Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Learning Shit in a Structured Environment

All right. It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Or maybe not, but just go with it okay? I’m on a roll here. I have decided to organize a conference and you wondermous people are invited to attend. I’m thinking the conference might be, like, two days or something. That sounds like a conferencey amount of time, don’t you think?

Anyway, I have a tentative schedule prepared for the first day. I'm working on the second. It's taking a while because there is SO MUCH USELESS SHIT out there to learn, and I'm having trouble focusing on the salient bits. Let me know what you think of my syllabus thus far, and I know that 'syllabus' is probably the wrong word but SHUT UP because it's my fucking conference. Have your own damn conference if you want to get all nit-picky. Ahem. That said, I'm open to suggestions regarding sessions for Day 2. If there's enough suggestions, we might just start a fucking college or something. I'm a big dreamer.

First day:

11:00AM – Noon* - General Session I

“How Smart Are You?”

SO SMART, obviously, if you have time to be attending bullshit confences. Your willingness to participate in ridiculous events such as this one is testament to the fact that your brain must already know all the shit it needs to know about everything else. Pat yourself on the back. No, it is not time for the cocktail party yet. Sit Still. Fuckers.

Noon – 1:00PM – Lunchtime

1:00PM – 2:00PM – Individual Workshops – You May Choose to Attend Any of the Following

Spy Rolls 101

A brief introduction to spytastic expression and the world of sleuthing in general. Workshop focuses on executing a spy roll, and unless the attendee is a complete fucking moron, s/he should be able to execute one by the end of the hour. Wear loose clothing. Also, do not attend if you’re a clumsy fuck, okay?

Thongs: A Philosophical Approach

Is your ass eating your underwear, OR is your underwear hiding in your ass? Round table discussion to be spent sitting, for the most part. Wear boy briefs unless you’re willing to stand up in front of the participants and share your personal experience with the intellectual dilemma at hand.

Introduction to Art

How to draw adorable cartoons – Zube-Style. Please familiarize yourself with the artistic renditions of a Paint Shop Pro genius prior to attendance.

2:00PM - 3:00PM - More Damn Indiviudal Workshops

Spy Rolls 102

Practical applications of the spy roll technique learned in Spy Rolls 101. Main focus will be using rolls to facilitate the sneaky ass kicking of gnomes with shrinking ray guns and celebrity stalkers.

Farting: Taboo or Funny as Hell?

A pre-selected panel of fucking geniuses will discuss the pros and cons of being open and honest about our gas and its passing.

Because Deep Down, We Must All Hate Ourselves and WANT to Be Tortured

The psychology of pet ownership and all of the annoyances that come with it. The first 45 minutes will be a lecture on dealing with your four-legged roommates and the last 15 minutes will be a throw down between randomly selected, and probably most scared-looking, attendees. One will be a Cat Lover and the other will be a Dog Lover. The referee will love both cats and dogs. The winner will determine the answer to the age-old question: Do cats or dogs rule???

Relationship 101

Navigating the slippery slope that is LOVE. Facilitator will focus on dealing with your significant other after nearly fracturing his or her skull and how NOT to get murdered for doing something rather disgusting.

3:00PM - 5:00PM - Happy Hour(s)

5:00PM - 7:00PM** - Cocktail Hour(s)

7:00PM - Whenever - Dance Off

Dancing is REQUIRED of all attendees. If you're afraid to dance, not to worry. I haven't just arbitrarily pulled the schedule out of my ass. There is a REASON the Happy Hour and Cocktail Hour are before the Dance-Off.

*You may have noticed that the schedule is a little light. That's because smart people need some down time. Seriously. It ain't easy being brilliant. If you're looking for something a little more intense, well then, surely you are stupid and don't belong here anyway.

**You may have noticed that there is NO scheduled dinner. Dinner is on your own time, bitches. Besides, anybody who's ANYBODY knows that there is a pork chop in every beer.

I am looking for facilitators and panel members. If you believe you might be qualified for any of these roles, feel free to e-mail me. If you're stupid, though? You're kind of fucked. So, think real hard about how smart you are if you're considering sending me an e-mail. ESPECIALLY if you're kind of self-conscious and you'd get upset if I laughed my ass off at you.

I require 100% attendance of my readership. And that means YOU! Yes, even you lurkers. You can dress in black and wear a ski mask and sit in a corner, but you MUST come! Otherwise, the cocktail party is off. And the cocktail party is only, like, the fucking HIGHLIGHT of the conference!

Oh yeah. Cost is a million dollars. But it'll be worth it. I PROMISE!

25 Leg Humps:

Chickie said...

Will you take a check for the million dollare?

I'm polishing up my spy rolling skills right now.

Chickie said...

Dollars. I mean dollars. See how excited I am about the conference?

Vic said...

Ok Zube, I bow to you, oh funny one. I have just laughed my ass off, twice, maybe three times. This is I think the funniest post ever. Really. I'm going to link to you.

Now, about this conference. Not only do I want to attend, but I do believe I can facilitate. Keep me posted.

Lisa said...

I'm SO totally there. I may have trouble scraping up the tuition, but could you perhaps offer discounts if we offered to help with snacks and stuff?

mergrl said...

LOL sign me up, the check is in the mail :0)

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Dutch Oven is happy to report that he will be able to attend to sit on the panel for the farting class. He told me to let you know that he will be giving a special section entitled "How To Make Your Farts Smell Like Rotten Eggs That Crawled Up a Skunk's Ass To Die, Beginner Level." He asked that everyone bring their own burritos.

I will be happy to siton the "How Smart Are You? " panel, as I am usually so snobby I can honestly sit up there and report that yeah, I'm fucking smart. Deal with it.


Bonanza Jellybean said...

Smart people would have actually managed a space between "sit" and "on." I hereby withdraw from the panel.

Phil said...

Um, may I make a suggestion? Is it really a good idea to have Spy Rolls 101 directly after lunch? I mean, have you ever seen James Bond do a spy roll directly after eating? Nope. He always makes sure to wait at least an hour, so he doesn't cramp up or, more importantly, puke all over the Bond girl.

Of course, this would cause a problem with Spy Rolls 102, as they couldn't be offered at the same time. But if it were pushed back to coincide with Happy Hour, it might make things even more entertaining.

And, in a similar vein, shouldn't the Farting workshop be directly after lunch? Some people might feel compelled to hold it in until the class, and that would risk truly explosive (and very unpleasant) accidents.

And finally, does the price include travel & hotel? Do you accept coupons?

Echoes in a Nomad's Head

P.S. Do we really need a 15-minute showdown to determine the obvious? Everyone knows that dogs rule.

Mickity said...

I'm volunteering to be a facilitator or a panel member. My only real qualification is that I am a huge admirer (sp?) of the way you utilize the f-bomb (and other choice words). So please pick me :-)

Anduin said...

You are sooo fricking hilarious. I wish I knew how you came up with this stuff. I'm definitely in for the Spy Rolls class. I need to brush up on my technique.

Sugardaddy said...

ya know, the sad part is that if some idiot HR person with a budget read this, they would sign up for at least 3 slots..............

Crazy Lady said...

I will be sure to loan you my copy of the book "The Gas We Pass" for the farting class. Plus I would more than happy to chair a discussion on embracing your inner geek, while still being cool as hell, as I do that quite well. I would also like to have a chance on the second day to pratice rolling my r's while watching the Roomba in action.

Crazy Lady said...

Oh yeah... and if I chair loan you my book, can I get a break on that million dollars? I am a bit short.

kyknoord said...

How about I wear ONLY a ski mask?

Minerva said...

Will you accept a cheque for a million lire instead? You know some of us are a little hard up..*grin*

Oh and the dogs and cats? Can I bring all of mine to make the point?


banquo said...

I am there like a bear!!! (mmmpphh - whatever) and I think as a Cat lover - cats TOTALLY rule ok! and dogs, well - they're kinda ok, but not as awesome and clever and superior as cats.
And fot the wuck is up with the million dollars thang - where is this conference? Donald Trumps gaudy gold (ack!) penthouse????

banquo said...

oh and what is Spy Rolling - anyone? :-/

Gretchen said...

Does that include airfare? Where do I sign up?

lysie6211 said...

Sign me up bitch!!! :)

Gretchen said...

Maybe it's too obvious, but my class idea for day 2:
Dealing with stupidity.

nelle said...

Only a million? That's a bargain!

Zube Girl said...

Chickie- I am excited, too. It's all I can talk about.

Vic- Hee. You are now a facilitator!

Lisa- I'm sure we can work something out.

Mergrl- Great!

Bonanza- heh. Dutch Oven is good to go. And you are SO SMART. Smart people are supposed to make mistakes to make the little people feel okay about themselves!

Phil- Only coupons that please my discerning eye. And, they must be made with crayons and construction paper. You might be right on the timing of lunch. Hmm..

Mickity- You are SO a facilitator! Or course! Anyone who can appreciate the F-bomb is worthy.

Anduin- Hee. There's always room for improvement!

Sugardaddy- The sad thing is, I agree. Heh.

Crazylady- That book would be AWESOME! And, I'm sure we can work something out with the price.

Kyknoord- Naturally! Hello! Brilliant people abide no societal niceties.

Minerva- Of COURSE I'll accept a cheque from ya! And please bring all of your furries!

Banquo- It's TOP SECRET where the conference is! In fact, you all have to be blindfolded on the way there. I forgot to mention that. Also, if you click on 'spy rolls' in the first class, it's a previous post about how I want to be a spy and stuff. :-)

Gretchen- Airfare and hotel are included in the million dollars.

Lysie- Done and done!

Ellen Jay- Right!? That's what I'm thinking!

junebee said...

I'm in on the spy rolls too. And anything with beer.

Gary said...

Sounds good except for the farting part. Because I've never farted. Not even once in my entire life.

Erik Mann said...

great post, i'll come visit again soon...erik


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