Some More Things...Or, Exactly 100 More Things...Circa 2007

Because the other list is aging.

1. Dude? Is, like, my favorite word.

2. I have a cousin. We're five months apart. She's always been my best friend. We call each other Bubbaloo. It started one drunken evening when we were returning from down the shore. We still call each other that. Our husbands think we're crazy. Sometimes I call her when our song is on the radio. Runaway Train. Only we changed the lyrics. Runaway Brain.

3. I have another cousin. He and Bro and I hung out all the time. When we found out My Belle was knocked up too, he sent me an e-mail.

hey think about it. three cousins all the same age. all i have to say is i think this has happened before. rule#1. hide the beer. rule # 2, hide the pot. rule#3, no living in the basement. if everyone follows these three rules the little ones should avoid the perils three other cousins close in age came to experience. oh yeah just because this joke hasn't been used in awhile; rule#4 no michael jordan posters.

I have 97 more things to write. Perhaps I'll tell the Michael Jordan tale in one of them.

4. After my junior year in college when I was all sad and depressed, I moved into my parents basement. My college roommate, D (who is due to have a baby in August, Woot!), lived with me. My cousin, Bro, D and I fucking rocked that basement. Suffice it to say that at the end of the summer when I was about to go back to college, my parents decided to clean the basement out and were surprised to find hidden among all of the basement crap empty beer box after empty beer box after empty beer box. Hee. That was a really fun summer despite my sorrows.

5. I love all of my cousins fiercely. I hope Little Zee experiences the same loving loyalty, though she likely won't live near her cousins. I worry about that.

6. Little Zee, whom we called The Turtle while she was chillin' in the womb, actually makes a turtle face quite regularly.



It's nice to know, after the fact, that we nicknamed her so appropriately.

7. Right now, I'm wearing a t-shirt with dribbled formula all over my left boob and sweatpants with spit up on both legs. I'm such a Mom. It's a great feeling.

8. I want so badly for Painting Chef to get knocked up with a keeper, it hurts. Infertility is not fucking fair. I don't know why I got so lucky while others are still in wait.

9. Little Zee squeaks. Only when she squeaks, it doesn't really sound squeakyish. Zube Boy's sister pointed out, she sounds like a pterodactyl. It's awesome. And appropriate. Since her room is covered in dinosaurs.

10. At night, I like to leave the little lights above the stove on. It annoys Zube Boy because those bulbs are special and expensive. But, he lets me get away with it because he knows it reminds me of sleeping over my Mommom's house as a kid. She did the same thing.

11. I have one memory from when I was about twelve. I was delivering papers on my bike. It was raining. I was at the furthest house on my route. The house was way, way back from the street. I comtemplated just throwing the paper in the yard. But I didn't. I walked all the way up to the house and tucked it inside the screen door. For some reason, my twelve year old self told me I wanted to remember that moment for the rest of my life. And I did.

12. Being pregnant somehow managed to shrink my ass. That bums me out. I had a sweet plump ass once upon a time.

13. When I was about sixteen, I went shopping. I was trying on a purple suede skirt and a colorful sheer blouse. The salesgirl was black. When I came out of the dressing room, she proclaimed, "Damn, girl! How'd you get an ass like that? You got a black girl bootie." I blushed. And bought the outfit. I've been strangely proud of my Zube Booty ever since.

14. The diversity in my little town sucks. There are a few black people from Africa who live here. But not many Americans. There's the one guy who works at the liquor store. And another who dj's. I worry about raising Little Zee in a not so diverse place.

15. I work with a guy from Senegal in Africa. His wives live over there. We argue the merits of having one wife or two. I tell him Zube Boy says one wife is enough. He tells me two wives can talk to each other and bother you less. So far no one has won the debate. Different strokes. Though, I do believe Zube Boy would argue that having just one wife who lives in another country is ideal. So maybe we both win.

16. While we're on the subject, when I was in fourth grade I brought a baby name book to school. My friends and I spent some time looking up the meaning of our names. Melanie, a black girl, looked hers up. It said, "dark and melancholy." She said, "I'm not melancholy!" I said, "But you are dark." All the other white kids gasped and looked at Melanie. She laughed her ass off and said, "That's true." I didn't get what the big deal was. Were we supposed to pretend she wasn't dark?

17. It kind of annoys me when people say they're color blind. But I don't feel like it's my place to be annoyed. I mean, if you're color blind, it also seems to me that you'd be blind to the obstacles people of color face.

18. My head is kind of spinning from going back and forth between past and present so quickly. It's not a bad kind of spinning, but a good kind. Like, when you're a kid and you spin around in circles until you get so dizzy you fall down giggling. It's like that.

19. In my dreams, I've always had two boys and a girl.

20. Sometimes I think, though, that having another girl would be cool. Hoot and My Belle are my bestest friends and I'd like that for Zee. But, then again, so is Bro. I'd like that for Zee, too.

21. My favorite number is 21.

22. Sometimes at work, I'll say I'm in a bad mood. And then I laugh. I'm never really in a bad mood. When someone at the front desk pisses me off? My boss knows they must be a real asshole.

23. I had three miscarriages and only missed three days of work. After the third miscarriage, I said I needed some time to myself. I took off three days. I hate missing work.

24. I tried breastfeeding. It was hard. Really, really hard. One night, while Little Zee was crying and hungry and I was crying and feeling dejected, I decided, fuck this. My kid wants food. I can't get it right with the boob. Breastfeeding is healthier, this I know, but it can't be healthy, the two of us sitting here crying. I gave her formula. And when she looked so sweetly up into my eyes while downing her bottle, I knew that I'd made the right decision for us.

25. Really, I wanted to breasfeed because it was cheap. When it wasn't working, I was surprised by how let down and inadequate I felt.

26. My brother and I were formula fed. My sisters were breastfed. Mom says my brother and I never got sick, while the girls did. I know it's just anecdotal, but it makes me feel better.

27. I live at 9,600 feet altitude. This means that you actually DO have to follow the high altitude instructions when you're baking.

28. It also means that when I go down to sea level, I can outdrink the best of them.

29. The song, "Lean on Me," makes me cry every time I hear it.

30. So does "Leather and Lace." That was Zube Boy's and my wedding song. It is totally us.

31. When My Belle went into labor, I was astounded by the urge I felt to run to her. I don't know if it was because she's my sister or because she's the baby. Or maybe it's a combination.

32. I'm in love with you. You who read me. I still can't believe so many people were out there supporting us during the miscarriages and difficult pregnancy. Those who've been around for a while. Those who are new. Those who lurk. I go back and read your comments from the day Little Zee was born and after and cry. It's an "I Appreciate the Everloving Shit Out of You" kind of cry.

33. A girl named Becca commented here. She had three miscarriages and is pregnant with a baby girl. Her first keeper. I think about you Becca. I hope you're doing well. Feel free to let me know when that baby girl makes her debut! And also feel free to send me a photo of her in her "Worth the Wait" onesie.

34. The instant Little Zee was born I knew that I would walk, hop, skip, somersault, cartwheel, or Zube dance to the ends of the earth for her. I knew that before, even. But I didn't FEEL it until a couple of weeks after she was here. I felt like a really shitty Mom because of that. I swore I'd never tell anyone. But I decided to share it after all. It's not abnormal. It doesn't make you a shitty Mom. It's just that people who do experience it usually keep it a secret because they think they're all alone. And they're not.

35. I really and truly didn't believe I'd have a baby. Not even on the operating table getting prepped for my c-section.

36. Zube Boy and I were prepared for our baby to be relatively quiet after the c-section. Maybe a couple of squeaks. The nurses said that c-section babies are sometimes quiet after they're born because they haven't gone through the exercise of birth. When Zee emerged, she screamed her little fucking head off. It was the best gift she could have given me.

37. Zube Boy said I heaved a huge sigh of relief when I she let out her wail. The biggest he's ever heard.

38. Sometimes I'm still shocked to find that I have a baby. But I never doubt it at 4 in the morning when she's hungry.

39. When Zube Boy and I drive long distances, I do most of the driving. I like driving. And I can't sleep in the car anyway. It works for us.

40. I think writing my first list of 100 Things was easier.

41. The day before Little Zee was born, I bought a pumpkin pie because it was Thanksgiving on the Sopranos and they were eating one. I wanted one, too. I headed out 10 minutes before the grocery store closed and brought my prized pregnancy craving home. I was dismayed to find that it had to bake for 70 minutes and cool for two hours. I decided to make it the next day.

42. The next day, I had a baby. On the way to the hospital at 4AM, I wondered to Zube Boy if I would still want that pumpkin pie when I wasn't pregnant anymore.

43. When we came home from the hospital, Zube Boy had made the pumpkin pie. It was indeed yummy.

44. But not as yummy as I'm sure it would have been if I were still knocked up.

45. I'm wondering if you're still wondering if I'll tell you the story about the Michael Jordan poster.

46. The whole time I was pregnant, I would never read pregnancy or parenting magazines in the waiting room of the OB's office. And it kind of sucked because the only other magazines they had were sports. I found a People and an AARP magazine buried among the others. I read the same ones at every appointment.

47. I just went in for my six week check-up and I starting looking for my old standby magazines. Then I remembered that I had a baby. A healthy baby. And I could probably start reading parenting magazines.

48. Sometimes I wonder if my blog is less of a blog and more of a book. With an ending. I'm not sure if I've sort of come to the ending.

49. I think James Gandolfini is hot. Or, wait. No. I think Tony Soprano is hot.

50. I stopped watching The Sopranos after they killed Adriana. I loved her. And it was the last of a bunch of things to piss me off.

51. The first of which was the fact that Jennifer Melfi's rape was never addressed. Not even in subsequent seasons. I guess I sort of projected my own baggage onto the show.

52. The second was that Ralphie wasn't killed sooner. I hated that asshole. I guess I was supposed to. I was so fucking mad when he killed that poor stripper girl. Fucking cock.

53. I have on DVD the episode where Tony finally killed Ralphie. I've watched it many times.

54. I wanted the Sopranos theme song to be the entrance song into our wedding reception. Zube Boy vetoed that. Maybe that was a good thing.

55. The opening credits remind me of home.

56. I went to the grocery store on Friday after my c-section on Wednesday. People were shocked. I felt great.

57. We took Little Zee and went out for cheesesteaks on Saturday. Zee was four days old. When people asked how old she was and we told them, they tsked us for having her out so soon. We started lying and telling people she was two weeks. Some people still tsked. Fuck 'em.

58. When my Mom was here a couple of weeks ago, I thought she would be holding the baby 24/7. She didn't. She helped a lot, don't get me wrong. But what was kind of cool and what I didn't expect was that she enjoyed watching me be a mom. Now that I think about it, it makes sense.

59. When I was little, I cut my own hair. Then I told my Mom that the girl down the street did it because I didn't want to have to hang out with her anymore.

60. For some reason, I'm thinking I may have already put that story in my first 100 Things. But, I'm too lazy to look.

61. I know for a fact that I mentioned my Mommom coming to me in a dream in my original list. She told me I'd have three kids. What I didn't mention, and what I'd never told anyone because I was afraid to say it out loud, was that she looked sad after she said it and added that there would be problems. And indeed there were. I can say it out loud now because Zee is here.

62. During all three failed pregnancies, my Mommom visited my dreams again. Each one revolved around me being hugely pregnant or in labor. I thought each time that it meant that pregnancy was the one. She never visited me during my pregnancy with Zee. In retrospect, I think she was giving me hope that though that pregnancy would fail, I would someday have a child.

63. After the six week ultrasound with Zee, and being told by the doctor that her heartbeat was a little slow and we'd have to check again in a week, I went out to my car and stood there for a few minutes. I worried that I was doomed to lose her, too. Then, from deep inside, I heard a voice. It said, "I am strong. I am strong. I am strong." over and over again. At first I thought it was me. And I said, "Yeah, um, not feeling so much the strong right now." It wouldn't be shushed. I finally realized it wasn't me at all. It was Zee. I clung to that moment the whole time I was pregnant.

64. Zube Boy can't stand paisley bedspreads. Or flowery ones. This is severely limiting to my inner bedroom designer. We have a tan suedish bedspread now, and lucky for us both, I dig it, too.

65. We got a new king bed a few months ago. It is so high, I have a step stool to get into it.

66. I probably don't really need the step stool anymore. It was imperative when I was hugely pregnant. But, it's cute and I don't feel like moving it. So I still use it.

67. My friend in college had a life sized Michael Jordan cardboard stand up thing. She was obsessed with Michael Jordan.

68. Heh.

69. When we were little, ahem, and big, we always had to call our Mom if we were out and about and an ambulence siren went off, so that she would know we were okay. Sometimes, even now, 2,000 miles away, I still call my Mom when I hear an ambulence.

70. When Mom was visiting, she took Zee for a walk. An ambulence siren went off. She called me at the office to tell me that she wasn't sure if I was as crazy as her but she wanted to let me know that she and Zee were fine, despite the ambulence driving up the street. I told her that, ironically enough, the ambulence was heading to the hotel for my coworker who suddenly lost part of his vision.

71. This same coworker crocheted Zee a blanket.


He's, like, this huge former college football player guy. I think that's rad.

72. He's okay. Seeing some specialists right now.

73. My brother and my cousin used to come and visit me at college. We'd go out and get wasted at all the college parties. I had a blue sleeping bag with pink elephants on it and they used to fight over who got to use it. It was fucking funny.

74. Our renters came by to pay the rent after Zee was born. I asked one about his father, who found out he had cancer just months before. He said that he had died a couple of weeks before. I told him I was so sorry. He said, "One life ends and another begins," and pointed to Zee. I thought that was very wise and very stoic for a 20-year-old who'd just lost his father to say.

75. Zube Boy changed Zee's first poopy diaper. We were in the hospital and I couldn't move my legs yet. Those first poops? Are nasty. He was so brave.

76. Okay, so someone, I'm not naming names, might've sauntered across my friend's college dorm room in a drunken stupor and decided that the best place to take a piss was on a life size replica of Michael Jordan.

77. I'm afraid I might have built that story up to be funnier than it actually was. But what's funnier is having a Michael Jordan poster inexplicably displayed at someone's bachelor party.

78. I always give Zee the tousled hair look after her bath. Well, except that one time when I gave her a mohawk. See, I figure, she has plenty of years ahead of her to worry about her hair. Why start now?

79. When I was a kid, I wanted to be Amish. I thought the outfits were cute.

80. I had a huge mole on my back until I was 10. It was horrible and kids would make fun of me. They'd call me moley. I'd always come back with the response my mother had taught me, "It's NOT a mole, it's a BEAUTY mark." I finally had it removed. Now I have a long slash back there. I tell people it's a knife wound.

81. I also had a small mole on the back of my left leg. In school, kids would unknowingly swat at it as we were climbing the stairs in between classes thinking it was a bug. I had it removed in high school. I actually sort of miss it.

82. A few months after Zube Boy and I started dating, I sat down one night and started to tell him that I'd been raped. He let me finish talking and said, "I knew." He'd read through the mountain of books I had and found a few titles on coping with rape. I asked him why he didn't say anything. He said he knew I would tell him when the time was right.

83. Every single fucking day after school, Bro and I would get home and he'd INSIST on watching either Short Circuit, Space Camp, or the Goonies. I hated all three. Now, though, it's kind of a cute thing to remember.

84. My family came out to visit when I first moved to Colorado. My Belle went tumbling down a mountainside. We laughed hysterically. She started limping. It wasn't too swollen. We told her to buck up and quit being a baby. Three days later, she was still limping, so Mom took her to the doctor. She had three broken bones in her foot. Oops. I felt like an ass.

85. For her birthday one year, I told her not to answer her phone and I called and sang various birthday song messages on her machine. One of them was:

Happy Birthday to you!
You wore one shoe!
When you broke your foot,
And I laughed at you!

86. Hoot has decided that instead of getting married and having kids, she wants to be the crazy aunt. I think that's awesome. I sometimes feel guilty for wanting to add more people to an overburdened planet. When other people have no desire to have children, it makes me feel a little less guilty.

87. I have REALLY ugly pinky toes. They're all turned sideways and the nail is bent in the middle. Ew.

88. When it seems not uncomfortable to do so, I share our fertility struggles with people who ask about Zee. I think it's important for people to know that babies don't come easily to everyone.

89. I feel like I missed out on a rite of passage by having a c-section. That feeling was compounded by the fact that my baby sister gave birth the regular way just a few weeks later. I wonder if that feeling will ever dwindle.

90. But, I won't doubt that we made the right decision because the end result is more important.

91. I'd really like to write a book, but I don't know if I have the self-discipline. Blogging is more my style. And now I'm sucking at that.

92. Recently, I've been thinking about the girl who stared at a bottle of pills, contemplating taking them and ending her sorrows, and I thank her for putting those pills down. I had no way of knowing, back then, that I'd ever find joy. But I had faith that I would. I had to have because sleeping forever was pretty damn tempting.

93. I wore Isotoner slippers almost every day of my senior year in high school. They were so cozy.

94. I also brought a travel mug of coffee every day. And it was confiscated almost every day. I thought it was stupid that I couldn't bring coffee with me to school. It became a joke between me and Mr. F, my Coffee Confiscator.

95. One day I was walking down the hall after school before cheerleading practice. I was wearing leggings with umbros over them (ah, the 90's). The principal stopped me. He said that we were not allowed to wear shorts to school. So I promptly removed them. In the hall. In front of him. After all, leggings back then constituded pants, because we all must have been breathing in some polluted fog that made us collectively fashionably stupid, but anyway. He was not impressed.

96. In third grade, this kid started writing his assignment with a blue pen, though the teacher told us to get out our red pens. He had forgotten his red pen. The teacher stopped class and proceeded to yell at him. "Does that pen write red?" He thought for a minute, and wrote the word "RED" on the paper in front of him. "Yes, it does. See?" He was a troublemaker and everyone kind of thought he was stupid. But that was a pretty smart move if you ask me. I wonder about him sometimes. The teacher wasn't impressed, but I was.

97. We have four jeeps. A 2001, a 1994, a 1995 (all Cherokees), and a 1984 CJ7. Now we have a Jeep stroller. And a Jeep baby carrier. I guess you could say we're a jeep family.

98. When Zee was born, Zube Boy called his buddy at work, The Englishman, to tell him the good news. The Englishman announced that we had a baby girl and her name was Cora Jane. One of the guys piped up, "Is her last name seven?" It took Zube Boy a minute to get what he was saying. Then it finally dawned on him. Surprisingly, we did not name our daughter after his offroading jeep, the CJ7.

99. The night that the video for "Thriller" came out, I was at a slumber party. I didn't sleep all night. Not for fear of having my bra frozen because, shit, I don't think I even wore a bra back then, but because the video was so scary.

100. I'm going to publish this before I reread it. Mostly because once I publish things, I'm far too lazy to edit them. And I'd like this to remain untouched.

Because Nothing Compares...

To you and how much you all rock. PaintingChef and I are nothing if not collaborating bitches. How to drive our husbands crazy. How to make stupid people see the error of their ways. Which, in case you were wondering, is impossible. But fun to try, nonetheless. And most recently, we've figured out just how to fucking rock. I'm stealing her words and posting them here because, frankly, I've spent all day cajoling my dynamic cervix into, hopefully, submission in preparation for an appointment to check just how long she's decided to be this time. Very long I hope. And I don't see this conversation ending until around 3:30PM or so. When I have a date with the dildo-cam. Transvaginal ultrasound wand. Whatever. You get the picture. Wish us luck. The cervix, the Turtle, and I. Without further ado, in the words of Painting Chef...

There are certain songs that, as soon as I hear them, I’m instantly taken back to a very specific time and place. Driving with the windows down, age 16, never knowing what freedom and independence felt like until I was able to just get my damn self somewhere all own my own, thank you very much. Sitting with friends in a basement or a living room, sipping the beer we’d persuaded someone’s older brother to buy and trading gossip. Riding home in the middle of the night after a post-concert Vic & Bill’s run spent scarfing cheese fries and swapping hair and makeup tips with the drag queens from the club next door.

Somehow, while I was getting ready this morning, five or six of these songs played in a row on my iPod and I started wondering what songs did this same little time travel number on other people. My accidental playlist happened to place me squarely in the middle of my senior year in high school. 1994-95. So from this and a few conversations with Zube Girl sprang forth the idea for “Senior Year Soundtrack.” What are your senior year songs? Are they from high school or college? What are the stories behind them? And most of all…could you be persuaded to share them with the internet?

Here are the rules…

1. Pick a senior year.
2. Comment here or email me (paintingchef at gmail dot com) and let me know you’d like to participate. This is going to be a CD swapping situation…
3. Choose your songs (they don’t strictly have to be from that year only, just something that you listened to that year), burn an as yet to be determined number of copies.
4. Send them, along with the address where you would like your set of CDs sent, to me.
5. I will make everyone a set of CDs and send them back out. If you’re really sweet you can send me a few bucks to go towards postage… I tend to send sweet people cookies and puppies and rainbows and unicorns.
6. Put this little graphic on your blog if you want. But save it and post it your damn self. Don’t link to it here. That’s just mean. And mean people suck. So don’t suck.

Six Things That Nobody Knows About Me

I was tagged forever and ever ago by PaintingChef with this meme. It's going to be difficult to think of SIX things nobody knows about me because I suffer from a severe case of Overshareitis, but I'll give it a go.

1. I fiddle with my earrings when I'm nervous. And really, Zube Boy knows this, but no one else. It's kind of sweet that he picked up on it, too. I'll be playing with my earlobes and he'll say, "What's the matter, honey?" It's one of those things I never even knew about myself until he pointed it out.

2. I have OCD when it comes to change being left around the house. The other day, Zube Boy sauntered in after work and emptied his pockets of loose change on the counter. Minutes later he said, "Honey, I see that you've put my change in a neat little pile."

"I did?"

"Yup. In order, too. Quarters, nickels, pennies, then dimes."

"You know what really pisses me off, though?"

"What's that?"

"That dimes are the smallest. They really should be sized in between quarters and nickels, don't you think?"

"Really, I never put that much thought into it."

3. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, or you might, or you might not care one way or the other, but I'll tell you anyway. My thyroid is fine. Dammit. Okay, well, I guess I'm kind of happy that my thyroid and chooch are all healthy and shit, but it would've been nice to have an explanation for the miscarriage bizness. Oh well. More tests to come. Lucky me! I'm looking forward to having my uterus dyed and examined by ultrasound to look for fibroids or other such nonsense that might be screwing up the reproduction thang. Actually, I'm not looking forward to it at all. But, it'll be nice to get a full clean bill of health, I suppose.

4. When I was little my parents only let us kids have one glass of milk with our dinner. After that it was water. For some reason I was an anti-water kind of rugrat so I always made sure to save my milk for last. So I wouldn't run out during the meal. To this day, I still do that. I eat all of my dinner before drinking the beverage that goes with it.

5. Sometimes when I'm home alone, I'll gather up all of my journals from years past and read them in one sitting. I'll laugh and cry and roll my eyes. Truthfully, though, I never, ever want to forget who I was all those many and not so many years ago. You know? And reading things I've written in the past keeps me and who I used to be and am from slipping out of my memory.

6. I have a little straw angel that I bought after the abortion at a dollar store. I felt like I needed something to sort of signify and honor what was lost. The road I didn't go down. A lot of times, I'm afraid to tell people that because they'll use it as evidence that ABORTION IS WRONG otherwise why would I be buying a little angel to comfort me. But the truth is, it makes me feel better, so fuck what other people have to say about it.

One day, while my sister, Hoot, was staying with Zube Boy and I for the summer, I enlisted her help in throwing away a bunch of useless crap. She picked up the little straw angel and said, "What is this thing?" "Just an angel I bought." "Is it junk? Should I toss it?" From the next room, my fabulous husband whom I didn't even know was listening, yelled, "YOU CAN'T THROW THAT AWAY! IT'S SPECIAL TO HER!"

I'd only ever told him about it once. Years before. And he remembered. I fucking love that guy.

I'm not going to tag anyone, unless you ask me to.

A Winner and A Loser...Or at Least Feeling Like One...Or Both

Okay, let’s just skip over the bit where I tell you all how much I suck. You're familiar with that song and dance, I'm sure. I have been shitting out business contracts at work with alarming regularity and with all that going on, I don’t even want to glance in the direction of my computer at home. Maybe I'm getting too much fiber.

The other day, I cried a little bit. See, I have this wild hair growing, well, you can imagine where, and it’s giving me the urge to go back to college. I dropped out because a lot of shit had happened and was happeing and showering daily was a feat in and of itself, rendering me paralyzed at the mere thought of attending class and studying. So, I stopped going. But now, ten years down the road, I've come to realize it is the one way in which I haven't healed from said horrid shit. Academically. And though consider myself pretty dang smart, apparently that piece of paper from an accredited institution means more.

Anyway, I get this weird palpitation in my heart when I’m calling my old college trying to figure out how to tie up loose ends and all. It’s reminiscent of a panic attack. Dealing with them makes me feel like “That Girl” all over again. It’s fucking weird, and I don’t like it. But I'm suffering through because I think it's important.

Long story short, and the reason for the waterworks, I was misunderstanding one of the ladies I was talking to and she fucking laughed at me. And I nearly crumbled. I know I pretend to be all big and bad and bitchy, but every once in a while, I'm a sensitive shit.

But, I’m over it now. Mostly because a woman named Linda called me back and was VERY, VERY sweet and now I kind of want to hump her leg.

Last order of business: WE HAVE A WINNER!

Thank you ALL for participating! Each and every entry rocked.

All that said, the Winner is: Beer Boy and Philthy Dog.


The prize will be announced shortly…

Congratulations Phil!

Minions and a Super Contest

It's the moment you've ALL been waiting for!

Drumroll please...

Ahem...Just a minute...

Z-Girl: What in the fuck do you call that??? That's not a drumroll!

Minion: I know. All I could find is a trombone. I was trying to improvise.

Z-Girl: You idiot! There is no improvising in minionism. You're demoted. Go put on a loincloth!

Minion: OH NO! PLEASE! Not the nubile young attendant position!!!

Z-Girl: Mmm-hmmm.

Minion: You are a tyrant.

Z-Girl: Yeah, yeah. Now go fetch me a beer.

Okay, forget the drumroll. I'll be taking applications for the position of Minion, if you're interested. But FIRST! We have a contest to begin. Remember that whole Superhero thing from last week? Yes? Very good. No? When then go read the link dumbass.

Anyway, it's voting time. Here are the entries (I think I got everyone, but if I've somehow missed you PLEASE let me know!):

Click on each picture to make it all biggy-like.

1. Happy Villain drew yours truly! I totally dig the armor. I think that when I'm not busy being a stick figure superhero, I'll go with this one...


2. Psychobabble - A Momma and Baby duo! CUTE COLORS! It's all about the colors.


3. Phil, or rather, Beer Boy and Philthy Dog, to the rescue! Hee. You MUST make this one biggy-like, 'cause you've gotta read the fine print.


4. Ginamonster - I LOVE the banana! A woman after my own heart with the Paint Shop superhero.



A few folks have the details of their superheros and superpowers posted on their blogs. I've linked to them below.

5. Bonanza Jellybean - SuperTramp The Avenger of Sluts everywhere!


6. JustDawn by day and this hot little number by night...She'll strip you of your dignity if you cross her!


7. RisibleGirl Patayto, Pototo. Either way, she rocks.



Okay, it's voting time. Just step on over to these Diebold voting machines here and...or...eh. Nevermind. You all know where I was going with that one.

Vote now. Vote often. But really? Only your first one will count.

And after Midnight tomorrow, not a damn one of your votes will count. So hurry up!

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's...the Lamest Fucking Title That Ever Was!

Last night I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning and shaking the blankets to release Zube Boy's flatulent airy deposits. I had a little farting contest with him, but it wasn't all that fun because he was sleeping the whole time. And he still kept winning. Without even paying attention! I felt kind of loserish, so I seceded.

After I dropped out of the contest, I started fretting because it TOTALLY felt like there was something in the corner staring at me. It was weird. I HATE that. So, I wrapped my blanket around my head, squeezed my eyes shut and tried to ignore the fact that I'm pretty sure a ghost lives in the corner of our bedroom. Fucker.

I got to thinking about Superhero School and how I should go and get my degree and stuff. I was REAL excited, mostly about my outfit. I'm leaning towards a purple, leather body-suit with pink cape and a silver tiara. I feel sexier just thinking about it. Zube Boy would SO dig it.

Anyway, I'm not too sure what I'll specialize in yet. Maybe I'll try my hand at fighting ghosts. Though, poetic justice would most likely have it that, while I can kick OTHER people's ghosts' asses, my own ghosts would always elude me. And that would kind of suck. But that's the life of a superhero, I guess.

After careful thought, I drew my superhero self...

Don't I look cute? My pig-tail on the one side looks a little limp. I think I'll need a new hair-do upon graduation, which shouldn't be a problem because I bet Superheros make an assload of money. I hope so anyway.

I considered having a contest wherein I ask all of you fine folks to share with me a rendition of YOUR superhero outfit. I'd post them here and readers would vote on the best and the winner would get a PRIZE! An undetermined prize as of yet.

But then I realized that despite evidence to the contrary, I'm really fucking sensitive and if no one participated I'd feel like a ginormous ass and cry into my pillow every night. So, I decided not to have a contest. Unless, uh, there is an overwhelming DEMAND for a contest or if I happen to find numerous, or even, ONE entry in my inbox at tzubemcmahon@yahoo.com. Then, you know, I might just be compelled to have a contest.

*****************************************************

HOLY SHIT! Ya'll actually WANT to play! Whee!

Okay, here are a couple of rules:

1. I've set a deadline tentatively for this Sunday at midnight (Mountain Standard Time because if I have to watch the fucking ball drop at 10:00PM and feel like New Year's is over every damn year then all you East Coasters can go by my watch. Besides, it's cool 'cause you'll have an extra two hours. Sorry West Coast. You lose one.)

2. As far as the image, well, there really aren't any rules. Feel free to use ANY medium you feel will unleash your inner ARTEEST. Whether it be a crayon drawing you take a picture of and e-mail me or an actual photo of you in an outfit YOU made or something you draw on Paint Shop Pro or, or, WHATEVER! Really. I don't care if you want to be the fucking Super-Cheerio Heerio and glue cereal on a piece of construction paper. Or, uh, all over yourself. Just, you know, have fun. That's what it's all about.

3. If you'd like your entry to link back to your blog, please let me know in the e-mail!

This? Is fucking exciting. I can't wait to see my superhero friends.

Oh yeah, feel free to have a little profile. Like, what are your superpowers and shit like that.

Tag You, Tag Me...And I Bet You WISH You Were as Slackerific as I!

About a million years ago, one of my bestest blog buddies, Junebee, tagged me with a meme. I was so busy accusing dinosaurs of shrinking my pants back then that I've just gotten around to her meme now. And, in case you were wondering, the dinosaurs? They are not pant-shrinkers. In fact, they're SO pissed off about their own pants being shrunk, and having to run around naked and shit, that they've created their own investigative team to determine who the crooks are.

But you know what? It's like a million years later, and the poor naked dinosaurs will never know that it was the gnomes who were shrinking their pants. Oh well. Sucks to be them.

Anywho, the rules: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:

Eddy (This blog doesn't even EXIST anymore, that's how long I take to do these damn things!
Yaniboy
Xanadu
Herding Cats
Zube Girl

Then you get to select five people to pass the love on to so they can do this meme,
like so:

Suicidal Eggs
Pussy Lickers
Just Say YES!
United Queens of Blogmania
I've Gotta Hole for YOU, Punk!


What were you doing 10 years ago?
Probably smoking pot and swearing to myself that I'd NEVER forget what I was doing that monumental moment. Or some shit like that. But really? I forget. I know I was a little messed up exactly ten years ago.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Going crazy. Just about. Wondering how I was ever going to perform the job I was promoted to if I was still chipping in to help out with the job I was promoted from. Oh yeah, I might've been pulling Zube Boy's toes and bitching that he could've at least washed his feet first. And I bet only three of them cracked.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Triscuits and cottage cheese
2. Peanuts
3. Sweet Tarts
4. Boulder chips
5. Microwaveable burritos and sour cream

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” (Poison)
2. “Just Wait” (Blues Traveler)
3. “Cleanin' Out My Closet” (Eminem)
4. “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails and Johnny Cash)
5. “You Don't Know How It Feels” (Tom Petty)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Buy assloads of Emergency Contraception and drive around the country doling it out and educating women about it.
2. Pay off my bills.
3. Donate half of it to various organizations supporting Choice, Separation of Church and State, the Homeless, the under-privelaged, and so on.
4. Finish our house and buy another one with a yard big enough to enable my Spy Roll practice sessions.
5. Fly you all here and have a big ass party complete with daycare for the Mommies and Daddies.

Five Bad habits
1. Avoiding hurting people's feelings at all costs
2. Saying 'Fuck'
3. Eating popcorn
4. Being too honest
5. Ignoring confrontation

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Two-tone jeans
2. Braces
3. Leg warmers
4. Flannel shirts
5. Anything flourescent

Five Favorite Toys:
1. Zube Boy's '84 CJ
2. Zube Boy's '52 Dodge M37
3. Scrabble
4. Roomba
5. Sims 2

Not only did I leave ONE meme flailing in The Land of Neglect, I abandoned TWO. Here is the other from Black Eyed Grrl.

The rules: The tagged victim lists 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner, mentioning the sex of said partner. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on a post letting them know they’ve been tagged. If tagged before, no need to contribute.

1. Is sensitive but tough. A tall order, I know, but the current love meets both requirements. He rules like that.
2. Is appreciative of his partner's intelligence even though they might be of opposing political affiliations.
3. Is kind and thoughtful.
4. Is a big fan of generic cereal. Oh wait. Mine happens to be an 'IS' List, not a 'WISH' List. Scratch that.
5. Is funny as hell.
6. Works hard.
7. Compliments my cooking.
8. Hugs me when I cry.

Thank you for the tag, gals! Hope you all had a rockin' weekend. May your pants fit you!

Five Quirky Things Zube Girl...

I've been tagged by Delboy to list five quirky things about myself.

There are far more than five, but I've narrowed them down because I'm sure you all couldn't care less that I always get an ingrown toenail on my right big toe, and I'm quite fascinated with the process of clipping it and fishing it out. Anyway, here are the top five:

-I'm always walking around the house shouting, "Babies!!!" Zube Boy has gotten rather accustomed to it, and no longer wonders if someone has dropped twin infants on our doorstep. Though "Babies!!!" can mean a number of things, not the least of which that I'm cuddling one of the felines, it primarily means that one of my gazillion plants is sprouting a new leaf or flower.


-I fucking love my windowsill. Sometimes I'll just stand there looking out it or at it long after I've finished washing dishes.


-I also absolutely love rooting clippings from some of my plants in water. Only I'm lazy about replanting them in soil. So, they sit on my windowsill in water for a long ass time.

-When we go off-roading, we like to bring back momentos. This is a photo of one of my favorite findings. It's a piece of an old dynamite box that we found in a mine.


-I absolutely LOVE Law & Order SVU. I'll watch episodes on USA over and over again. I've seen the one where the lady killed her infant because she had Tay Sachs like five times.

As usual, I'm not tagging any damn body. I'm a selfish fuck, so I'm gonna keep it all to myself. Thanks for the tag Delboy!

Threesomes

I've been tagged by Phil over at Echos in a Nomad's Head. Phil is cool as shit and he has, quite possibly, the cutest dog ever. Next to mine, of course. Anyway, I'd been tagged by this meme forever and a day ago, so instead of coming up with new answers, I've decided to repost the repeats because I dug my answers back then when I think all of three people were reading me.

***Previous Answers***

Three screen names that you have had: SluttyWifeLookingforLove, TooSexy4U, and zubegirl.

Three things you like about yourself: I'm not real hairy, I'm sexier covered in mud from four wheeling than I am all dressed up, and I make really good wings.

Three things you don't like about yourself: I'm just way too much of a babe. I get hand cramps writing my phone number on cocktail napkins. It's not easy, folks. 'Nuff said.

Three parts of your heritage: My great-grandfather was a bootlegger, my great uncle was a Monseñor of the Catholic church, and my Dad is smarter than your Dad. So NYAH!

Three things that scare you: Celery in my tuna, Brad Pitt's obsession with me, and making left turns onto busy streets.

Three of your everyday essentials: Coffee, toilet paper, and phone calls from Jersey folk.

Three things you are wearing right now: My fairy tattoo, my astrology glyph tattoo, and my flower tattoo.

Three of your favorite songs: I'm a Little Teapot, London Bridge is Falling Down, and Ring Around the Rosie.

Three things I want in a relationship: Complete and total submission to my every whim. That's all. Well, a little worshipping and toe sucking never hurts.

Two truths and a lie: I lie, I make my life sound way more exciting than it is, and I always tell the truth.

Three things you can't do without: AM 760 Boulder's Progressive Talk, the word 'Fuck', and the letter 'Z'.

Three places you want to go on vacation: East Gibip, Bumblefuck, and Istanbul...no...Constantinople. Nah, Istanbul. Or Constantinople. You know, that's nobody's business but the Turks.

Three things you just can't do: Lick my elbow, pour coffee without drizzling it all over the counter, and sand drywall.

Three kids' names: Cletis, Tipsy, and Rufus.

Three things you want to do before you die: Have kids, teach my kids to do chores, and totally screw up my kids. That is my dream.

Three Celeb crushes: John Stewart, George Clooney, and Winona Ryder, erm, I mean, Brad Pitt. Yeah. Every gal loves Brad Pitt. Even though he's fucking psycho.

***Additions that were not on the previous meme***

These threes were not on the prior rendition of the meme, so I've answered them separately.

Three of your favorite musicians: Zube Boy in the Bathtub, Me in the Car, and any 80's hair-band that gets me reminescing.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: A fine ass, a wit to match my own, and intelligence.

Three of your favorite hobbies: Offroading, Scrapbooking (Shut up!), and arguing politics.

Three things you want to do really badly now: Pee, take off my confining turtleneck, and turn on the fucking heater 'cause it's cold in my crib.

Three careers you're considering/you've considered: Supreme Court Justice, nanny for Nanny 911, and an author.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: The remote? It's fucking mine, bitch. I think that takes up about three qualities right there.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: "Fuckin'-A, I broke a nail", "Honey, did you polish my tiara yet today?" and "What are you thinking RIGHT NOW honey?"

Three people that I would like to see post this meme: Texas Soccer Mom, Anduin Andorian, and Hot Latin Lover...

Sing a Song of Six Pence...

My husband is the meanest boy in the world.

Other than that, Texas Soccer Mom has tagged me. I’ve been memed. Which is not the same as being maimed. It’s not the same as being lobotomized either, which means it can’t be all that bad. I'm lucky to still be perty smart despite college and my study of all activities leading to sleeping in until 3:00PM and missing class. I don't need to be messing with any frontal lobe removal nonsense.

Here 'tis:

List ten songs that you are currently digging … it doesn’t matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they’re no good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they’re listening to.

This is going to be kind of tough because I’ve had my ear glued to talk radio lately and other than enabling my love of Randi Rhodes to blossom, it hasn’t done much for keeping me in tune with, uh, tunes.

“The Hineylicker Song” by Zube Girl
"Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit" by Zube Girl (and sometimes Zube Boy)
"It's Mah Honeeeeeeee" by Zube Boy (sung to the tune "It's Amoré")
"Leedle-eedle-eedle" by Zube Girl (often sung at my desk)
"Learn How to Drive Asshole!" by Zube Girl (this is kind of a screechy metal band song I made up)

The other five are sort of theme songs that make me feel all good and shit.

"Touch of Gray" by the Grateful Dead
"Just Wait" by Blues Traveler
"Sunscreen" by Baz Lerman
"Gin & Juice" by Snoop Dogg
"Near You Always" by Jewel

There ya go...

And, I'm not taggin anyone because I'm a silly bitch like that. Neener neener boo boo.

Later...

What's that? Oh, you want to know why Zube Boy is the meanest boy in the world? Well, I'll tell ya. I have a big ole bug up my ass and it keeps screaming, "GET ANOTHER KITTY!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!" And Zube Boy won't let me.

I mean, I have potential names ALREADY picked out! It would have to be a boy kitty because I can't think of any cute 'Z' girl names, though I'm open for suggestions. I'd probably still get a boy. Cats in general are bitches. Female cats? Bitchy bitches. And since I'm a bitchy bitch for fun, and Zoey is a bitchy bitch by nature, I think we've got all the bitchfest we can handle in our little double-wide, erm, rancher.

Anyway, I've been begging to bring little Zane or Zavier home, and Zube Boy has said no way in hell.

Mean ass.

Meme Schmeme...

Typically, I loathe memes but this one rocks all get out because I get to talk about YOU, and not me; which pleases the Zube Girl as she is so totally over herself right now.

Anywho, Sarcastic Kitty posted it, and I commented. Thusly, I've been memed. Which is cool because it has only validated my appreciation for yet another blogger (Rock on SK for your answer to a certain question, and in answer to yours, Zube Boy and I do indeed want children).

Well, on with the memers:

1. Comment on this post and I'll respond with a random thought I have about you.*
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (Or so we think).
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.**

*I've changed the wording a bit, and if that makes me a bitch, so be it...
**I hereby declare that if you comment, and don't post this on your blog, I won't be mad. At all.

A preemptive thanks to all who participate!

For the sake of doing this properly, I'm moving my responses onto my actual post. So there.

Phil-
1. You are a wordsmith
2. The movie Singles...The main guy character.
3. Avocado.
4. Thanks for the answer. It drove me nuts.
5. Voting for you in BoB.
6. Tiger. No fucking idea why...
7. What brought you to the blog 'o Zube Girl?

Douglas-
1. You like boobs and butts.
2. "I like big butts and I cannot lie..." (Great, that song is so gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.)
3. Banana
4. Uh, that thing the other day? Red.
5. Why, it was only moments ago...
6. Aardvark
7. Why IS the sky blue?

Courtney-

1. You lurve flip flops, just as much as I do.
2. "Touch of Gray" Grateful Dead
3. Strawberry
4. Mmmm...hot guys on ice. Can't fucking wait.
5. Kick ass, take no names, for some reason.
6. Peacock
7. How many pairs of flip flops do YOU have? ;-)

Mike-

1. Your compliment is suspect because I have the feeling you got here by hitting next blog and just wanted me to visit your site. If that's not true, and you actually return to see this, tell me to fuck right off.
2. Fred of the movie "Drop Dead Fred"
3. Grape
4. N/A
5. Traffic whore
6. Pigeon
7. Will you prove me wrong?

Tickles Tapeworm-

1. Heh. Love your username. Makes me giggle.
2. Brad Pitt in "12 Monkeys"
3. Lime
4. Your girlfriend rocks.
5. Tickles Tapeworm. Hee.
6. Monkey
7. Where did you get your username?

Carrie-

1. I love how you love to cuss like I do!
2. Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name of"
3. Pineapple
4. Cunts can kiss my ass. Except the cool ones.
5. She said cunt. I think I love her.
6. Leopard
7. How much weed do you smoke on a typical day?

Storm-

1. You have pain in the ass cats, too.
2. Lightning Seeds song "Pure"
3. Cotton Candy. Yum.
4. With the orbs, I'm obsessed with them. I like to think they are various grandmothers and grandfathers. I gives me comfort.
5. That photo on your blog. You are one cute chica!
6. Whale. NOT meaning you are large by any means, but there is something gentle and secretive about whales that I just love.
7. You mentioned on your blog that you are a writer. What kind of writing do you do?

Kjersten- I didn't think I'd get through them either!!! Hopefully no one is insulted by my responses. I think I'm funny sometimes, and don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings!

1. You come from a large family.
2. "Lean on Me" by, um, is it Al Green?
3. Peach
4. It's hard sometimes, but it's what makes both you and I such kick ass people.
5. You have the SWEETEST smile ever. Seriously.
6. Horse
7. Where did Mezmerotonous come from?

Debi-

1. You have the same name as my Mom. Debi's are wonderful people.
2. "I'm Just a Girl" by...Gwen Stefani
3. Mandarin
4. What is up with just finding one??? I don't get it either.
5. You're a take charge kind of lady!
6. Fox
7. Are you a typical cancerian? I am.

TJ-

1. You coined the word 'Fook' and for that I am jealous.
2. "Me, Myself, and I" by De La Soul
3. Apple
4. TMI is too much fun.
5. Your life is and has been funny and sad. Just like mine.
6. Penguin
7. When your hair gets stuck, you know where, has it ever, umm, gotten tangled up with...hopefully you know what I mean. I have and it sucks.

Anduin-

1. Your husband scares you, too. Not in a bad way. Just in an annoying way.
2. "Magic Bus" by The Who
3. Blueberry
4. We enjoy quite a strange passtime!
5. That hilarious little kitty.
6. Seahorse
7. Are you a typical cancerian (sorry it's the same as Debi's but I'm an astrology buff)?

Cassiopeia-

1. You get your eyebrows waxed. Which reminds me, I'm starting to like like Bert.
2. "My Baby's Got Sauce" by G-Love
3. Kiwi
4. I'm just as nice as you when I'm getting gas (though, not when I have gas).
5. Heh. I hate body odor, too!
6. Dolphin
7. How did you come up with your username?

SK-

1. You are from Texas.
2. That song "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman"
3. Orange
4. Never tried the ambesol.
5. Fucking hilarious!
6. Unicorn
7. So, did you read the ambesol thing somewhere, or did you guys just come up with it yourselves?

Erika-

1. You are a flight attendant.
2. "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
3. Mint
4. We don't have that kind of repair shop in my town!
5. Gin and Tonic. Hell yeah!
6. Koala Bear
7. How many different countries have you been to?

Bud-

Feel free to link! I'll give the meme thing a whirl.

1. You dig sex.
2. "Feel Like Makin' Love!"
3. Mint
4. Soon to come. Heh. The better I get to know ya, I mean.
5. Ooh. Smut. Hee.
6. Giraffe
7. However did you find the Zube Girl?

Al-

Of course I'm still playing!

1. You like coffee even more than I do. I'm duly impressed with that!
2. For some reason, the theme song of the Sopranos. Go figure. Speaking of which, is that guy in your profile pic Junior? It looks like him. I'll feel like an idiot if I'm wrong and it's some real mafioso dude.
3. Coffee, of course.
4. Did you wake up your kids laughing? I would've felt bad.
5. Mmm...Coffee...and a picture of Junior (I think). This guy rocks.
6. Eagle
7. How did you and your wife get together?

PaintingChef-

You didn't think you would escape the meme, did you??? You commented, so now it's your turn!

1. Your alter ego is Crazy Chlomid Wife.
2. "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley
3. Blue Rasberry
4. I am so glad you sent that e-mail. It really sealed the deal with my love 'o PaintingChef.
5. Hee. She says fuck a lot. I love her.
6. Starfish
7. I always kind of wonder if Patrick reads your blog? Zube Boy reads mine once in a while, but not devoutly or anything.

A Bunch of Threesomes...

Kyknoord has tagged me. No, sillies, get your minds out of the gutter! He and I are each contractually obligated to tag our significant others in that manner for the rest of our lives. It's a quiz. And check out his blog. He's hilarious and his wife makes chaos theorists cry. Good stuff.

Often, I find these quiz things confining, but I'm gonna give it a whirl. This one intrigued me, what with all the 'threes' involved. Huh?!? I never told you how much I love threes? Hmmm...

Three screen names that you have had: SluttyWifeLookingforLove, TooSexy4U, and zubegirl.

Three things you like about yourself: I'm not real hairy, I'm sexier covered in mud from four wheeling than I am all dressed up, and I make really good wings.

Three things you don't like about yourself: I'm just way too much of a babe. I get hand cramps writing my phone number on cocktail napkins. It's not easy, folks. 'Nuff said.

Three parts of your heritage: My great-grandfather was a bootlegger, my great uncle was a Monseñor of the Catholic church, and my Dad is smarter than your Dad. Nanny nanny boo boo.

Three things that scare you: Celery in my tuna, Brad Pitt's obsession with me, and making left turns onto busy streets.

Three of your everyday essentials: Coffee, toilet paper, and phone calls from Jersey folk.

Three things you are wearing right now: My fairy tattoo, my astrology glyph tattoo, and my flower tattoo.

Three of your favorite songs: I'm a Little Teapot, London Bridge is Falling Down, and Ring Around the Rosie.

Three things I want in a relationship: Complete and total submission to my every whim. That's all. Well, a little worshipping and toe sucking never hurts.

Two truths and a lie: I lie, I make my life sound way more exciting than it is, and I always tell the truth.

Three things you can't do without: AM 760 Boulder's Progressive Talk, the word 'Fuck', and the letter 'Z'.

Three places you want to go on vacation: East Gibip, Bumblefuck, and Istanbul...no...Constantinople. Nah, Istanbul. Or Constantinople. You know, that's nobody's business but the Turks.

Three things you just can't do: Lick my elbow, pour coffee without drizzling it all over the counter, and sand drywall.

Three kids' names: Cletis, Tipsy, and Rufus.

Three things you want to do before you die: Have kids, teach my kids to do chores, and totally screw up my kids. That is my dream.

Three Celeb crushes: John Stewart, George Clooney, and Winona Ryder, erm, I mean, Brad Pitt. Yeah. Every gal loves Brad Pitt. Even though he's fucking psycho.

Three people you want to know these things about: I'm a selfish fuck, so I've decided to remain tagged and not pass it on. I learned very early that I sucked all hell at 'Tag' as a kid, and convinced myself it was cool to be 'It'. Walking was not one of my stronger suits, and running even less so. If I didn't tag anyone else, the game kind of ended right there. Then we'd go inside and play with matchbox cars. I was much better suited for that. Ergo, I'm 'IT' forevah, suckas! Bwahahahahaha!

Tag. I'm It!

Peg, over at Haiku Venue, who happens to kick some righteous ass, has tagged me. So, here goes.

Have you ever?

Snuck out of the house?
Until my parents moved me to the second floor of the house, yes.
Gotten lost in your city?
No. Can't even do it on purpose.
Seen a shooting star?
Yes. Tons. That's one thing that rules about living in the Rockies.
Been to any other countries besides Canada?
Yes.
Had a serious surgery?
No.
Gone out in public in your pajamas?
Of course. College anyone?
Kissed a stranger?
Um. Of course. College anyone?
Hugged a stranger?
Yeah, sure.
Been in a fist fight?
No. I was restrained by Bro and my cousin.
Been arrested?
Once.
Laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose?
Yup.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?
Nope.
Swore at your parents?
Never. Around them? Whole 'nother fucking story.
Been in love?
Only for the past four and a half years.
Been close to love?
Yes.
Been to a casino?
Yesterday. Don't remind me.
Been skydiving?
Nope.
Skinny?
Huh? I don't get this one.
Skipped school?
Once. There happened to be an assembly that day. I won an award for a paper I wrote and was to be presented with it at said assembly. My absence was glaringly obvious. My Mom was just discussing this a couple of days ago at a 'remember when' session.
Been a therapist?
Hell yes. I highly recommend paying someone to listen to your shit.
Done the splits?
Yep. I was a cheerleader.
Played spin the bottle?
Yeppers.
Gotten stitches?
Four times.
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?
No. Water to pass a pee test? Yes. I applied for a job two weeks after my 23rd birthday. It required a piss test, and I had taken two puffs off of a joint on my birthday. I overdid it a little with the water. I'm surprised they didn't make me redo it, because I literally peed water.
Bitten someone?
No.
Been to Niagara Falls?
No.
Gotten the chicken pox?
Yes.
Kissed a member of the opposite sex?
Every damn day!
Crashed into a friend's car?
No.
Been to Japan?
No.
Ridden in a taxi?
Yes.
Been dumped?
Ugh. Yes. I still have the resulting sad ass poetry in a journal somewhere.
Shoplifted?
No. Scammed money from a restaurant I worked at once, but felt so guilty that I gave it back the next day. It did help me make rent, though.
Been fired?
Not yet.
Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
Hmmm...
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Yep. It sucks.
Gone on a blind date?
Yes. He wore spandex shorts and had a mullet. It was the mid 90s. Never did the blind date thing again.
Lied to a friend?
No. Not told the truth? Yes.
Had a crush on a teacher?
Substitute? Yes. Mr. Tobias was a nerdy hot guy. Loved him.
Celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans?
Nope.
Been to Europe?
Sadly, no.
Slept with a co-worker?
Yes. We were dating.
Been married?
Currently am.
Gotten divorced?
Nope.
Had children?
Not yet.
Seen someone die?
No.
Had a close friend die?
No.
Been to Africa?
No, but would love to.
Driven over 400 miles in one day?
Many times.
Been to US?
Yessiree.
Been to Mexico?
Sì.
Been to India?
Nope.
Been on a plane?
Just today. And yesterday.
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Great Scott! Of course!
Thrown up in a bar?
No. On the door of a McDonald's that wouldn't let me in to use the bathroom 'cause they'd just closed? After I'd been at the bar? Yes.
Purposely set a part of myself on fire?
No. Been on fire? Yes.
Eaten sushi?
Yes. Love it.
Been skiing/snowboarding?
Yep.
Met someone in person from the internet?
Yep.
Lost a child?
Can't even fucking imagine what that would be like.
Gone to college/university?
Do I have to be able to remember it?
Graduated college/university?
The not remembering was a problem as far as graduating.
Fired a gun?
Once. Didn't like it.
Purposely hurt yourself?
When I was a teenager, I used to bite my arm. Hmmm...I'm too tired to go back and change my answer to did you ever bite anyone.
Taken painkillers?
Yes. For fun and pain.
Been intimate with someone of the same gender?
Nope.

Here's where I become a whiney lame-ass. I have no idea who to tag. If you'd like to be tagged, please let me know! I feel presumptuous doing it! Yeah, I suck.

100 Things About Me

1. I decided to do this ‘100 Things About Me’ thing because I read some others and I felt like I was having coffee with the folks who wrote them. And damn do I love coffee.

2. I'm putting this in my March archives, and linking to it, 'cause I think that if people read it, they should really, you know, care or something.

3. I’ll be damned if I know where to start.

4. I was born in Bermuda, but I’m an American citizen because my Dad was in the Navy. I always thought that was hella cool when I was a kid. Still do.

5. When my youngest sister, My Belle, was born, I was 10, my brother, Bro, was 8, and my sister, Hoot, was 3.

6. I was walking on my Dad's back as a youngster, and had a toy drumstick in my mouth. Dad's Mom, my Mom Mom, who happened to be visiting, quipped, “She’s going to fall and jam that thing down her throat.” Soon as she left, I fell and jammed that thing down my throat.

7. Growing up, we had to finish all of our dinner, or we wouldn't get dessert. Mom and Dad decided that we could choose three things we didn't like. My three things were stuffing, brussel sprouts, and pizza.

8. I kept all of my stuffed animals in my bed when I slept. I didn’t want any of them to know I had a favorite. I can’t even bring myself to tell you now which one was my favorite.

9. I had a recurring dream when I was little that there was this banana guy with a top hat and cane dancing and singing in the corner of my bedroom. It was one of those dreams where I felt like I was totally awake, and I would try to scream, but wouldn’t be able to. It was terrifying. Fucking Banana Guy. And even worse, try being a six-year-old explaining just how SCARY that banana guy is to your Mom.

10. Bro wouldn’t play Barbies with me. We came to a compromise, and played ‘house’ with matchbox cars. We’d name them, and they’d have kids and stuff. It was really fun. Much more fun than Barbies as a matter of fact. My favorite was a gold beetle bug named Audrey. She was fucking bad ass.

11. I used to decline playing with my friends so I could help my Mom with my little sisters. To this day they tell me I’m like a second Mom.

12. I am the second oldest of nineteen grandkids on Mom’s side, and the oldest of nine on Dad’s side.

13. My Mom is one of seven kids, and my Dad is one of five.

14. I would love to have a million kids, but I’ll settle for three.

15. I can’t wait to get started on those three.

16. I’m trying to be all organized and sequential about this. I’m finding it difficult. So, fuck it.

17. My Mom has a photo of my brother and me when we were about 5 and 3. We had woken up at 5 in the morning, and decided to go outside and play in the sandbox. Mom woke up and panicked when she couldn’t find us. She finally found us outside. I had gotten my brother all dressed. Pants, t-shirt, and sweatshirt. I, however, was in my underwear. Even today, I find it easier to take care of others than I do to take care of myself.

18. I love my family something fierce.

19. I am a Jersey Girl, through and through. I am almost too proud of it.

20. I hated Jersey when I lived there.

21. I moved to Colorado when I was 24.

22. In Colorado I came to love Jersey. And Bruce Springsteen. And Bon Jovi.

23. I never had big hair. I hated the fact that a can of Aquanet wouldn't keep my uncooperative bangs all swooshed up on top of my head.

24. When I look at photographs of my friends and I in eighth grade, I’m glad loopy bangs eluded me.

25. My brother got beaten up once outside of a bowling alley. He looked like the elephant man.

26. I sat outside of that bowling alley every night for the next couple of weeks. I thought that if I could find the guys who did it, I could beat them up right back.

27. I was so angry, that I truly think I could’ve.

28. I was staunchly Pro-Life as a teenager.

29. Then, in college, I was raped and got pregnant. I am now staunchly Pro-Choice.

30. The anniversary of my rape is January 21. I usually take the day off, and get a massage or go shopping. I cry a little every year, too. I often wonder if I’ll ever not cry on that day.

31. This past year, on the ninth anniversary, I was crying and Zube Boy caught me. I said, “I’m sorry I cry about this every year.” He hugged me and said, “I’ve been with you for the past four, and I’ll be with you for the next fifty. And you probably will cry. And that’s okay.” The man is gold, I tell ya.

32. When I turned 17, I didn’t want to get my license. I was the youngest in my class, and all of my other friends already drove me around.

33. When I finally decided I wanted to get it at 17 and a half, I was all geared up to take the test, and my Mom realized she forgot her insurance card. It was hard to convince all the other kids at school that I hadn’t failed.

34. There were times in college when I was so severely depressed, I considered suicide.

35. I imagined my funeral, and the sadness of my family members and decided I couldn’t do that to them. I lived for them for a few years.

36. That didn’t stop me from imagining that I was an innocent bystander killed in an armed robbery. Then, at least, I could die, but not by my own hand. Which somehow seemed better. What can I say. I was depressed.

37. A few years later, I was an innocent bystander in an armed robbery. Something about having a gun two feet from my head made me realize just how much I wanted to live.

38. My life did not flash before my eyes, however. All I could think about was the last time I’d spoken to each of my family members and whether or not I’d told them that I loved them.

39. I am naturally blonde, but I dyed my hair red for seven years. I’m back to blonde now.

40. My Belle loves when I tell her the story of when she first came home from the hospital as a baby. She fell asleep on me, and I wouldn’t move, because I didn’t want to wake her up and make her cry. I always tell her it was love at first sight.

41. There’s this little boy who lives down the street, and he always knocks on our door and asks us if we need our weeds wacked. I think it’s so cool that he’s out earning money. He charges us $5.00, but I usually give him more. I’d never tell him that he’s a terrible weed wacker.

42. I always buy at least one thing from all of his school fundraisers, too.

43. I’ve learned that kids have a hell of a lot of fundraisers these days.

44. I dated a guy, whom we’ll refer to as Assface, when I was 23. He was, well, an assface. A month after we moved in together, he lost his job, and his two kids moved in with us. Suddenly, I was thrust from singledom into supporting a boyfriend and his two kids.

45. He was emotionally abusive. But, he told me I was lucky because he didn’t hit me, like his Dad hit his Mom. I kind of believed it.

46. One might say my self esteem was suckful at best back then.

47. One day, this barely audible voice inside me said, “You deserve better.”

48. Fortunately, I listened.

49. I kicked him out and adopted a cat. I decided that Alexander the Cat was more of a man than any other I’d been with thus far.

50. Alexander got really sick and almost died. I was sure this was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to be with any man.

51. A part of me thinks that Assface had something to do with Alexander getting sick in the first place.

52. Alexander is fine now.

53. After I kicked Assface out, he proceeded to sell drugs out in front of my house.

54. I decided that moving to Colorado would save my life. It did.

55. There are angels. I do not doubt that one bit.

56. And ghosts. I know this.

57. I threw a big 'Going Away' party for myself and gave away all of my shit.

58. I packed what was left in my little geo prism and Alexander and I headed for the mountains.

59. When I arrived in Colorado on December 30, 1999, I had $40 to my name.

60. Zube Boy and I were not destined to start dating until a little over a year later, but we realized after dating that we were at the same New Year’s Eve party the second night after I moved here. He remembered me because when the clock struck midnight, someone broke my dress strap giving me a hug. I stapled it back together because the bar couldn’t find any safety pins. He thought I was pretty.

62. My Mom's Mom and I have a very special bond. It seems to have transcended death.

63. I used to dust her knick knacks as a kid for $2. They were stored in a cedar display case, and I loved the smell of it.

64. A month after I had moved to Colorado and found an apartment, I stood in the middle of the kitchen, and started to cry. I looked up and said out loud, "Just what in the fuck am I doing? I'm all alone here. I don't know if I can do it." As soon as I said it, I was overcome with the scent of cedar. There was nothing cedar in the apartment. I said, "Thanks Mom Mom. I was feeling quite alone for a minute there."

65. She also came to me in a dream after she died. Among a zillion other comforting things, she told me that I'd have three children.

66. I once had a dream that Zube Boy and I were sitting at a dinner table with two boys and a girl. The girl was the youngest. If this pans out, I'll be freaked.

67. You know what? I won't be freaked. I think I'll be dissappointed if it doesn't pan out.

68. My Mom sends me colored maple leaves every fall. We don't have those here. It makes me cry every time. In a good way.

69. Zube Boy and I had our first date on January 8, 2001. I knew on that day that he was the guy I would marry.

70. I never wondered if he would call. He just didn't make me. Nor did I make him.

71. We moved in together after dating for only two months.

72. But, didn't get married until three and a half years later.

73. It was not all sunshine and flowers. In fact, I would say it was fucking hard work.

74. I believe that if you're not scared shitless even a little bit at the prospect of marriage, you're not fully cognizant of the promise you are about to make.

75. I kissed him first. We were arguing about politics because he's a Republican and I'm a Democrat. I figured there was no other way to shut him up.

76. When I was on #25 of this list, I was like, "Jeebus, I can't think of 100 things." Now I'm thinking, "Oh shit. I only have 25 more."

77. I have never seen Zube Boy cry.

78. This makes me kind of sad for some reason.

79. Instead of an engagement ring, I got 'Engagement Cabinets'. They are fucking lovely. Knotty hickory. Yum!

80. He actually bought me an engagement ring a month before the wedding. I call it my 'Anillo de Compromiso' which is 'Ring of Compromise' in Spanish. Because Engagement Cabinets are just way too cool.

81. Our wedding cost ~$4,500. The only thing I didn't do myself was the food. I've been told by 105 of the 105 people there that it was one of the best weddings they've ever been to.

82. I was totally afraid the whole thing would be a huge disaster. It wasn’t.

83. I don't think I'll ever be too old to hear my Dad say he's proud of me.

84. I love myself.

85. I always had, but stopped for a while. A few years ago, I missed loving myself. So, I started again.

86. Zube Boy is my #1 fan. And I am his.

87. I have gone public with the rape and abortion in the hopes that I can help other people. If it were not for Zube Boy, I wouldn't have.

88. Every morning when I drive to work, I'm still shocked by the beauty of the mountains.

89. I live in Breckenridge, Colorado. For those of you who are non-skiers, it is a ski resort. And I do not ski. Or snowboard, for that matter.

90. I love off-roading.

91. If Zube Boy and I can laugh our way through marriage, I think we'll do fine.

92. I dated myself for about a year. I was a great date. And, it was cool because I always put out.

93. I would not have married Zube Boy if he liked George Dubyah.

94. We are remodeling our home.

95. And, I don't mean that we are living with construction workers. I mean that we ARE construction workers.

96. I had a loooooooong life before the 'Love and Marriage' part came along. So did Zube Boy. And we're cool with that. We're two whole people joined together, rather than two half people trying to make a whole. I love that about our marriage.

97. I collect watering cans.

98. I have lots of plants.

99. My sisters and Mom and I have the same flower tattoo on our ankle. We did it as a spur of the moment thing when they came to visit me one year. Mom picked it out.

100. I can't believe I'm done.