a traumatic experience. But on the wall, it would definitely be grounds for divorce.


Happy Villain said...

OMG, I do the hair on the wall thing too! And, if I'm feeling playful, I fashion them into shapes, sometimes obscene ones. Just like making pictures in the soap scum that's built up on the glass shower doors. This is probably why no one visits me.

Your ROYAL morning sounds great but it takes me about 5 hours to get up the energy to do half that. Must be the cinnamon coffee.

Chickie said...

"Pull out loose hairs from upon her royal head and stick them to the shower wall." Hey! I do that too! You know, you can move those hairs around to make some neat patterns for the King to examine later.

Amy said...

Seriously, you crawled to close the bathroom door while hissing at your cats? You are so lucky you are married because you are REALLY close to being "the strange spinster CatLady who lives down the street" you know? ;o)

Anonymous said...

You see, now in my Queendom, I am so much the Queen that the King gets up and* gets the coffee, then closes the door of the Queens roayl bed chamber and keeps the little princes all nice and quiet so that her royal-highness can sleep late. Cause he knows that if she doesn't get her beauty sleep he will have to hear again about how she had to carry the little princess around for 6 years and do everything for them - even wipe their butts and that is is now her turn to be treated like royalty and if he doesn't want to wipe my butt - he better just get the coffee.

kyknoord said...

And I thought MY schedule was hectic.

Spider Walk said...

You're a Kick Ass Queen!

Anonymous said...

I stick the loose hairs on the wall, too! Well, heck, you can't just leave them on your fingers, and it's bad for the drain, so what to do? I wonder if we all thought we were the only ones that did that, and also the only ones to make pictures with them? :)


Crazy Lady said...

It must be a queen thing. I also stick hair to the shower wall. Let the king have them for his viewing pleasure.

It's good to be Queen!

Olivia Twist said...

Yes, that is very true about the hair on the wall. You can make some awesome pics. I have some on my blog! They are at the bottom of the page when you go to my blog...they're FABULOUS. :-)

gigotti said...

I always wondered how modern day queens spent their day. Thank you for the wonderful insight, now I know how to undermine my queen when she pisses me off!!!

Zube said...

Junebee- Yes, I'm sure they think I'm a crazy cat lady. There isn't a doubt in my mind.

Storm- Every once in a while, it's nice to piss them off a little. :-)

Phil- Oh, what you don't understand is that MUCH of our time in the bathroom is spent squishing our boobs together and winking. Or, uh, at least me, anway.

Lisa- So busy. See, my King doesn't really NEED coffee in the morning like I do, but it makes him happy. And he makes me happy plenty, so I like to do it for him. Plus, I HATE sleeping in. I feel like I'm missing out on stuff.

Rich- It's catchy, ain't it? Hee.

ITS- HA! I might gross you out with lots of other stuff, too. Yikes!

Happy Villain- It must be the cinnamon. Definitely. I am so glad I'm not alone with the hair thing. I think it's partly the reason we lock the hallway door to our bathroom when we have guests and only access it from our bedroom. There is a perfectly clean, un-assaulted with hair bathroom for guests. Heh.

Chickie- Okay, I'm going to have to try the picture thing. It'd be fun to make little hair boobies, no?

Amy- I am MORE aware of my crazy cat lady tendencies than I'd like to be!

Banquo- You have such a good king. Kings are awesome sometimes!

Kyknoord- Pfft...You've got nothing on me! Not that I'd really have any way of confirming that or anything. :-)

Spiderwalk- That's right! :-)

Maya- I felt like I was the only one. We should start a club.

CrazyLady- Kings should RELISH the fact that we care so much to entertain them with shower are, eh?

Tablefor4- Okay, I am heading there right now, because I have GOT to see these pictures.

Gigotti- Ah, but see, soon you will fear the Queen! You'll see. ;-) Fear in a GOOD way, of course.

Julie Marsh said...

You are killing me - that is hilarious! I'm so with you on the tumbleweed - hence my resolve not to acquire any more animals. At least until MY royal subjects can vacuum.

PaintingChef said...

You so know that we ALL do the hairs on the shower wall thing. Its just whether or not you wad them up into a big hairball and throw them away afterwards or leave them there for the next unlucky soul.

Because if we DIDN'T do the hairs on the wall thing, we'd all be taking a shower/lower leg bath...

Cyclist At Large said...

But wait - if you don't stick the hairs to the shower wall, where else are you supposed to put them? Let them go into the DRAIN so you have a hairy, soggy, dirty mess to clean out?

NOT putting your hair on the shower wall is totally gross.

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